Ep. 30 Rebuilding yourself / breaking out of the guilt-shame cycle w/ Mike Kappeler

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Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

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experience. I'm your host Aurora. And I'm very happy and

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excited to have Michael Koplow. With me today, it is an honor to

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have him here because I was able to see what his mission is all

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about what he's trying to make people aware of. And I just, I'm

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just so very touched about what Michael is doing, it is very

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important work, we will dive into what Michael is doing in a

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second here. But to start with, I want to remind you that yeah,

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we're all in this together, we're going through intense

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stuff at the moment, and it is not fun. It is not fun. There's

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lots of uncertainty, lots of pain, lots of unvoluntary change

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that is being forced upon us. And before COVID, there was

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people struggling already. So think about what COVID Now

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amplified and more pain it brought in. I must say, though,

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that COVID also brought a lot of beauty and like extraordinary

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people out, you know, there's people who are under pressure

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fooled, and just go into fetal position and are numb. And

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there's other people who rise up to the challenges and see that

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they have something inside of them, to support others to give

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others hope. And I want to say I don't really know Michael yet, I

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will get to know him a little better. But he is one of those

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warriors who during COVID times was able to create something

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that brings incredible value to our society. So welcome to the

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show. I'm honored to be speaking to you today, Michael, if you

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would like to Yeah, introduce yourself a little bit and share

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your story with us. The more you go into detail, the better it

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is, of course, but you stay in your comfort zone. Yeah, I would

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love to know, what led you to this beautiful mission that you

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are pursuing today.

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Well, first of all, thank you for your beautiful introduction.

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I appreciate that. And yeah, I can appreciate you highlighting

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a little bit more extreme of difficult times for people post

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COVID. Right. Obviously, everybody's going through

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something that's kind of a natural human experience prior

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to COVID. But yeah, I think the like how you worded it, right,

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the the aptitude the level, it's definitely increased. So insane,

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that my experience has actually kind of, I want to say, you

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know, almost exploded since COVID, in a positive way. My

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spiritual journey has very opened up, my spiritual journey

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has started through addiction. I'm a recovering alcoholic

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addict myself. And I first walked through the doors of

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recovery in 2008. And had a three years of sobriety got away

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from it, and continued to back to that old lifestyle of

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drinking and using and everything that comes with it

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right ultimately, ultimately pain for me and everybody around

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me, right watching. And then through enough pain, you know,

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walking back through the doors again of recovery and through a

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spiritual process. You know, getting well I use the word

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spiritually fit. And, and for a number of years. And, you know,

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part of my story is getting away from it again, and returning to

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the drink and the drug and to simplify me returning to that

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drinking the drug. There's a spiritual walk that was

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presented to me through a process of the 12 steps that

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gave me a foundation and as we live human beings, there's a

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fulfillment I think that we all seek, not just with addicts and

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alcoholics And that fulfillment has started being filled in

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recovery right and however you want to word it, whether you use

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God higher power source the universe, something bigger than

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me, right creator that had filled the void. But it's a

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daily thing, right and the shiny things of the world would grab

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my attention, money, material stuff, relationships. And that's

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where I would steer off. So I've mentioned twice going back to

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the drink and the drug life got good. And I really got separated

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from my true self and got caught up in the worldly things. And

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and that was had been my downfall so insane that by no

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reason, am I saying there's nothing wrong with just with

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succeeding in life, having nice things being successful

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financially materialistically all that there's nothing wrong

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with that. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a cop out of

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not saying to be successful in life, but it's what my motives

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are behind it, right? What is really going on here, right? So,

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you know, I talked about some obsessions of you know, car

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money, even physical, you know, I was addicted to the gym and

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would get into trying to think of a better word, but I guess

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they're just gonna say like stereos steroids and, and, you

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know, those, those enhancements a artificial enhancements, is

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trying to fill this inner void, right. So there's nothing wrong

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with working out in the gym and being healthy, right? So they're

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wrong with having a nice car. It's nothing wrong with having a

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nice relationship. There's nothing wrong with being

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financially secure. But what I found out as a common

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denominator is we tend to go after those things in extreme we

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all know the disease of more, right? I need more, it's never

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enough, right? I have this vision if I have that, I'll be

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happy, right? And, and I strive and I strive and I grind it out,

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and I'm manipulating and maybe even lying, and so me, I can't

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keep doing that stuff. Eventually, I'm gonna drink

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because I burn out inside I self hatred might be extreme, but I

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like the term. I'm an egomaniac with an inferiority complex

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problem. So I'm trying to build this ego, right? I'm trying to

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build this outside stuff, but inside the more I do that, the

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more though I feel about myself, right, the low self esteem the,

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the just the insecurities pile up and the self worth pile up.

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So insane all that I'm trying to relate to, you know, addicts and

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alcoholics because that seems to be a common denominator. I think

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as human beings we all can relate to that but I find the

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experience of alcoholics and addicts it's usually that's an

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extreme level right? It's just it's there's no balance right?

