Ep.36 Abandonment Issues. Explore your relationships. [dating and love]

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Hello,

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and welcome to the Borealis experience. I'm your host

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Aurora, and I'm very happy to be spending some time with you

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today. It is spring it is warm weather. I couldn't be happier.

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yet. Today I chose a topic that is really hard to Yeah, reflect

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about for some people. abandonment, abandonment issues,

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nun abandonment, siesta have difficulties expressing it. It's

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a tricky thing, because most people who should listen to this

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episode will probably not listen to the episode because people

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who have abandonment issues don't really identify with it or

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are not aware of their behavior. It is people who come across as

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very secure on the surface, yet, when you scratch a little bit on

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the external, you will very quickly see that that person is

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incredibly insecure with who they are. And they make their

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life and other people's life incredibly tough and miserable

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at times. Not all the time. But especially when it comes to

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Yeah, relationships, intimate relationships, romantic

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relationships. But also, relationships with your

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siblings, your parents, when you suffer from abandonment issues.

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You see yourself often as a victim, you don't walk around

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like a victim. But you're very controlling, maybe even

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aggressive, sometimes aggressive to a point where you surprise

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yourself. Sometimes you say something, you react in a way

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where you're like, Whoa, what was that? But you just think oh,

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yeah, I was I was a little bit impatient. I'm, I'm aggressive.

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Yeah. But you will not dig deep enough to find out that it is

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your wounded little internal child that is screaming for

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attention that is screaming, to not be left behind and rejected

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again. It is a wound that we learned to work around, and to

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mask and to kind of Ward ourselves off from because it is

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so painful to go back. It is so painful to go back to that

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experience. When you were maybe in kindergarten, and that one

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child that you absolutely lewdly wanted to be friends with.

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didn't want to be friends with you. Or it was your parents

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dropping you off at kindergarten, first day. And you

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couldn't make sense of why you would have to adjust and live in

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a new environment. Now. You see trauma from an outsider's

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perspective, from your perspective now as an adult,

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compared to when you were a child can look like so

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ridiculous. Like you could see yourself crying. Because your

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mom left you at the kindergarten and as an adult, you would just

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think, Oh my god, I was such a sissy. But back then you were

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really in pain. There is no such thing as drama. People always

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feel exactly what they feel in the moment. And if you think it

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is drama of him, like totally invalidated, then you're doing

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wrong, is that person not being healed from that pain. And if

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you don't heal from that pain, you will come up with pretty

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awesome reactions and tools on how to avoid that pain. So what

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does a person with abandonment issues look like? They usually

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say people are so unreliable. People suck. I hate people. You

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can never plan with people that love to plan. They're

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unpredictable. People with abandonment issues, love to

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control and time as a huge thing. That's what yeah, I

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experienced it. expose my partners to back then is

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you can blame a lot of people and shame them when it comes to

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punctuality, or when it comes to Oh, you didn't get back to me

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right away, you waited so long you read my message, and then

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you never got back to me. So what's wrong with that? People

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with abandonment issues, of course, are also very insecure

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when it comes to other people. They don't show it from the

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inside. But internally, if you were able to have a look at

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their thoughts, they go crazy mentally, when they know their

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partner has opposite sex friends, or maybe still contact

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to their exes. Or maybe, yeah, they behave very differently

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when it comes to timing. Maybe, yeah, they didn't learn to be on

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time, they don't value being on time. And now here you stand

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waiting for them. 15 minutes, 17 minutes, 20 minutes, and going

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absolutely bonkers. And you blame it on them, sorry, them

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not being on time, and them not being able to stick to that

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simple rule of being punctual. Yet it is your little Wounded

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Child that is screaming for attention. And that is screaming

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at you. Not wanting to go through pain of rejection and

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feeling abandoned again. So again, it's not too much about

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going back in time and digging up old stories. But I sure

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encourage you to like if you can tell me in a conversation. Oh,

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yeah, I remember when I was five, we moved away. And my

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parents never made sure that I stay in contact with my friends.

