Ep. 28 A codependent relationship that needs a lot of your attention [relationships]

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Hello, hello, and

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welcome to the Borealis experience. I'm your host

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Aurora, and I'm very happy to be spending some time with you

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today. I hope you're doing well, I hope you're in a good place.

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And if not, I hope I can lift you up, make you feel good about

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yourself, and help you to move on to whatever problems you are

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faced with at the moment. Today, I want to talk about your

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mother. I remember when I was in grade nine or 10, there were

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mother jokes out there. And I always thought they were very

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funny and can stop giggling, thinking of some of those jokes.

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But this episode today is not going to be about mother jokes.

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It is about your relationship with your mother. I received a

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message from a dear listener, a dear friend the other day. And

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he was explaining to me that his mom is sick. And he has to take

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care of her. He lives with her. And that he keeps getting very,

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very angry. He then apologizes. And then his mom forgives him.

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But yeah, this situation is very tough and emotionally draining.

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And additionally to that he tells me that no woman wants to

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stay with him in a relationship. He keeps meeting people. But

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yeah, it doesn't seem to be working out. They leave him and

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he is. Yeah, very sad about this very desperate to meet someone

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and maybe get married even one day. So I decided to make an

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episode for him. And please know whenever there's something that

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bugs you that is weighing heavily on your heart, shoot me

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a message on Facebook or Instagram. And I will try and

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produce an episode for you. And I know in doing so, we can also

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help other people who might be struggling with similar

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problems. If you haven't already, please subscribe to

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this podcast. And if you feel very generous today, give me a

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five star review on Apple podcast, it would mean so much

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to me. Alright, let's dive in your mother. And don't get me

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wrong if your mother has passed or if you were adopted, your

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primary caregiver is the first source of love that you

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experience your mom gives birth to you or adopt to or is there

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for you. And this is basically your blueprint for love. She

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gives you food, she nurtures you with love. She teaches you

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things. And she is there for you in emotional distress. This is

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the ideal mother. I'm very aware of this. I'm very aware that

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there's some people out there who grow up with a primary

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caregiver with a mother that is not able to provide all these

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things, because maybe she hasn't received it herself when she was

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little. But let's assume that you were given pretty much

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everything you need from her when you were little and when

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you were growing up. If it happens, that your mom is maybe

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left by her husband by her father, by your father, and you

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live alone with her. It is tough on you as a child on many many

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level because first of all kids usually feel

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hurt How do you say they feel in charge of taking care of the

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emotional well being of the mother or of the Father, when

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the mother left the house, they are starting to be caught in a

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role that a child is not meant to play, they tried to replace

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the partner, they are there for the mother, in this case, on an

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emotional level. And sometimes the mother doesn't see that it

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is not the child's responsibility to be their

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caregiver. The mother needs to seek out counseling,

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physiotherapists, if she is physically enabled, or friends

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and relatives, but her child should be protected from the

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misery of the man. For some people, that might sound very

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cruel, because you think well, but it's my mom, and I want her

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to be happy, and I'm so grateful for everything that she has done

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for me. But you have to understand that there are

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boundaries that need to be set. In order for both people, not

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only the child, but also the mother, to live a healthy life,

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your mom cannot depend on you. Because if she does, she will

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take the place that emotional energy from you, that is needed

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to create a healthy relationship with another, in this case,

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another woman. So it is just crystal clear to me that

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whenever my friend is meeting a girl, and they get along well,

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but she realizes that all his emotional energy, all his mental

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energy, all his physical energy maybe is going into his mother,

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that she doesn't have a place in his life. And that makes people

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vanish that makes people run away. Sometimes even it doesn't

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make them bad people. It just makes them people who are very

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aware of what they want a need in life. And they don't want to

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put up with competition, for instance, very strong

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competition, you have to see on a physical level, if you live

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with your mama, and care for her all day long, and emotional

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level energetical level, you are not making space for a new

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partner. So all this to say is that I want to bring the power

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back to you, you have the power in your hands to make wise

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decisions in the future. It is not bad women that you keep

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meeting, it is women that are aware of this phenomenon, and

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they want nothing to do with it. They want to meet you as an

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individual and not as the son of your mother. I recommend to look

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up code dependency as well, I will put it in the show notes.

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And have a little bit of a read there because it is very

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important to know which boundaries you can set. And if

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blamed, you know if guilt tripped if being called selfish,

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then you are being given tools on how to stand up for yourself.

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Because that's the trickiest part about independent

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codependency is that when you seek independency, the person

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that is dependent on you and you on them will not like the

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change. They will feel you abandon them. you reject them.

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You're being selfish. And I know this all too well because I've

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gone through this many, many times in my life. And it is a

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very tough situation to be in. But setting boundaries in this

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case is really the only way out in order for you to have healthy

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relationships

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with other people. Yes, your mom gave you birth. Yes, your mom

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was there for you in the first years of your life, but you are

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supposed to be on this planet to pursue your life and your

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happiness without rejecting her. Okay. Adding her out of your

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life, but without being totally emotionally and mentally

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dependent on her. It is a really tough situation to be in, I

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understand this. But it is a situation that will make you

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feel so good about yourself. Once you reach balance, once you

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are standing on your own to feed, and make the decisions for

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yourself, that are good for you. And you will see your

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relationships will change, your sense of self will change, it is

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no longer dependent on how your mother feels is she having a bad

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day, or then you have to be a servant, and you have to be

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accommodating and appeasing. And maybe even the clown know, the

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way your mom feels is her responsibility. And she has to

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seek help from other people, you can help her to find other

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people. And you can set boundaries in a very gentle way.

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Right, you don't have to go see her now and throw everything at

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her head that I just told you, you can do it in a very gentle

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and graceful way. And slowly remove yourself over time out of

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that situation. Another very important point, because now I

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just talked about your happiness and dependency is that your mom,

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as soon as you remove yourself a little bit, your mom will have

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to reach out to other people and be responsible of her health.

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And usually, people get healthier, they don't totally

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heal, some do. But they get healthier because all of a

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sudden, they are fully responsible for themselves. They

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reach out to other people who are not going to fall into the

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codependency game. And again, to make space for novelty

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themselves. Because if you keep watering your neighbor's garden,

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they will soon Leanback drink their cup of coffee and go about

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something else in their life and you will end up having to water

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to gardens. As soon as you remove your garden hose out of

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your neighbor's garden, your neighbor has to start watering

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his garden again. And your relationship can be healthy

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again, you don't feel resentful towards him because you're doing

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him a favor. And he's not really appreciated. And this is where

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I'm strongly certain my friends deep anger and resentment comes

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from because he can feel that there is an imbalance he can

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feel that he cannot take enough care of himself and his life and

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his future. And this is why there will be nasty fights,

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ongoing fights and then reconciliation and forgiveness.

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It's going to be like a cycle, a vicious cycle until he decides

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to take really good care of himself. I hope this all made

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sense. I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions,

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please reach out to me. Let's have a talk. If you have any

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requests for new episodes, shoot me a message. And don't forget,

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forget to give me a rating on Apple podcast. If you need a one

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on one meditation, or a little bit of a Aurora boost, you can

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sign up on my Patreon and we can have regular meetings maybe once

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a month where I check in with you and give you tools on how to

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unplug yourself from the situation you don't want to be

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in anymore. I'm sending my love out to you. I will be out there

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very soon again.