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It's just all or nothing and and so you know, this last couple

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years my foundation of spiritual way of living is you know, it's

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always been recovery you know, there's spiritual principles

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that I practice and and I grow from that right but it's a daily

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thing and something like I like to try to simplify for people

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it's like you know, I've had this concept of you know, I've

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been sober for a few years and I've sponsored people and I've

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done this and I've done that you know, putting on step groups and

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I've done all this stuff and I almost say that I've kind of

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I've gained a spiritual bankroll you know, I look at our good

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I've done in the last year and a half let Mikey little Mikey you

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know, 10 do himself for a bit right, you know, selfish and

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we're all selfish but like I said, it can get to extreme

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levels as an addict and alcoholic and so I start to feel

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those selfish needs are what I think I need and not to get away

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from what I was saying. Yeah, kind of bankrolling this you

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know, I've done all this stuff. So I for me, I have to say, What

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am I doing today for my spiritual well being right? It's

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a daily thing for me. So this may sound extreme, but I tell

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myself it doesn't matter what I did. Yes. Doesn't matter how

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connected I was with my higher self, my source I did use the

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word God. But whatever resonates for you, doesn't matter how

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connected I was, what I was doing to help others. I tell

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myself doesn't matter what yesterday it's what am I doing

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today? Right So, I think that kind of glaze over the gist of

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kind of my life prior in the middle. Today, it's kind of,

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there's all or nothing, right? I use this analogy is like, you

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know, my spiritual journey I had this long leash for a while

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where I could, you know, steer off and I've mentioned, you

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know, the shiny stuff, you know, getting away into self centered

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stuff, you know, whether I'm lying or, or just doing things

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that are crossing that internal boundary and other people's

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boundaries, right? It's that leaves for me today, it's so

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tight, like I can't afford to steer off. So, you know, a lot

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of people we have grace, right. And I mean, I certainly have a

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level of grace and human, I'm not perfect, but it's very

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tightened up. So I'm very focused of my recovery, my

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spiritual way of linear living, it's really, it's really all or

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nothing. So I gotta be all in today. For me. I'm certainly not

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speaking for everybody in recovery. Everybody has their

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own journey. So it's kind of cool, you know, to get into

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where I'm at today, if someone is to ask, you know, what's

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different for you to you know, you mentioned about being sober

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before. What's different? You know, there's a lot of people

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are skeptical, I had years of sobriety before. So it doesn't

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really matter what I say to a lot of people, it's, I have to

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show them. But if somebody is to ask me what is different, I have

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a deeper surrender. I have an effortless more of an effortless

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way about my life, I'm more present. And careful with

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somebody new in recovery, and St. Effortless because there is

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things we need to do.

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You build this foundation. So I feel through that process that

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I've gone through, I do have that foundations built a little

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bit better than it was when I first walked into recovery. So

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my way of life is a little bit more effortlessly, and I watch

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things as they come, right. So things come to me a little bit

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more, I'm able to be more present and separate myself from

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those selfish attitudes or you know, needs or wants, or the

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things I shared or better do this, and I better do that. I'm

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more. Okay, today with me. And so when I say that, you know,

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I'm involved in recovery. You know, one of my main goals of

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being in recovery is to help the other suffering alcoholic

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addict, right. As I've been been helped by so many, like,

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amazingly, I could, you know, fill an hour easily of what

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people have done for me and supported me, right, like it's

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got to be highlighted. So this is just kind of given back,

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right. It's not really about me in a way. Because I've been so

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freely given. So insane that. Yeah, just through some events,

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I was able to, I had an opportunity to do some outreach

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work for an organization in my town. It's actually a local

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organization in the Fraser Valley, but there's branches.

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And I think I'm okay saying PCRs. So Pacific Community

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Resource Center, and they offer all kinds of things like

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counseling and low income housing programs, around like

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the homeless and and drug addiction. But we did this. And

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then I was involved in doing outreach. That was what I was

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attracted in helping them doing this outreach in the homeless

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aspect that we have, which has grown I think everywhere,

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definitely in the Fraser Valley, definitely in my community. So

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I've reached out to them and just connecting with the people

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on the streets with the mode of if there's any chance of helping

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anybody, right. So in doing that, they came to me PCRs and

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today we're doing a project about getting awareness. We're

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all aware of the the the addiction pandemic, the opioid

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crisis, the overdose crisis on the street level, we all can see

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it daily, right. But there's been a spike, post COVID behind

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closed doors and overdoses. So I did do a three video series. One

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was just kind of a trailer of what we were getting at. So the

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second video was to paramedics that showed their story of going

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into homes where overdoses has happened, right. And we're

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targeting the 25 to 45 year old male aspect, which I fit in

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because although I was close to being on the street, I'm

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fortunate enough where I've always had a roof over my head

