Ep. 32. Mr Nice guy and how people pleasing will run you and others down [self-awareness]

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Hello, hello and welcome to the Borealis

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experience. I'm your host Aurora, life coach and companion

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on this beautiful journey called life. I hope you're doing well

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help you feel good. Up, you're in a safe place. Ah, I hope you

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can breathe freely. Maybe you're walking outdoors in a park,

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maybe you're driving, maybe you're on your bicycle, maybe

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you're cooking, maybe you're just hanging out online. Maybe

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you're doing dishes, and laundry, or just hanging out on

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your couch. I hope you feel confident about who you are. And

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get in your skin. Today I want to talk about the nice guys the

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nice girls, I have produced an episode about nice guys being

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too nice being a people pleaser in the past. But for some

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reason, I feel called to produce a new episode about this because

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I noticed most of my clients are struggling with this are

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struggling with boundaries, how to set boundaries, are

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struggling with knowing who they truly are outside of family

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dynamic outside of a little, you know, friends circle or

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community. And I really want to help out these people as best as

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I can because I was one of them for the longest time. And as you

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know, I'm one to learn the hard way. And I'm hoping that with my

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podcast, I can not only create a space for you where you can rest

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and recharge your batteries, but also where you can learn and

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acquire tools for shortcuts. And for reducing the amount of time

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you struggle and suffer. I wish back then I had these tools. But

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that's okay. I went through the pain and I'm still here. And now

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I'm pleased to be able to help people around the globe. I feel

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very grateful for this mission. And as I shared with you a

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couple of episodes ago, I'm hosting workshops now, where I

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speak about specific topics I can connect with you in person.

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And I'm also building place a retreat, where in the future I

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can invite you and have one on one coaching in a safe place in

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the forest. I'm also a yoga teacher so I'll be hosting yoga

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classes as well but the coaching and the workshops is gonna be my

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biggest thing I'm very very excited to call this into my

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life and to be serving more and more people in our community and

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people from all over the place. Alright, let's dive into today's

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episode. Mr. Nice Guy, Mrs. Nice. Nice lady, nice girl. The

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thing about being a people pleaser is that sometimes time

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in the past we have learned that our feelings don't matter our

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opinions, our thoughts don't matter. The way we think and

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feel the way we are. We need to adapt. We need to be overly

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friendly, because our deep sense of security and self esteem was

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shaken. For some people we can even say was broken.

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And when your core is scarred when you deep down inside feel

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that you cannot fully embrace who you are, you simply can't

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accept who you are because the people back then at school in

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kindergarten, or at university or at work, why would they have

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bullied you? If you were a decent person, there must be

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something wrong with you. So we split this part of ourselves

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away that was damaged and hurt and overcompensate by being

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overly nice. We don't express our needs anymore, we're very

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shy and hold back when it comes to opinions. discomfort, like,

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we don't have no boundaries. So we don't really know when the

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discomfort starts and when it ends. But sometimes we wake up

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and we are in terrible pain. Because we didn't learn to say

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no, we didn't learn to say, I don't want this. When the

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discomfort first started, right, we let people in way too fast.

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We give people way too much power. And it is a whole mess.

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Because you can always point the finger at the other person and

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say, Hey, you are taking the candy that I'm throwing out for

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free. And the other person who's taking from you is like what, I

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don't know what you were giving the whole time. So what was I

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supposed to do not take something from for free out

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there in the world. And let's take it. So in a very gentle

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way, I want to turn around this finger that you were pointing at

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others for the longest time and pointed at you. It is on you to

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not get involved with people who don't have your best intentions,

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who don't take you as a part of themselves. It is on you to cut

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through the bullshit to acquire tools to sharpen your senses. To

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find out right away when there is a person sitting in front of

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you with selfish intentions. It is not on them, they will do

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whatever they want to do. And I tell you what, most of the time,

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they're not bad people, they went through their fair share of

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shit. And now they meet you overly nice person and they feel

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like now I can finally trust and relax and, and be happy for a

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little while until I feel strong enough. And then I can leave the

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people pleaser. Because actually it gets really boring to be with

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a person who doesn't have a spine who doesn't have a

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character who doesn't know how to say no. And it's a harsh

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reality to live in and to sit in. I know it because I went

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through it. And I'm sorry if you feel that way, right now. But at

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the same time, I want you to reclaim your power and see how

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much you can influence your happiness in the future. By

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knowing yourself by knowing how to read other people, and by

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being able to say no, when something feels off. Right, we

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make compromises all too often. Oh yeah, but he had an ex that

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was very manipulative. And that's why I need to be nice. Oh

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yeah. But she had a boyfriend who was violent. That's why I'm

