Ep.32 Marital conflicts pt 2 acting loving but not being loving [relationship]

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Hello, hello, and

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welcome to the Borealis experience. I'm your host

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Aurora. And I'm very happy to be spending some time with you

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today. I want to thank you all for your messages. It was

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incredible the support and love I felt from you, during my five

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days of struggling here, and I had a black widow, biting me in

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the neck, and in and out of the hospital several times and

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worried worries and discomfort and everything. And yeah, you

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guys are just incredible. I know why I'm showing up for you three

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times a week, here on this podcast, and on Facebook several

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times a week with little videos, because I appreciate you so

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much. And I want to share tools with the world that helped me to

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become a more fulfilled person, a happier person. And yeah, it's

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incredible to receive this feedback from you. Thank you so

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much. If you're new to this podcast, make sure to subscribe.

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If you're a longtime listener, thank you so much for being

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here, I appreciate you so much. And if you want to do me a huge

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favor, leave me a review, and a rating on Apple podcast for

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other people to make it easy to find this podcast. Today I want

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to talk about acting like a loving person. Or being a loving

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person walking in love speaking love. It is two very different

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things. And I feel a lot of people can sense this after

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being in relationship for a while. And we feel like Ah, it's

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kind of a routine now. And I'm kind of doing those loving

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things because they are expected from me. And I'm saying these

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things because, again, it's part of this routine, but I don't

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really feel that way anymore. What is wrong with me? What is

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wrong with a relationship? What is wrong with the other person?

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What am I supposed to do now? Should I just leave? Will I

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regret one day if I just leave? I feel those thoughts are

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totally normal. And there's nothing wrong with you. I can

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imagine that. What happened along the way is that you

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started to shut down your heart. With every level of

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disappointment with every little hurt, your heart closed up more.

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And it's kind of clogged up now. And your brain your mind still

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knows how to act lovingly. But it's getting more and more

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exhausting. And passion is not there anymore. sex drive is not

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there anymore. You kind of feel resentful, even angry. You want

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to avoid. You want to fight but not really. Because you know you

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you don't really have anything to point your finger at. It's

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just a whole mess that you're sitting in. And you're blaming

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yourself. It makes you feel horrible. Trust me, I've been in

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that situation. I've been in that situation many times. And I

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experienced that this happened because I was not honest with

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myself. And because I abandoned myself because I didn't stand up

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for myself anymore. And I was adapting too much to my partner.

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And it is not their fault. We have to stop blaming the other

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and have to start looking at ourselves of course. disclaimer

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here. There's all different kinds of relationships,

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situations, and

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maybe yours is different than mine. But right now I'm just

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talking about how you can look at yourself and change. Become

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yourself again. And this, in turn, will change your

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relationship for the better as well. And it is not so much

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about going back in time and, and looking what went wrong. It

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is more about how can you learn to express yourself

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authentically, again, how can you make space in between you

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guys without rejecting and hurting the other person, but

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doing something for yourself, for your own good, without

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feeling selfish, you know, if you've been a very outdoorsy

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person, and then you met your sweetheart, and all of a sudden

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you became a very homey kind of person, there will be a point

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where resentment will come up. And you will not even know why.

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But it is your longing for this little sense of freedom that you

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used to have that you want back. And you're going to take it out

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on the other person, and they're not going to understand why we

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have everything we're happy. But you didn't allow them truly to

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see who you are. You adapt it right away to meet their needs,

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and you gave up the person you were. And now you blame them.

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That's not fair. And that's you hiding in victim mentality.

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You're not a victim, you are in a situation now that you have to

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slowly untangle yourself again, and you have to learn to speak

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your truth again. And when when it comes to love when it comes

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to feeling love for another person. The most important thing

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is that you learn to feel your feelings again, when your path

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to your heart is clogged up is not clear. It means that you

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don't allow emotions to be felt to be processed to be expressed

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to be seen by the other person. You hold back you suppress in

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order to fit in, in order to not disturb the other person or

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their relationship. But in doing so you harm yourself. And this

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is the result. You can't feel your heart anymore. You can't

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feel loving anymore. Because the path to your heart is blocked.

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So

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it's a difficult situation to sit in. I totally see that. But

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it's the most beautiful path you can imagine being on the path of

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clearing the way to your heart to your own heart. You have to

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start doing things for yourself again, is it hobbies that you

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gave up a long time ago? Is it a new hobby that you always wanted

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to try? Is it people that you want to meet without thinking of

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cheating on your partner, anything, maybe it is a language

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that you want to learn. You have to create a little bit of space

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in between you and your partner and discover yourself again. And

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in doing so you will spark a deep curiosity on the other

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person and maybe even fear because all of a sudden he's

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dancing outside of the box. That's uncomfortable that scares

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me. And you might have to put up with the fear of your partner

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and do it anyways. Without being inessa No, not without being an

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athlete without being a mean person, but very direct. And you

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can even comfort them and say hey honey, like I feel I ignored

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myself I'd neglected myself and I need to take better care of

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myself. And in doing so, you also give the other person space

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to do the same. You No, sometimes we get so used to

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sitting in the same house in the same pot for so long, and we

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have our little routines. And it's kind of getting boring. And

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if you are the one who started stepping out and starting to do

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new things, the other person is left whether we say vacuum, like

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an empty space is better to say, in English. And they will fill

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that empty space with what they can be passionate about. Again,

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and they might feel at first with fear and anxiety and maybe

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anger towards you, but it is okay. It is their little, like

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struggles that they might have to go through a little bit, you

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can reassure them, but do it anyways. And then you kind of

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teach them how to take care of themselves again. And then one

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day soon, you can meet again, and talk about the adventures

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that you experienced. And you can maybe hear in my voice you

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can hear like novelty and excitement and what have you

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been doing? Tell me about your day. And I want to know more

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about you. And I didn't know that you were such a good

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painter, such a good singer.

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You kind of unlock love on a deeper level again, and you give

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possibility for growth. So many times we feel stuck in routine

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and stuck in behavior and not loving behavior, but just like

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yeah, routines, and it makes us feel dull and numb. And then

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once we step out and do new things, then we kind of stretch

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the comfort zone and we make the other people yeah, maybe

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interested in themselves again to maybe they meet with friends

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again, or whatever they choose to do. I feel so often we think

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cheating on our partner is the way out. Because it is novelty

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it is someone seeing us with fresh eyes, someone being

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curious about us, someone opening us up to a new world.

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But trust me, you can do it. without cheating on your

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partner. You can open up a new world to your partner in taking

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better care of yourself again, and in remembering who you were

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and who you are and who you want to be in the future. And if your

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partner truly loves you, they will see exactly what's going

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on. And they will appreciate it and know that at the end of the

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day, they would totally benefit from it as well. So spread your

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wings and think about the things that you wanted to do for a long

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time but haven't and know that Yeah, you might be facing

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rejection and fear and anxiety from your partner. And you might

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feel very nervous about the step two because it is new to you.

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But it is so worth it. It is so endlessly worth it. to spark

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love inside of your chest again, deep appreciation for your

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partner to see that they allow you to explore, they trust you.

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They want you to be happy. And then you can feel your heart

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again because you found your way back to yourself. You know who

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you are, again, you feel yourself you feel alive. And

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from that point, you can give love again because you have so

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much respect for yourself. This was my first episode after

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struggling with dizziness, nausea and my Black Widow bite

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there. I hope it was very clear and I hope I got my message out

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there. And I hope I was bringing you lots of value and loving

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vibes hopeful vibes. Thank you so much for listening. I'm your

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host Aurora and I will be back out there very soon again. Take