Ep. 28 Scary conversations and living your most authentic life [relationshipadvice]

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Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

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experience. I'm your host Aurora, life coach and companion

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on this beautiful journey called life. I hope you feel good, I

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hope you feel safe, inspired, motivated, fulfilled, hope you

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have a sense of self that is strong and confident. I hope you

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feel you're living your best life. And if you're not, I hope

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you can feel inspiration, I hope I'm able to create a space here

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where you can rest and reflect and recharge your batteries and

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feel fully yourself. This is what I'm here to do. This is

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what my vision is that I create these spaces for you. Soon also

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in the physical world, and in ways that yeah, I am very

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excited to imagine like retreats or coming up to your hometown

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and holding workshops where you can take a break from the

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busyness from the noise and come back to yourself, find out who

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you truly are, to then make your next step most authentic and

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impactful. I love seeing people getting unstuck and growing and

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making decisions that are in alignment with their true

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selves, because those people are most alive and most loving, not

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only with themselves, but also with the people around them. And

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the more people we have like this, the stronger and more

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resilient our society can become. As I announced last

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time, is that for now, I'm not going to have a strict schedule

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on when I post my episode, it used to be twice a week, on

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Mondays and Thursdays and I told you shared with you that I was

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going to go with my creative side and post an episode

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whenever the urge is strong. And I trust that, you know that I

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will show up that doesn't mean that I'm going to do less but

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more. But in a more authentic way. I used to shop on a regular

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schedule. And sometimes I felt I kind of forced myself abused

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myself to show up. And I'm fearful that my content wouldn't

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be as authentic anymore for you. If I was to continue on this

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path, and this why this is where I'm choosing this path No. And

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it took me some time to come up with that courage to communicate

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this to you. I was scared that you know I would receive

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resistance or even rejection you know that people would just say

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okay, well then what's the point? If there's no

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consistency, then why should we stick around? And I want to

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transfer those feelings and this experience into your life now

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and and ask you how authentic Are you? And how authentically

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Can you show up in your relationships and you don't have

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to be in a marriage in a committed relationship. But when

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it comes to your work when it comes to your co workers when it

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comes to your friends and family. Do you have kind of a

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rigid consistency Do you play as a specific role in your

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connections with others? And can we all step back for a moment

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and go into bird's perspective and feel how this all fields

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maybe you are a provider? Maybe you are a vibrant member of the

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community.

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Maybe you are the housewife? Maybe you are a committed lover.

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But you feel your needs are not really getting met.

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So when we make the time when we have the courage to sit in

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silence, and to reflect about our role, and we then realize,

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shit. This doesn't feel like me at all. I'm in this role now.

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And everybody is, you know, everything functions. But I

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don't feel a centac I don't feel good about it anymore. What if I

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started moving into a more authentic direction, then

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everything around me has to shift as well. And I want to

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share with you what I dreamt last night, it was a dream about

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doors. In a hostel, it wasn't quite a motel nada hotel, it was

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a hostel. And there were people that I knew and people I didn't

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know. And I kept visiting people and their rooms or gotten

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invited. And whenever I opened a door, and then closed it behind

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me, it would change. Whenever I decided to go to the next room,

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I opened a door, and sometimes it wouldn't lead me to this next

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room, it would lead me to another room. And once I closed

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that door, again, it would change. And I feel that

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sometimes we feel like that person and my dream, maybe it

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was me, it certainly felt like it that we take a decision to go

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somewhere. And then we're surprised that it looks

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differently than we anticipated. When we feel we need to change

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the room, we need to change a situation. And we are scared of

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making a move. We're also scared of having these conversations.

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Sometimes we we decide to not do anything at all, we decide to

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stay kind of stuck and paralyzed. And maybe we work

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more, maybe we eat more, maybe we try to numb more because now

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it's even more painful to stay in that situation. Because we

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became aware that there is a change that needs to happen. But

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we're so terrified of the consequences. And then those

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conversations that we need to have I pretty scary, right?

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Because all of a sudden you tell your partner, you tell your

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coworker, you tell your boss, hey, actually, this role that

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I'm playing day in day out, doesn't fit me anymore, I

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outgrew it, I need something else, I don't feel fulfilled, I

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don't feel that I can change in a way that is authentic to me.