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for the most part. So I fit that category right as the attic

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somewhat functioning, you know, I'm still hanging on to my job

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by strings at the end. And so we targeted that category. And so

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with the paramedics did a video on it that video. And I'm

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definitely getting better at it but very video shy, and there's

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a lot of root insecurities that stem right from a child right

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fear of what people think of me fear of not being liked fear of

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failing and not to get off track. But I'm well aware of

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that stuff today through inventories and have processes,

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right, check that and challenge that stuff to be right. But

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anyway, back to the fear of being on video. Yeah, I was a

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little nervous about it. But it went well. And how did why did

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it go? Well, from my point, because I just suited up and

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showed up, right? There's, there's, I just gotta be honest,

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right? open minded and willing, right. And so we did this video,

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and the local paper did an article on it. And it got a

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little bit of buzz in the community. And I got a lot of

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positive feedback. And, and I enjoyed the process, I enjoyed

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the experience. So in saying that probably about there is

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from when we recorded the video to where it actually went out to

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the public was probably about a three month span. So I had some

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time with it. And probably about a month after the video was like

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released into the public forum like YouTube and the paper

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editor pro sets, like I mentioned before, I have a

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routine idea in the mornings ready to do some readings and

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some meditating. And this thought come to my mind kind of

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creating a show of highlighting the positive aspect of recovery.

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And I know of a program that's out there and I watch it that

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the root of it is a positive thing for sure I can never take

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that way away from it. But it really focuses on the the

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negativity of an addict alcoholic. And that's kind of

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the whole show showing this part. And there's maybe five

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minutes of, you know, coming together and trying to help this

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addict and then you know, the credits at the end of the show,

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you know that you kind of see that they make it or did they

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not make it right, and there's very little of the positive end

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of it. And, and other than that, I haven't seen a lot of stuff

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focusing on the positive rate, we all know the negative, like,

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every which way and it touches everybody lives, right. So this

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concept, and then, you know, I have patterns of obsessing about

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things, right, and these great ideas. And so after a day of

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kind of excited about this idea, and maybe sharing it with a few

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people that are close to me, I just kind of let it be, you

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know, might Yeah, right, you're gonna make a TV show? Yeah,

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you're gonna make a TV show and kind of chuckled about it. And I

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let it be. And then, you know, a week or so I continued to get

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these nudges, I started writing things down. Like, you know, how

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I would lay it out some questions of, you know, what is

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it about? Right, and, you know, really briefly, you know, some

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of those questions, you know, what is what would it be about?

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You know, why did I decide to make the show? What is it mean,

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to me personally? Who is the show intended for? Why is it

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important for a show to be made like this, right? And what is my

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goal of making a show and so it's neat to see these things

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kind of come together because I believe they are kind of

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divinely, you know, guided right, and this intuition that I

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think many of us can relate to right when we get connected get

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awake. So that was cool. And I shared it with a few people and

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I got some polite smiles great idea. Great idea. And once

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again, it was like yeah, you know, and part of me is like,

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means the mainstream TV as far as our as far as I believe that

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only he's going to show something like that right? You

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don't see spirituality talk of God or a higher power you don't

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see that stuff. And so I just kind of let it be again. And

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then I was needed some more so I shot it out to a few contacts

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like the PCRs and couple people that I knew of it do filming

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right for their profession, just kind of some small time stuff,

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right and some other people that I thought might be interested

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and got positive feedback and ultimately just came down when

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you'd need some funds to get something like this going right

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and, and I can I can support that at this moment. You know,

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raising the family and just with the cost of living today, right?

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So just kind of put it on the back burner again. And But a

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month later, a friend of mine has been A friend of mine for

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years, but we haven't been really close lately.

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He's not in recovery. But he's on a spiritual journey himself

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too, right? Pretty awake and connected. And so he reached

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back to me, and he's like, Dude, he's like, I keep getting nudged

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about this nanny got something here, right. And this is just be

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such a positive thing for the times. And so he goes, I'd be

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willing to put a promo video with you together and just

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highlight the motive behind this, the ideas and assuming

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it's like a GoFundMe page up and just see what we can do. So

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yeah, we launched that the day you and me connected. And, you

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know, we're over halfway, we wrote down a budget, what we

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thought and while that budget is is I mean, for me, being in

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recovery, in that there's no money motivation behind it

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recovery, once you mix my business, my experience, and I

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know we have a whole professional field and the level

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and that's not my experience, and I'm not knocking it, I know

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nothing about it very little about it. But in my experience,

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you can't mix money with recovery. It just, it just

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doesn't work. That's my experience. So I'm not saying,

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you know, there's lots of teachers and stuff like that out

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there. I just know, for me, I think if I start mixing those

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two together, I'm in trouble. So it's not about money for me, my

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partner involved in the project. I mean, he, I feel and he said

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to like, you know, like, I do this as a job, right. So it's

