Ep.23 Are you allowed to say no? [setting boundaries]

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Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

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experience. I'm your host Aurora. And I'm very happy to be

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spending some time with you today again, last time, we

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talked about what it means to be a good friend.

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I said listening is one of the most important things to keep in

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mind. And being aware of what kind of vibe energy you are

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sending out. Because sometimes, especially if we're not in our

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teens anymore, if we are in our 20s, or 30s, we went through

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some stuff. And sometimes it happens that we project things

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onto people. And in doing so, distorting reality, and not

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giving the other person a real chance to show up as who they

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are. And that makes it very difficult in relationships in

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general, not in friendships only.

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So today, I want to talk about boundaries, boundaries, I found

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out for myself after a very, very much time, many, many

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years.

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Being able to set boundaries in friendships, relationships, and

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your family.

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Being able to respect boundaries from others, is so so critical

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when interacting with people, and then also how we express our

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needs, what are our needs? And how do we get our needs met? is

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also a very interesting thing to look at. So let's start with

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boundaries. Where is your limit? Where do you tell people to eff

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off?

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Where do you draw the line? When do you need time to recharge

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your batteries? Or are you are an endless source of energy and

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never tired out? Never in a shitty mood, never resentful, or

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such?

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If that's the case, I don't believe you. Because we all have

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our limits. And I feel a lot of people struggle with finding out

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what their limits are with themselves. And then what the

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limits are with other people. So when do we start expressing

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boundaries? I feel that it starts very, very early on

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already. But it depends sensitively on your caregivers.

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How you

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when you were very little and started showing character

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traits, how you were treated when you did. So let's take an

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example. You didn't want to go to bed at six o'clock, you

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wanted to stay up with the adults. And your caregiver tells

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you no, this is not okay, you have to go to bed early tonight.

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And this is what's going to happen. So you either throw a

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tantrum or you accept it, you understand that and that's it.

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So that's when the caregiver has your best interest in mind and

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for you it feels kind of boring and bad but you actually see the

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sense then and then submit kind of thing. And then there is my

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favorite example Auntie comes over for a visit and it is a

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habit in your family that you kiss each other on the cheeks to

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say hi but you don't feel like it. You want to shake the hand

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or just say hi from a distance and your caregiver kind of guilt

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you into giving that onto that kiss. So what happens then in

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your mind is that you're not allowed to say no. And it is

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very sensitive especially for girls but also for boys when it

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comes to physical touch. That if they learn early on that

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They have no voice and have to just please the other party,

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then you can see maybe already from the outside, it can be

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grounds for a trouble some relationship with yourself and

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where to where to draw the line, when to say no is going to be

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very difficult for you. So those were just very simplified

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examples of where you can see, in one case, drawing the

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boundaries, sending you to bed early is kind of annoying, but

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it is okay, you will maybe in the future have the habit to

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care about your good sleep. And the second example is about

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having your boundary

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violated, let's say, for the benefit of harmony or someone

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else.

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So if you look at your childhood, how did your

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caregivers react to you setting boundaries, your siblings, your

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friends? And how do you set boundaries today? Can you see

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parallels? Was there a significant event that happened?

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Where you kind of had to fight to set a boundary or there was a

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big fight because you set a boundary

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in relationships, friendships, and your family

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romantic relationships and even with acquaintances, I can see a

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lot of times that people are totally rundown and drained at

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the end of the day, because they were not able to communicate

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clearly what their boundaries were.

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And people have very, very different ways of reacting to

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about two boundaries can be impatience, like plain anger in

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your face, it can be very subtle, passive aggressiveness,

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or condescending comments. And there can also be very positive

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reaction. So very respectful and caring, and maybe even curious,

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when the person can't quite relate to your boundary, but

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wants to respect it. And those experiences are the ones where

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you can actually see, oh, my God, that person wants to get to

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know me, that person cares about me. And that's also when we

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become softer with our boundaries. There's people who,

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when they get to know another person, sometimes have very

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strict boundaries. And the better they know the person, the

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more they trust, the softer they get with their boundaries. And

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with people who have no boundaries at all. And they

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enter relationships, it is very difficult to kind of

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go back, and then set boundaries because the other person might

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not understand

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what happened and feels pushed away.

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And that can in turn, like trigger huge reactions of

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like fear of abandonment and resentment. And then you

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are kind of convinced that sending setting boundaries is a

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bad idea anyways, so that last part was for people who have

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very soft boundaries from the get go, and then all of a

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sudden, a couple months and feel like oh, shit, actually, I need

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more time for myself or I don't want to hang out that much. I

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love that person. But I need different things. So you can

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maybe see again, from the outside, it's it's obvious, but

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when you're in it, it's very different when you start out

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with setting your boundaries, so let's say there's a person in

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your family that always repeats him or herself or they always

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bring up the same story about you and your childhood that

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makes you feel really small and shitty.

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And now next Christmas, you decide to bang on the table and

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just tell them to fuck off. That of course it's not going to work

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and as for me still the hardest to

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when something comes up that I don't want in my life anymore.

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How do I express express it? How do I communicate it in a way

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that the person can

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not lose their

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To face and react in a way that is appropriate. And then saying

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that I must say you can never react influenced the reaction of

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a person, it is really up to them, then. So let's take that

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family dinner, that relative does the thing that annoys you

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so much. And now you want to set a boundary,

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you can just keep it like very low key and say, maybe in person

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one on one, this really doesn't make me feel good. I don't like

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when you do that. Or in front of other people, I would kind of

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not suggest to address it. So as you see, it's, it's a difficult

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thing

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to get started and you should start small. But once once you

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get started and communicate your

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boundaries, people will behave differently around you and even

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respect you more or totally vanish out of your life. That

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can happen too because some people are not good receiving.

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Like boundaries and rules on how to treat you.

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You don't want to get rid of relationship, you want to alter

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them, change them. And that can sometimes let you sit in

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awkwardness and I can just recommend if you can commute,

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communicate them

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in a kind way and the situation is still awkward. Stick to your

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guns and trust that it's going to be received at some point and

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if not that personal was not meant to be in your life. So how

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is it when you receive receive boundary setting from another

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person? Can you respect it or do you feel rejected and bad?

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Have a look at it over the next couple of days. And when you see

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that there is emotions coming up fear coming up. Just think about

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my my little episode here and I think it might greatly help you.

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We will talk about this way more in the future. Thank you so much

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for listening to me today and take really good care of

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yourself. This was the Borealis experience. Sending my love out

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there. My name is Aurora bye bye