Ep. 3 How do you enter/exit arguments? [relationships]

Unknown: 00:00:16

Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

Unknown: 00:00:19

experience. I'm your host Aurora. And I'm very happy to be

Unknown: 00:00:24

spending some time with you.

Unknown: 00:00:27

Mondays and Thursdays is when I published my episodes. And yeah,

Unknown: 00:00:32

I don't know how that is for you. Maybe you download the

Unknown: 00:00:37

episode on that same day, maybe during the week sometime, but

Unknown: 00:00:44

for me, it feels like a zoo fix.

Unknown: 00:00:48

Like, a regular meeting with friends and people I can learn

Unknown: 00:00:53

from and it's just so incredibly precious for my soul for my

Unknown: 00:00:58

mental health. And, yeah, I hope I can bring you lots of value,

Unknown: 00:01:06

inspiration and hope and reflection as well.

Unknown: 00:01:13

It is December already, the year is coming to an end. And I don't

Unknown: 00:01:19

know how this year was for you. But it was a really tough one.

Unknown: 00:01:24

For me, as much as there was joyous times there was really

Unknown: 00:01:28

tough times as well. Lots of learning. So, yeah, all in all

Unknown: 00:01:35

very interesting.

Unknown: 00:01:39

Um, today I want to talk about fighting.

Unknown: 00:01:44

aggression. I feel we need to talk about those strong emotions

Unknown: 00:01:52

a little more often because they are embedded in our nature.

Unknown: 00:01:59

As much as some people would like to say that no, that never

Unknown: 00:02:02

aggressive and No, we never fight with anybody, especially

Unknown: 00:02:06

not with our spouse. Um, I don't think that is the truth.

Unknown: 00:02:12

I don't think that it is.

Unknown: 00:02:16

Yeah, real. I don't think that avoiding aggression at all cost

Unknown: 00:02:24

is healthy. And yeah, as you know me already or are getting

Unknown: 00:02:30

to know me better was every episode. What I express here is

Unknown: 00:02:37

my opinion. I'm a life coach. I'm a physiotherapist. But you

Unknown: 00:02:43

take it all with a grain of salt you take what is yeah. Good for

Unknown: 00:02:48

you. What resonates for you and you leave what doesn't feel

Unknown: 00:02:53

good? doesn't resonate with you? So how is it in your life? Do

Unknown: 00:03:00

you have conflicts on a regular? If you look at your

Unknown: 00:03:07

relationships, maybe you are in an intimate relationship right

Unknown: 00:03:12

now.

Unknown: 00:03:14

reflect for a moment. How honestly, you express yourself

Unknown: 00:03:21

in that relationship.

Unknown: 00:03:28

And then if you're not in a committed relationship, romantic

Unknown: 00:03:32

relationship, however we call it nowadays.

Unknown: 00:03:36

Look at your closest people and how you interact with them.

Unknown: 00:03:42

Especially when something Bugsy, when something annoys you,

Unknown: 00:03:48

when something is not going the way you imagined, because that's

Unknown: 00:03:54

when

Unknown: 00:03:56

friction arises, right? We don't run around and pick fights, I

Unknown: 00:04:01

guess. Yeah, there's these people too.

Unknown: 00:04:04

But when something happens in a different manner than we

Unknown: 00:04:09

anticipated, when a person reacts differently than we

Unknown: 00:04:14

wanted them to or expected them to.

Unknown: 00:04:17

When people do things in different ways than we are used

Unknown: 00:04:23

to doing them.

Unknown: 00:04:25

What else can we think of when we feel disrespected when we

Unknown: 00:04:30

feel the other person? Yeah, is not really valuing our reality.

Unknown: 00:04:37

Our there's so many, so like endlessly.

Unknown: 00:04:43

Like how do you say endless reasons to feel uncomfortable

Unknown: 00:04:49

and to have aggression come up inside of you.

Unknown: 00:04:54

And how do you deal with that?

Unknown: 00:04:57

I will share with you in a moment.

Unknown: 00:05:00

How it is for me and how it was for me.

Unknown: 00:05:04

I like especially with my partners, I used to be very

Unknown: 00:05:09

fiery.

Unknown: 00:05:12

And what that means is that every time I felt triggered

Unknown: 00:05:15

every time something yeah was bugging me,

Unknown: 00:05:21

I

Unknown: 00:05:24

started the argument. And I also have to say that I was a very

Unknown: 00:05:30

wounded woman back then, and I was with a partner, who was

Unknown: 00:05:35

yeah, really pushing my

Unknown: 00:05:39

buttons, and really touching my wounds on a regular and I did

Unknown: 00:05:45

the same for him, you know, not in a good way. We just push each

Unknown: 00:05:50

other's buttons, if not on a weekly, but bi weekly, and it

Unknown: 00:05:55

really got really explosive, many times. And when it came to

Unknown: 00:06:01

these fights, and I felt so triggered, and I felt so hurt, I

Unknown: 00:06:06

would enter the argument with an intention to hurt the other

Unknown: 00:06:13

person

Unknown: 00:06:14

with an intention to destroy something, not in the physical

Unknown: 00:06:19

world, like no material, no, no stuff that was laying around,

Unknown: 00:06:24

you know, not throwing things. But emotionally, mentally, I was

Unknown: 00:06:30

ready to, yeah, cause damage.