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for production costs travel. And I'd like to compensate the

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guests a little bit right. For their time, and, you know, maybe

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meals for the day and stuff like that. So that's kind of where we

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got that budget from people might be asking, Where's this

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number coming from? Why, right. And so it's something I really

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want to highlight, you know, that's where that number is

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coming from, right? There's some rental costs too, because he

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doesn't have everything we need, as in the sense of multiple mics

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and stuff like that. So we've, we've sat down, we've like, you

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know, put some thought to this. Right. Um, it's not completely

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being winged. But yeah, so it's, I've gotten a lot of positive

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feedback. And like I said, we're kind of halfway there on the

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budget. Yeah, I'll just kind of keep riding the wave. So I think

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I'll probably take a break from talking now and let you share a

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little bit

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i Yeah, this is crazy. I mean, I knew this conversation was gonna

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be good but you you're really blowing me away and thank you

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just from an outsider's perspective, like I can see

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clear as day why you had to keep going through suffering and pain

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and getting yourself out of it again, because I see you I feel

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your energy as a leader and as a healer. And as someone who's

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going to bridge the gap and you know, help people understand

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addiction better people who are you know, not not close in

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contact with addiction, but maybe you know, I feel in every

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family there is an addict or someone who wants to break out

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of the system and be a pioneer. And you understand these

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precious beings better. And what I also see in you is that you

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can be a fierce leader of youngsters. So not only people

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who are struggling already and helping them to recover but the

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way you speak you are so like open and honest with your stuff

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with your dark side that most people who never went through

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intense pain or addiction they don't have that access to those

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feelings and and you are so authentic and real with your

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pain that I was really close to be crying here. I know that

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we'll be able like that tool can be used to help people who are

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you know, maybe still before the state of drifting off you know,

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they still have a decision to make or am I go with the big

Unknown: 00:24:45

money and the bling bling or want to go into into depth and

Unknown: 00:24:52

do I want to get to know myself better before I make any

Unknown: 00:24:55

decisions in so I can see all this in you. It is just a matter

Unknown: 00:25:04

of time for you to see it yourself. And I'm, I'm so

Unknown: 00:25:09

excited about Yeah, the ideas that you have there. And I feel

Unknown: 00:25:15

it's, it's time like, don't wait, don't waste any time and

Unknown: 00:25:20

don't self doubt. Don't wait for too much approval from the

Unknown: 00:25:24

outside. You just need a small wolf pack that you can rely on.

Unknown: 00:25:32

And then and then go ahead because your energy is needed

Unknown: 00:25:37

out there. And yeah, it's it's very precious what you shared

Unknown: 00:25:42

already with us. I have one question. When it comes to

Unknown: 00:25:49

addiction, like, or let's just speak about your your

Unknown: 00:25:54

experience, because you said it is your self worth it is your,

Unknown: 00:25:59

your, like you have a complex not being seen and understood or

Unknown: 00:26:04

not feeling worthy. Do you sometimes go back and time and

Unknown: 00:26:10

try to rewrite your story like to know that? Yes, you went

Unknown: 00:26:18

through the pain back then you made conclusions about yourself

Unknown: 00:26:22

that are not correct anymore? And how to let those go. How to

Unknown: 00:26:29

redefine yourself. Are you like, can you relate?

Unknown: 00:26:35

Oh, yeah. 100%? Yeah, I can answer that question. Beautiful

Unknown: 00:26:42

question. By the way. I touched it briefly in the sense of I can

Unknown: 00:26:49

go back obviously, being at that young age, then not

Unknown: 00:26:52

understanding what's going on. But I can look back. And one of

Unknown: 00:26:56

the great things about a recovery process is doing I call

Unknown: 00:27:01

it an inventory, right. So we were diving deep, and it's not

Unknown: 00:27:05

so much. I mean, you've got to start by looking at the things

Unknown: 00:27:10

that we've done the way we've reacted to things and the way

Unknown: 00:27:13

we've acted out. That's the surface stuff, right? And And

Unknown: 00:27:16

for sure, we have to start there. But then it's like

Unknown: 00:27:20

getting under it right. And so through some inventory work and

Unknown: 00:27:23

from finally turning in, and I'll say this not to get off to

Unknown: 00:27:27

answering your question, but I think it's helpful for others, a

Unknown: 00:27:30

huge turning point in my life. And I think this is for any

Unknown: 00:27:33

human being not just an alcoholic or addict. turning

Unknown: 00:27:37

point for me, I'm getting shivers. As I say this my whole

Unknown: 00:27:41

life for most of my youth life, I was pointing my finger out

Unknown: 00:27:45

there, you know, if that changed, I'd be better whether

Unknown: 00:27:47

it's the relationship, the boss, I had more money, a new place to

Unknown: 00:27:52

live, if that guy pissed off and left me alone, and on and on.