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And I had to find new friends in that town we moved to and it was

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very hard on me. And it was very sad times and I couldn't

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communicate it because I was still a child. Well, that's a

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deep wound. That's deep trauma. And I don't know what it is a

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lot of people just hate that word trauma or want to see

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themselves as absolutely invincible from birth on. But if

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you look at it, we were all so cozy and warm. In our mother's

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womb, everything was provided was warm. We didn't have to care

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about anything. And then you're being literally splashed out

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into this world where all of a sudden, you have to breathe, you

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have to eat, you have to drink, you have to have shelter, and

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warmth. And you need physical and emotional connection,

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otherwise you're not going to survive. So fuck that already.

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So if you didn't go through any trauma, birth, itself is such a

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huge trauma, if you want to look at it, that it doesn't surprise

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me that there's so many people out there depressed because they

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don't see that those experiences are traumatizing. And after

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that, we manipulate we do everything to get our needs met,

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to an extent that it hurts ourselves and other people.

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That's how screwed up it is. But you have to see that those maybe

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little things for you now, back then were intense. And the

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feelings you had were real. And your little brain back then that

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was still forming, was trying now to avoid that pain and was

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trying to get better and to provide better and, and to be

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safe again. And in control being in control. I will post an

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episode about OCD. He has sown oppressive controlling behavior,

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you know, I'll go more into detail that but can wanting to

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control. And being aggressive when it comes to control is the

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behavior of a deeply insecure person. And they are suffering

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and the people around them are suffering. And this is why I'm

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getting so intense with it because I was in that spot for

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so long. And I'm feeling so much better now. And I want people to

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be like to reaching that point faster. I want to provide people

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with a shortcut that they don't sit in this misery as long as I

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was maybe 10 years or longer.

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So if this was deeply triggering for you, if you feel like Oh my

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god, I have abandonment issues. And I don't know how to deal

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with it my relationships. In the past, I realized now I've

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manipulated and it is also said, trust me, you're not alone with

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this and you can always reach out. And you can start talking

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about it with me or with people around you because it's not

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something uncommon. We all suffer from that to some degree.

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And it's not something to be ashamed of it is so beautiful to

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become aware of your behavior, to then live a more fulfilled

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life and to be happy in your relationships, your

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relationships, our life, the way you relate to your environment,

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to your family, to your friends, to your partner, is deeply

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nourishing you on every little level that there is. So if I can

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do something, to make you feel better about yourself, for you,

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to then have better relationships, then you make me

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the happiest person here on planet Earth. Because it is too

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sad to see that some people still struggle with control and

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with disappointment and with attachment. And we want to

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alleviate this pain, we want to help people get out of the

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suffering and make people are aware of it, which is not always

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comfortable. You know, I'm not always comfortable waking people

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up and telling the truth and also calling myself out on my

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bullshit. But it's the only way the only way out is through it.

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And through it means in this case, reflect about what hurt

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you in the past and have compassion for yourself. Know

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that you didn't put on a show, know that you didn't like create

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drama for nothing, it is how you felt. And you have to validate

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how you felt in the past, to validate yourself now in the

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present, and to be a stronger, better future self. It is only

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with awareness with shining light onto the shadow that we

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can change things. And the only thing you can change on this

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planet Earth is yourself. You cannot change other people, you

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can only inspire people to look a little deeper and to reflect.

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But if they're not ready for it, they will harshly reject you.

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And you cannot take a personal you cannot take anything

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personal on this planet Earth. Because it is all changing. It

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is all unpredictable. And that's the mystery and the beauty of

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life. You can learn to trust yourself again, and you can

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trust your judgment, your observations, without analyzing

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a lot of times, people with abandonment issues, analyze so

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much. And put people into boxes way too much. Just because they

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want things to go exactly their way. Because everything else is

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so scary. To open your mind to a new way of approaching

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relationships. Or maybe starting a family or living your life is

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so freakin scary. If you and your little mind thought, this

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is exactly how it has to be. Otherwise, I'm going to get

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hurt. So I'm going to stop right here and invite you to maybe

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meditate on this pick a meditation. And let us all sink

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in. Especially if you feel like this is you or this is a person

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that you really love. Think about what I just said. And

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yeah, reflect about it. And then know that I will be out there

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very soon again, and keep talking about this. Because it

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is way too important. To not be talking about us. It's a very

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simple thing to do to reflect about yourself and to then

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adjust and change to live a better life and I want to be

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there for you on your journey. Alright, take really good care

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of yourself. Thanks for enjoying the Borealis experience podcast.

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Until next time, bye bye