Unknown: 00:06:36

And of course, if you

Unknown: 00:06:40

know that this energy comes up, what is the outcome going to be?

Unknown: 00:06:44

The outcome is going to be pain, disappointment, separation? And,

Unknown: 00:06:53

yeah, lots of hurt feelings. And is that going to help the

Unknown: 00:06:59

relationship to grow? Hmm, it turned out and I had to learn it

Unknown: 00:07:04

the hard way, like so many things in my life, that it was

Unknown: 00:07:09

not strengthening our relationship.

Unknown: 00:07:13

What I've learned now in recent years,

Unknown: 00:07:17

and this is why I'm so passionate to talk about because

Unknown: 00:07:20

it was such a huge thing for me to find out, is that fighting is

Unknown: 00:07:26

not a bad thing. Because that's what what I, you know, concluded

Unknown: 00:07:31

is that fighting is gonna destroy a relationship. And then

Unknown: 00:07:35

it's basically the end.

Unknown: 00:07:38

And you can pack your things and get separated. And I tried to

Unknown: 00:07:44

suppress my anger in the future, in other relationships. But that

Unknown: 00:07:50

didn't work either. Because they ended up being aggressive in a

Unknown: 00:07:54

very subtle, manipulative, and passive aggressive way. So I was

Unknown: 00:08:02

really, yeah, hopeless with with that situation, because I didn't

Unknown: 00:08:10

know okay, these feelings are there, I can't do anything about

Unknown: 00:08:13

them. But how can I channel them outside of me

Unknown: 00:08:19

and turn the argument into something productive.

Unknown: 00:08:26

And what I'm learning now is that it is

Unknown: 00:08:30

very much possible, we can learn to express our anger or sadness

Unknown: 00:08:36

or disappointment, in a way that our partner will understand. And

Unknown: 00:08:42

for the future, will do everything, to not make it

Unknown: 00:08:47

happen again. And the fine line there is

Unknown: 00:08:53

that you have to find out okay, did the other person actually do

Unknown: 00:08:58

something to hurt me? Or is there something inside of me

Unknown: 00:09:05

that I still have to heal? Because sometimes when

Unknown: 00:09:09

aggression comes up, yeah, it can be our neighbor, a sibling

Unknown: 00:09:14

or partner doing something that is really stupid and annoying,

Unknown: 00:09:18

and doesn't make any sense and is maybe even harming others.

Unknown: 00:09:24

But I want you to look at it in the future. And see that

Unknown: 00:09:29

sometimes we feel aggression. We feel irritation and agitation

Unknown: 00:09:36

inside of us, triggered by someone on in the outside world.

Unknown: 00:09:43

But it has nothing to do with them. They just pushed the

Unknown: 00:09:47

little button. But we have to take ownership of those those

Unknown: 00:09:53

strong feelings now and find out why we are getting

Unknown: 00:10:00

being so aggressive, and why we are feeling so sad,

Unknown: 00:10:04

disappointed, powerless, helpless, in specific moments.

Unknown: 00:10:10

And then the art is

Unknown: 00:10:14

to express it. And to sit down with that person

Unknown: 00:10:20

in taking ownership how you feel, not blaming the other

Unknown: 00:10:26

person, because I tell you what 90% of the time, if not more, it

Unknown: 00:10:33

is you having to do some work on your wounded internal life. And

Unknown: 00:10:41

it has nothing to do with the person who pushed your button,

Unknown: 00:10:45

because they didn't know better, they didn't know that he was

Unknown: 00:10:50

still in pain, because we don't see it as an outsider, we don't

Unknown: 00:10:58

see where you are still in need of feeling the people around you

Unknown: 00:11:04

are not given a manual on how to handle you. This is how I think

Unknown: 00:11:11

we have to approach pretty much every relationship we are in, we

Unknown: 00:11:17

have to assume that the people know nothing about us. And we

Unknown: 00:11:20

have to do our part, to communicate the best way

Unknown: 00:11:24

possible, on how our brain or heart functions, what our soul

Unknown: 00:11:33

is longing for. And that is what true intimacy is for me

Unknown: 00:11:39

nowadays, is to open up to my partner and to say, hey,

Unknown: 00:11:46

you know what you said earlier,

Unknown: 00:11:48

I felt hurt.