Unknown: 00:27:55

And I did that for 30 years. So a huge turning point for me, was

Unknown: 00:28:01

looking inside, right, and really grasping the concept of

Unknown: 00:28:06

nothing outside of me needs to change, I need to change. My

Unknown: 00:28:10

perception needs to change, I have a disease, let's start to

Unknown: 00:28:14

mind. And then maybe many people can relate to this, let's say

Unknown: 00:28:18

disease, because I mean, I was in need of a psychic change.

Unknown: 00:28:22

Right? So to go back to asking your beautiful question, I can

Unknown: 00:28:27

look back through this process of inventory work. And remember

Unknown: 00:28:31

when I was five and six years old, and you know, being so self

Unknown: 00:28:37

conscious of my looks and what people thought of me, and I know

Unknown: 00:28:40

I mentioned this stuff, so just bear with me. Fear of failing

Unknown: 00:28:44

and fear of what people thought of me I was there's so many

Unknown: 00:28:47

fears of what everybody was thinking and, you know, a

Unknown: 00:28:52

professional level can relate that stuff, like social anxiety

Unknown: 00:28:56

and stuff like that. So I'm just going to try to simplify it for

Unknown: 00:29:00

me out was easy for me to understand. And that stuff just

Unknown: 00:29:05

grew, right. It just grew. I believe that. And I'm not

Unknown: 00:29:10

putting blame on anybody because everybody goes through this

Unknown: 00:29:12

stuff. But you know, when somebody said, Mike, you're

Unknown: 00:29:15

chubby, I mean, I, I that goes grew in me right? Or, you know,

Unknown: 00:29:20

anything negative. Like, here's a simple way of saying it. You

Unknown: 00:29:23

know, there was a time in my life where I could spit off 1000

Unknown: 00:29:27

insults or at least what I precepted to be insults I ban

Unknown: 00:29:33

how many compliments can i lay out? Do you think I never got

Unknown: 00:29:39

compliments? Of course I did. Maybe even more. But I wasn't I

Unknown: 00:29:44

didn't believe them. Believe the insults I believe. I believe the

Unknown: 00:29:48

negative stuff and half of that negative stuff. You know when I

Unknown: 00:29:51

say 1000 You know insults or situations. Half of them

Unknown: 00:29:58

probably I created them in My head just with assumptions and

Unknown: 00:30:02

thinking that's what people are meaning and stuff like that,

Unknown: 00:30:04

right? So I don't want to get too deep in that. But I hope

Unknown: 00:30:07

that kind of makes sense. So getting back, that stuff just

Unknown: 00:30:10

grew. So, for me, I don't know if that stuff would have ever

Unknown: 00:30:16

have changed if I didn't walk through the days are through the

Unknown: 00:30:19

doors of recovery. And then in recovery, I was forced to wake

Unknown: 00:30:23

up, what do I mean by waking up or one of the first levels of

Unknown: 00:30:26

waking up? Because I started watching myself, right? I

Unknown: 00:30:29

started watching the thoughts. And that's not real. That's not

Unknown: 00:30:32

true. So today, those stuff may still pop up. Right? He said,

Unknown: 00:30:37

when I talk about meditating or meditating, for me, it certainly

Unknown: 00:30:40

isn't sitting in a lotus position with no thoughts for

Unknown: 00:30:43

three hours at a meditating for me, meditating and sitting

Unknown: 00:30:47

upright, somewhat comfortably, and in focusing on breathing,

Unknown: 00:30:51

but watching those thoughts, and 90% of them are stories. Not

Unknown: 00:30:59

real.

Unknown: 00:31:01

Yeah, yeah. For me, meditation is the same. It's, it started

Unknown: 00:31:05

with being a torture. Like, are you kidding me? Like everybody

Unknown: 00:31:10

is so calm and peaceful here. And I just want things apart and

Unknown: 00:31:16

run out. And to sit with that energy to sit with with what is

Unknown: 00:31:22

constantly with you anyways, and now you're becoming aware of it

Unknown: 00:31:27

is so shitty painful. It is so crazy. But yeah, kudos to you.

Unknown: 00:31:33

We are still doing it. Yeah, we're still meditating and

Unknown: 00:31:36

sitting through it. And it's, it's yeah, that's just practice.

Unknown: 00:31:42

Practice,

Unknown: 00:31:43

not getting discouraged. So when I hear a story like that, you

Unknown: 00:31:46

relating to the noise at the beginning, and, and then

Unknown: 00:31:49

comparing yourself to others. I so relate to that. Right. And I

Unknown: 00:31:53

think that comparing myself in this expectation, you know, that

Unknown: 00:31:57

stuff, I've got to challenge that stuff.