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giving her space right now. She doesn't want to be close to me,

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but I'm still gonna be committed to this relationship but because

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who knows? Like one day she's gonna be ready, right? We

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bullshit our way into situations. And I know for sure

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that there isn't a part of you. That knows shit. I should get

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out of the situation. It's not good for me. I'm being bred

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chromed. It's an expression in so froze studies, which I find

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totally awesome. You're not, you're not being given a whole

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loaf of bread, you're giving bread crumbs. And I tell you

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what, my dear, you are wasting so much time with those kinds of

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situations and so much energy. And then we think that if we

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start dating at the same time a new person that it's going to

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work out in some way or another. But it is not, because that new

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person that is sitting in front of you, that might be the one

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that might be totally able to commit to you, and to love You

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and to make you feel awesome about yourself. But also, you

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make them feel awesome about themselves in a very healthy

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way, they will sense that your energy is scattered, that you're

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not quite there, you're not really engaging with them,

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because you have still these other stories burning in the

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back of your mind, and they suck energy from you. And they give

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you an aura. I'm not gonna get too spiritual here, but they

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give you a vibe that you don't really know what you want. And

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actually, you know, really well what you want. You just got so

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damaged, and sacked dry from these weird situations where you

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were in a people pleaser role, that now that the right person

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is standing right in front of you, you're confused, you don't

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even know if you can trust you're scared to be in another

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weird situation. So what I needed to do is to leave

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everything behind to cut everything off to have no safety

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anchor, and to be brave enough to be 100% alone, to set

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boundaries with the people that deserve to have a boundary set

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to cut ties where it is needed. You don't need to ghost people,

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you don't need to be an asshole, you just can be crystal clear.

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And by being crystal clear, you usually help people by being

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crystal clear with themselves as well. Because again, those

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people are not bad people. They just don't know what they want.

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They take whatever feels good in the moment. But they drag you in

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situations that are not good for you. But please, it is not on

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them. It is on you because you allow it because you learn that

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if you are a spineless, friendly creature, that you get what you

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need and want. But it is not the case, you're going to keep

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making these situations happen. And your heart is going to close

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up more and more, your ego is gonna get inflated more and

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more. And I just don't want you to suffer on that level. I want

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you to be free. I want you to be transparent, honest. And I want

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you to have boundaries. Especially when it comes to a

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woman, a man who's kind and caring and giving but has

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boundaries, knows how to.

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Now you will probably roll your eyes or grin put the woman in

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her place. Whenever she acts I was out of course not violently,

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of course not. You know, in a in a weird and mean kind of way.

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But for the woman to know, okay, this is how far I can go. And I

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respect that. And for you to stay firm with your boundaries.

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I remember the first time I went on a date with my boyfriend. We

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started chatting. And I'm I'm always one who wants to know

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more and more. I'm a very curious monkey. And at some

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point I started asking him about his past and what his ex was

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like and blah, blah, blah. And we were hiking and all of a

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sudden he turned around. He looked me dead in the eye and he

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said I don't want to talk about this right now. I feel

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uncomfortable sharing this part of my life with you on the first

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date. And I stood still and was so impressed because he was very

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kind and saying these words with me but at the same time, awfully

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assertive. And from that day on I knew that if we weren't giving

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it an honest shot, I could respect this man. And that I

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wanted to get to know him on a deeper level at his convenience,

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right, I can keep asking my questions, but he will open up

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at his speed. So what he did by setting that boundary is not

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pushing me away, he was actually showing me, hey, this is how you

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can communicate with me. And this is where I have a boundary,

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try again in a couple of weeks. And I can see how it is tough as

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a man to set these boundaries, because I feel that men always

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want to be brave, and you want to be able to, you know, show up

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courageously you want to be giving you want to be provider.

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Not all of you, but most of you. And then when the woman pushes

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back or gets aggressive or gets upset, then you guys falter, you

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get, you know, soft from the inside. I don't mean it in a

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mean way. I mean, encouraging men to stand their ground in the

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kindest, most assertive way. Because this is when you earn

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respect, not only with women, but with the people around you.

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And this is how you will feel alive. And how you will build

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yourself up from the inside out. And trust me, it's going to make

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your relationships so juicy, and so interesting, and people will

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know who you are, you will know who you are. And isn't that a

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beautiful place to be in a place of genuine power, but not from

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an ego place from a heart place from an authentic place. All

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right, I'm going to leave you with this. send you out into

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your day. I'm sending my love out to you. I will be out there

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very soon again for you. If you haven't already, please leave me

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a review on Apple podcast, or Spotify. And a five star rating

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will be awesome too. All right. Take care. Bye bye