Unknown: 00:11:52

It made me feel

Unknown: 00:11:57

unvalued let's say it made me feel small. And you might not be

Unknown: 00:12:06

aware that it makes me feel weird when you say these things.

Unknown: 00:12:11

But this is what happened in the past. And I'm working on it. I

Unknown: 00:12:16

don't want to be, you know, and victim mentality. I'm trying to

Unknown: 00:12:20

hear from this.

Unknown: 00:12:23

Can we talk about this a little further, and then move on.

Unknown: 00:12:29

So

Unknown: 00:12:31

and you can say this in a very emotional way, right? You it's

Unknown: 00:12:35

not about suppressing all your feelings and suppressing what

Unknown: 00:12:38

comes up. But taking ownership for what you feel. I think that

Unknown: 00:12:43

is the important thing that we we can all all learn here. Hey,

Unknown: 00:12:48

this really hurt me. Instead of trying to blame and shame the

Unknown: 00:12:52

other and attack back, which I, I used to yeah, do

Unknown: 00:12:59

we say Hey, this is actually what's going on inside of me

Unknown: 00:13:04

when you do these things, when you say these things? And can we

Unknown: 00:13:08

do something about it. And then the other person learns

Unknown: 00:13:11

something about you without feeling blamed or shamed. So

Unknown: 00:13:15

their channels of communication are still open, they're not

Unknown: 00:13:18

experiencing a shutdown.

Unknown: 00:13:21

And you get to express yourself, what's going on, and it is

Unknown: 00:13:26

incredibly healing.

Unknown: 00:13:29

It is so awesome, because

Unknown: 00:13:33

the argument is, as short as possible, the suffering is as

Unknown: 00:13:39

short as possible. And it is just, yeah, a great way to

Unknown: 00:13:45

connect with your partner on a deeper way. in a deeper way,

Unknown: 00:13:49

sorry. You know, so often we are in long term relationships, and

Unknown: 00:13:56

kind of start accepting things that Yeah, I know I asked about

Unknown: 00:14:01

the other person, but we decide not to say anything, because it

Unknown: 00:14:06

is not really important. And some things are really not

Unknown: 00:14:10

important to mention. But some some things are and if you

Unknown: 00:14:15

decide to not talk about it, then it is like a blister, you

Unknown: 00:14:20

know like a pimple

Unknown: 00:14:24

that is growing and growing and growing and it's gonna start to

Unknown: 00:14:28

hurt and you're gonna start and be sharp and like weird with

Unknown: 00:14:34

your partner, you're going to maybe start avoiding them, or

Unknown: 00:14:38

you're going to start teasing them and and hurting them. And

Unknown: 00:14:43

that is not good. That is going to create separation. People are

Unknown: 00:14:47

going to start building walls and guard their heart. And

Unknown: 00:14:54

it's, it's not good to live that way. And I observed that you

Unknown: 00:14:59

know, with my

Unknown: 00:15:00

Parents with my grandparents even

Unknown: 00:15:03

many, many times

Unknown: 00:15:06

to then see me acting the very same way. So it is so

Unknown: 00:15:11

interesting to look at. How do your parents fight? How was it

Unknown: 00:15:15

when you were small? And you observed or were in fights

Unknown: 00:15:22

yourself? What did you learn about arguments? Did you learn

Unknown: 00:15:27

that it is a bad thing and it leads to separation on pain? Or

Unknown: 00:15:32

did you learn that it is okay to express your emotions and to

Unknown: 00:15:35

totally lash out? Or did you learn on how to communicate when

Unknown: 00:15:40

something is? Yeah, not so awesome in your life. So, as

Unknown: 00:15:47

usual, I'm burning to hear your experience with fighting and how

Unknown: 00:15:55

you deal with with fights with your spouse, with the parents,

Unknown: 00:15:58

with your friends, with your siblings, whoever it is,

Unknown: 00:16:04

because I believe we can all learn from each other. We can

Unknown: 00:16:07

all help each other out. Connect with me on Facebook, Aurora

Unknown: 00:16:12

Eggert coaching, or simply Aurora Eggert. shoot me a

Unknown: 00:16:16

message there. You can connect with me on Instagram the

Unknown: 00:16:20

Borealis experience. And if you don't mind, make some time and

Unknown: 00:16:27

leave a review on Apple podcast

Unknown: 00:16:30

or a rating. And same goes for the Aurora Eggert coaching

Unknown: 00:16:37

page. It means the world to me and helps me to be more visible

Unknown: 00:16:43

to people out there who would yeah greatly need the content to

Unknown: 00:16:49

heal and to feel less lonely. And yeah, you are playing a big

Unknown: 00:16:54

part in that. Thank you so much for listening. I'm sending my

Unknown: 00:16:58

love out to you. Until next time, take good care. Bye bye