Unknown: 00:31:59

A Yeah, yeah, totally. And, and you haven't gone through that

Unknown: 00:32:05

pain now. You can automatically relate to me and feel empathy,

Unknown: 00:32:12

right? You attracted me into your life, this is why we're

Unknown: 00:32:15

sitting here, and you will do so many more people. And I hope

Unknown: 00:32:20

that you can see also, that addiction and recovery is

Unknown: 00:32:25

awesome, like to focus on and is really needed. But you can even

Unknown: 00:32:31

go beyond and help people who struggle with burnout and

Unknown: 00:32:35

depression. And people who just went through divorce and are

Unknown: 00:32:40

going crazy in their minds, right? You can help so many

Unknown: 00:32:44

people, but you had to go through that pain first.

Unknown: 00:32:48

Unfortunately, fortunately, to be able to relate now and to be

Unknown: 00:32:54

able to forgive yourself and and yet live your purpose. It's it's

Unknown: 00:33:02

very, like tough probably at the beginning to see oh shit, I've

Unknown: 00:33:06

been a victim for my whole life. And I'm actually supposed to

Unknown: 00:33:10

leader. But it's also incredibly empowering and necessary for

Unknown: 00:33:18

guys like you to step out there and to become the leaders

Unknown: 00:33:23

because what my mission of my podcast is here is to put the

Unknown: 00:33:27

spotlight on to heart driven leaders away from from ego

Unknown: 00:33:32

driven pneus and, you know, money driven. And this money is

Unknown: 00:33:37

good money will be your outcome and your reward and everything.

Unknown: 00:33:43

But it should never be like your main focus and for you it is

Unknown: 00:33:48

not. So you have kids, you said you have two sons. Is that

Unknown: 00:33:54

correct? Yes.

Unknown: 00:33:56

Okay, how are ya? I four total boys, two girls.

Unknown: 00:34:01

Oh, cool. Very, very cool. Yeah, I hope I hope. Yeah, you guys

Unknown: 00:34:07

have an awesome time together and they are proud of you. Mike

Unknown: 00:34:13

question is having kids, I don't have kids. But if I was

Unknown: 00:34:18

comparing myself to you, you went through pain through

Unknown: 00:34:22

struggle. You're building yourself up now you're creating

Unknown: 00:34:26

something beautiful. In your kiddos, do you see that you

Unknown: 00:34:33

sometimes like try to overly protect them from going onto

Unknown: 00:34:41

that path? Or is it easy to trust because you see that you

Unknown: 00:34:47

can help them and guide them into the right direction? How is

Unknown: 00:34:52

it for you as a parent to not like project your experience

Unknown: 00:34:58

onto them? First of all, and second, if you were to see that

Unknown: 00:35:03

they have similar tendencies, how can you you help them? Like

Unknown: 00:35:08

how can you give them the tools that maybe you didn't have? Back

Unknown: 00:35:13

then?

Unknown: 00:35:15

Wow, this is this question is awesome. Um, how much time do I

Unknown: 00:35:22

have? Like, I don't want to kind of ramble on, I'm gonna get to

Unknown: 00:35:24

kind of have like about five minutes or we gotta close here,

Unknown: 00:35:29

I will wave at you getting close. Yep.

Unknown: 00:35:34

And why I say that it's I don't believe in coincidences, I'm

Unknown: 00:35:37

actually having a learning lesson as a parent, and I'm kind

Unknown: 00:35:41

of coming out of something. And so, you know, being in recovery,

Unknown: 00:35:46

having a spiritual journey, getting a week and just, once

Unknown: 00:35:50

again, really functioning in society as being a human being

Unknown: 00:35:53

on, you know, the worldly level on a spiritual level, right. So

Unknown: 00:35:59

I've caught myself, basically kind of parenting my children.

Unknown: 00:36:08

And this is something just coming out of so we had a couple

Unknown: 00:36:11

years of this a parenting my children as I was turning me. So

Unknown: 00:36:17

you know, nothing wrong. Like we have some pretty awesome

Unknown: 00:36:19

conversations, you know, I have a 16 year old and a 13 year old

Unknown: 00:36:22

and we can have some pretty deep conversations. But what finally

Unknown: 00:36:27

they taught me this, it was them actually pointing it out. But

Unknown: 00:36:32

what I caught myself doing is, I was pairing trying to parent

Unknown: 00:36:37

myself, right? So once again, having balanced right, so

Unknown: 00:36:41

there's no problem, you know, with teaching them or getting

Unknown: 00:36:44

them awareness about addiction. And, you know, this, this is

Unknown: 00:36:48

life of trying to fulfill things with wrong motives. And, and,

Unknown: 00:36:53

you know, you're trying to show them to be genuinely a good

Unknown: 00:36:55

human being. But I was coming at it as if I was parenting myself,

Unknown: 00:37:00

and something hit me one day, were getting back into that

Unknown: 00:37:04

balance level of you know, they're their own personalities,

Unknown: 00:37:11

they're their own people, and you know, anybody with children

Unknown: 00:37:13

system for a half hour and go, Wow, where did that come from?