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And at the same time is good for you. And you'll be surprised how

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people react. We always think of the worst case like we always

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get really anxious. And again, sometimes we decide to not have

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these conversations at all. Sometimes we just leave without

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any conversation happening, just the basics, like oh, I don't

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want this anymore, I'm out. But sometimes when we we start

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having that conversation, there's so much tension and

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nervousness that we forget that the other person might feel the

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same. And by showing up so courageously and so vulnerable

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at the same time as an authentic, you open up a stage

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for the other person to be the same as well. And maybe they

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didn't make the time yet to think about the same things and

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reflect but maybe they did secretly and you just didn't see

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it. And he made assumptions about that other person's

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feelings and thoughts. And now all of a sudden you step into

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this stage I want to call it what you open up and share.

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And the other person does the same. You might also face a

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brutal fucked up ego reaction right where they're like why you

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just You know, you're just having a midlife crisis. And

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it's gonna change tomorrow when you're on your period again, or

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it's going to change once you go back to your soccer practice and

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have more routine, whatever it is, the other person can have a

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very fearful reaction, but it should not disturb you. It

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should not distract you from the message that you want to get

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across. And then again, sometimes, in the moment, they

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might realize shit, yeah, that feels pretty authentic to me,

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too. I need a change as well. I don't want to be the home alone,

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mommy, and you're out and about and providing for us and, you

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know, running around to make sure everything is fine. I want

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to contribute to I want to go get a job and fulfill my dreams.

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And maybe you want to stay a little bit more at home, and

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balance it out. Whatever it is, right? The most important thing

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is that when you start expressing yourself

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authentically, and then taking steps towards that feeling, you

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will feel better. And things will align for you. And the

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people that are meant to be in your life will stick even more

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closely to you. And the people who are not in alignment with

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that will be pushed to the side a little bit. But that's okay.

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Because you open up new doors for them as well. Yes, maybe

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they go find a different partner than maybe it's your boss. And

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he will say, well, sorry, then I gotta let you go. Because that's

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not in alignment with our company. But so be it. Do you

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want to lay on your deathbed one day? And tell yourself? Oh,

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yeah, well, I always made sure that everybody around me was

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happy. And I played kind of small I expressed myself but I

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it was more important for me to keep peace with others than

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anything else. Trust me that if you don't follow this path of

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authenticity and real expression, real authentic

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action, L E to up from the inside, and you will never feel

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peace inside because it will nag at you so much. And don't get me

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wrong if you are the home alone. Or not home alone. But if you

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are the person who sees fulfilment in a certain role,

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and feels good with it, but for an outsider, it looks totally

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boring. That doesn't matter. That's not what I mean. It is

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what is true to you. So I invite you to ask you is the role

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you're playing in your friend's life and your partner's life and

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your family's life and your co workers and companies live? Is

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that what feels most authentic to you? Or do you need to have

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these scary conversations? Let's call them and labeling them

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scary and negatively already. But I want to be crystal clear

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that yes, they're going to be uncomfortable. But I want you to

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see and feel that sometimes choosing discomfort over in

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authenticity is so worth it. And maybe you have to have that

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conversation with yourself first.

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Maybe you have to realize shit. The life I'm living right now is

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built on coping mechanisms on fear. I'm not showing up for

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myself because I don't have the self worth. I don't believe in

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myself. Well, then we got to start there and my sweetheart

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then we have to start take out whatever it is that makes you

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feel unworthy of living a purposeful, authentic life. And

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we'll start by finding out who you truly are. Because you don't

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need to make drastic changes in the outside world. If you're not

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sure who you are. Your discomfort is the biggest push

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foot Change already. But we don't have to throw everything

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out the window already. We have to first find out what is it

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that you need? What is the discomfort? And how can we make

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you feel authentic within yourself. And sometimes once you

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start doing that work, your outside world adapts

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automatically. And then you don't even have to have these

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big conversations because by the way you live and speak and are,

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things will fall off. Decisions will fall off your shoulders,

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and doors will be opening up. So that's another very important

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thing I want to mention here that right sometimes you gotta

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go drastically and you got to have these conversations and

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meet huge discomfort and ego reactions. But if you're too

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fearful of that, if if you feel the obstacles are too big, start

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small with baby steps and start from within, rebuild yourself

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from within, build a backbone, live from the bone live from the

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inside out. And be radically honest with yourself. And then

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things will adapt around you. It really works. And if you want to

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talk more about it with me, please never hold back to reach

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out. Also, this is a donation driven podcast. If you want to

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make sure that this podcast stays alive there then please

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don't hesitate of sending me a little token of appreciation

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here that goes right back into the podcast expenses. Event the

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link in the show notes. And yeah, I will be out there for

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you very soon again, in my most authentic way possible. I love

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you lots. I appreciate you. I respect you so much. Until next