Unknown: 00:37:16

Right? Whether they're a toddler or an 18 year old, and

Unknown: 00:37:19

everything in between? Yeah, they've, you know, physically

Unknown: 00:37:23

come from from a woman and you know, and father, but they're

Unknown: 00:37:28

their own thing, hey, they're their own beans. And so when I

Unknown: 00:37:33

say balance, I share my story, and I'll share my mistakes, and

Unknown: 00:37:37

hopefully, they don't do them. But the implementation I was

Unknown: 00:37:41

parenting myself, so, you know, being all over the making sure

Unknown: 00:37:46

that they're not going to go in any little Avenue what I did

Unknown: 00:37:48

when I was a youth, I've stepped back from that, and letting more

Unknown: 00:37:52

than be, you know, they're gonna make their mistakes. They're

Unknown: 00:37:55

gonna go through their trials and tribulations, right? And of

Unknown: 00:37:59

course, insane that, you know, there's the balance. Obviously,

Unknown: 00:38:03

I'm not neglecting, neglecting my children are not part of

Unknown: 00:38:05

their life. But I'm also not over them and you know,

Unknown: 00:38:10

smothering them the word you use, right? It's letting them

Unknown: 00:38:14

find their way. Right. And, you know, maybe my way or my way I

Unknown: 00:38:19

think they should be isn't their way. Right. So hopefully, I

Unknown: 00:38:22

didn't go off too much there. But I love that question.

Unknown: 00:38:26

Hopefully, I answered your question.

Unknown: 00:38:28

No, no, you did. Like it's, it's very interesting how every

Unknown: 00:38:33

father would answer this question differently. And I love

Unknown: 00:38:40

what you say, like we can all learn from this. I think as as a

Unknown: 00:38:45

father, it's probably hardest, like you say, they come from you

Unknown: 00:38:48

physically. So you kind of assume oh, yeah, they must be

Unknown: 00:38:52

like me. Yeah. But then to step back and to know like, no, they

Unknown: 00:38:57

actually their own personality, but they can still learn from

Unknown: 00:39:01

you so much. Especially if you're leading by example.

Unknown: 00:39:06

Right? That's the most powerful thing perfect. Yeah, it's it's

Unknown: 00:39:11

the only thing it's the only thing because everything that a

Unknown: 00:39:15

parent is trying to teach a child and not living at the same

Unknown: 00:39:20

time is for the garbage I believe. And it's it's very

Unknown: 00:39:27

inspiring how you approach it and how open minded you are

Unknown: 00:39:32

about it. And yeah, very evolved. I just, I just love

Unknown: 00:39:36

that so much. Is there anything else we would like to add to

Unknown: 00:39:41

this episode? Or did we cover everything? I want to make sure

Unknown: 00:39:45

to put the links to your videos, the link to your Facebook page,

Unknown: 00:39:50

into the show notes? Yeah. How else can people reach you? How

Unknown: 00:39:57

else can we make sure that more people hear about your

Unknown: 00:40:00

Send. Yeah, I'm pretty active on Facebook, I can shoot you my

Unknown: 00:40:04

email, I'll message that to you later. Also shoot you the other

Unknown: 00:40:08

video I did for that PCRs because I think a very high a

Unknown: 00:40:15

good point in that video, as we were really shedding light on

Unknown: 00:40:19

what the family member or the friend who's watching an addict,

Unknown: 00:40:24

you know, kill themselves through addiction? What are some

Unknown: 00:40:26

of their options? How can they approach it? And I think that's

Unknown: 00:40:30

powerful for people. So I'm going to send you that video

Unknown: 00:40:33

too. And can I can I say something real real quick. And

Unknown: 00:40:42

being in the recovery world, or whatever you want to call it?

Unknown: 00:40:48

Community, one thing that continuously comes up and I want

Unknown: 00:40:52

to share people always talk about shame and guilt and they

Unknown: 00:40:54

go shame and guilt you know, I'm, I feel so much shame and

Unknown: 00:40:58

guilt and you can feel that, you know, just as a regular human

Unknown: 00:41:01

being or, you know, sober and we all can relate, you know, we

Unknown: 00:41:09

have this mindset Yeah, I feel guilty or I feel shameful and,

Unknown: 00:41:13

and something I want to pass on to people out in, you know,

Unknown: 00:41:17

anybody but definitely the people in recovery, because

Unknown: 00:41:19

shame and guilt comes up so much because it people's pasts is

Unknown: 00:41:23

something that I've learned to process because I've been that

Unknown: 00:41:26

person, for example, that's driven, you know, I'm driving

Unknown: 00:41:29

downtown, and I see something that triggers me. And I think

Unknown: 00:41:32

back of something I'd done, that was not very good, right? And

Unknown: 00:41:37

I'd sit there and I just pull it in, and that's who I am. And

Unknown: 00:41:41

sometimes I would curse at myself and say, you effing

Unknown: 00:41:44

loser, Mike and, and just believe that, right? So I've

Unknown: 00:41:49

come today to learn to separate healthy guilt. This is the way I

Unknown: 00:41:53

describe it. Maybe on a professional level. This doesn't

Unknown: 00:41:55

make sense. But the way I describe it as I've come to

Unknown: 00:41:58

differentiate healthy guilt from feeling shameful. So I say that

Unknown: 00:42:05

there's healthy guilt, unhealthy guilt is good. So shameful is

Unknown: 00:42:08

that example, I'm driving down the road, I think of something

Unknown: 00:42:10

that I did in the past. And I'm believing it and I'm telling

Unknown: 00:42:14

myself on a loser, this and that, well, that's just that's

Unknown: 00:42:18

just destroying my self esteem and confidence. Right? And that

Unknown: 00:42:22

is such a pattern and addiction, right? Whereas healthy guilt,

Unknown: 00:42:26

that same situation comes up, then I can go Yeah, I did that.

Unknown: 00:42:31

Oh, I clean that up I made that amends. Or are the ultimate is

Unknown: 00:42:35

is that don't do that today. I'm not that person. I've made an

Unknown: 00:42:38

amends. I'm not doing those things today. That is not who I

Unknown: 00:42:42

am. So I challenge that. Right. Because a lot of us can get

Unknown: 00:42:46

trapped in that and believing that's who we are. And through a

Unknown: 00:42:49

process. You know, like I mentioned the inventory and a

Unknown: 00:42:53

spiritual awakening, we can start challenging that stuff.

Unknown: 00:42:55

And it's not an overnight thing, right. So it's like, I don't do

Unknown: 00:42:58

that stuff, that it's not who I am. I've made amends for things,

Unknown: 00:43:03

and I've cleaned things up. And thank you very much. So healthy

Unknown: 00:43:06

guilt and shame fulness there's a difference.

Unknown: 00:43:11

That is like you just threw the most valuable tool at us that we

Unknown: 00:43:16

can all use. Thank you. Yeah, like, we all have done stuff in

Unknown: 00:43:21

the past. That is something that we can use because otherwise

Unknown: 00:43:27

it's like a vicious cycle. I feel shame. And then I go back

Unknown: 00:43:32

to the drinking go back to the city behavior because I don't

Unknown: 00:43:35

want to feel that shame. And now what you just gave us is to

Unknown: 00:43:41

break up that vicious cycle and to be accountable. Yeah, to

Unknown: 00:43:46

learn from the mistake, but not to to live in this poisonous

Unknown: 00:43:53

this poisonous shame feelings anymore. That kind of keep us in

Unknown: 00:43:57

that very low energy. So incredible ending. Wow, thank

Unknown: 00:44:03

you so much for for Yeah, pulling that out of your your

Unknown: 00:44:09

toolbox. Very valuable. And yeah, from the bottom of my

Unknown: 00:44:14

heart. Thank you so much for making the time today for

Unknown: 00:44:18

pouring your heart out for making us see you. Your energy

Unknown: 00:44:23

is incredible. And I'm just personally very, very happy that

Unknown: 00:44:28

we can thank you so

Unknown: 00:44:30

much for I really appreciate this opportunity. And I was a

Unknown: 00:44:33

little skeptical at the beginning of it when you first

Unknown: 00:44:35

talked about it. And you blown you blown me away with you and

Unknown: 00:44:39

your motive and your intent. And I'm just so grateful. You're a

Unknown: 00:44:43

beautiful soul like just absolutely. So I thank you so

Unknown: 00:44:47

much. Yeah, Kim like

Unknown: 00:44:50

Thank you. Well, I really hope you enjoyed this interview. I

Unknown: 00:44:55

totally enjoyed the conversation. And yeah, I will

Unknown: 00:45:00

Make sure to put the video links into the show notes. You can

Unknown: 00:45:05

contact Mike on Facebook or if you have any questions, any

Unknown: 00:45:09

comments, never hesitate and shoot me a message on Aurora

Unknown: 00:45:15

Eggert, my Facebook page. Also a note, if you are struggling

Unknown: 00:45:21

right now, if you feel like you need to talk about your stuff,

Unknown: 00:45:25

and counseling and visiting a psychotherapist is not really

Unknown: 00:45:31

necessary at the moment you just need someone to talk to need

Unknown: 00:45:35

someone to guide you on your path, then please contact me and

Unknown: 00:45:43

ask me to send you my calendar link so that we can schedule a

Unknown: 00:45:48

60 minute intro call where I can figure out if I can help you

Unknown: 00:45:55

with stuff that you're going through right now. I'm a love

Unknown: 00:45:59

and life coach and would love to assist you whenever you feel

Unknown: 00:46:04

like you need a neutral person to talk to. Alright, take really

Unknown: 00:46:10

good care of yourself and I'll see you down the road. I'll be

Unknown: 00:46:14

out there very soon again. Bye bye