Ep. 22 Have all your needs met [radical self care ]

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No

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and welcome to the Borealis experience. I'm your host

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Aurora, life coach and companion on this beautiful journey called

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life. I hope you're doing well I hope you feel safe. I hope you

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enjoy yourself, I hope you feel good and your skin, I hope you

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have good support around you. And that life just is flowing

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easily. lightness is what I wish for you. If you don't feel

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yourself if you feel stuck, if you don't feel good, I sure hope

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that I can bring you love and inspiration, motivation. Most

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importantly, understanding, I hope that the people I talk to

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feel understood by me, that's my utmost core values. So to say, I

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really love to know that people feel seen and heard. So if

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there's anything you would like to request for future episodes,

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if you are on the fence of asking for a coach session, or

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wanting to stay in a loop of vicious circles. I can convince

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you, it is up to you. It has nothing to do with readiness,

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your ego will never be ready for coaching because your ego wants

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you to stay in the old patterns. It is your heart that has to

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long for a change. And with this desire, you messaged me and then

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we set up a sync call sync up call where you tell me how I

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could help you, I tell you how I could help you and we find out

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how long and which kind of path we're going to walk together. So

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all this to say, let's dive into today's episode, I have two

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snoring dogs next to me, and it's very hot out there. And

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they feel very comfortable in the cool house. And I do too.

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I'm happy I can make some time for this episode and spend some

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time with you and also for myself to rest and recharge my

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batteries and reflect a little bit. Recently, I think a lot

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about needs having your needs met. And this is why I want to

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talk about it today. In the last couple of episodes, I talked

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about your worth how your worth can't be touched by anything.

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And before that I talked about how to get a grip on your

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nervousness, anxiety how to feel more yourself again. So I would

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highly recommend that you go back to these episodes if you

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haven't listened to them yet. This podcast is kind of a build

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up. So you start with season one and work your way through season

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23456. Now seven, and you will feel gradual growth, gradual

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insights and you will hopefully that's my mission and my vision.

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Get to know yourself on a way deeper level than you knew

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yourself before you started my podcast. So having all your

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needs met. How can I say that? I'm pretty certain that you can

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have all your needs met. You might think Ah wow, I got weird

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needs. I got so many needs or I got a few needs but they're very

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special and nobody's out there to fulfill these needs.

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What I learned along my journey is first of all you have to have

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your own back.

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You got to be a detective and find out if your needs that you

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have come from Place of genuine authenticity. Yeah, if you

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fulfill that need, it is truly to be yourself become more

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yourself or nurturing your soul and your heart. Don't worry, I'm

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not going to keep talking. So spiritually, I'm going to go

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right to the meat. But for now, let's put it that way. Or if

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your needs are slight addiction are a coping mechanism, residues

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from trauma, maybe from a breakup, maybe from a loss,

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maybe from something that has happened in your teens during

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your childhood. And you feel that this need, like, the more

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you cling to a need, the more chances there are that this need

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is not healthy, that something needs to be healed. In order for

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you to let go of this need, like people really develop not only

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like physical ailments, but also tics and habits that they cling

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on to after a traumatic event. And I want to make very clear

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that a traumatic event doesn't always mean that you're involved

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in a car crash and all your siblings, your whole family

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dies, a traumatic event could have been back then when your

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mommy dropped you off as a four year old in kindergarten. And

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all of a sudden, you were in a new environment with strangers

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left alone. And no matter how your nervous system reacts, you

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might readily register it sorry, as a traumatic event or as

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something exciting. People are very different children are very

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different. Our nervous system is very unique to ourselves. So

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trauma is also very unique. My trauma might have never touched

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you in any way. And your trauma and your coping mechanisms can

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be totally Yeah, hard for me to understand how you can suffer

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from something that is not really important to me. Yet, we

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have to have that empathy, to understand that people are wired

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very differently, even our siblings. So going back to your

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needs, is your need genuine, authentic to your blueprint, or

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is it a coping mechanism? Right, I hear sometimes from my clients

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when they enter the sessions as a couple. The one person is

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saying, Well, yeah, well, I would like to have sex 10 times

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a week. But my partner is not into it, we only have six, two

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times a month. And I don't really like this, I need

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something else. So the person might have either totally

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healthy sex drive, or might be struggling not struggling in

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this case, but might be dealing with a sex addiction, and is

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putting the pressure of having his or her needs met on to his

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partner, her partner. So in this case, we would have to go back

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and find out okay, where does that strong sex drive come from?

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Is this your natural self? Or are you overcompensating for

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something and your partner's suffering because you make them

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feel not enough the whole time. And of course, your partner is

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going to start avoid you and run away from you because you're

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demanding something that they can't fulfill. And nobody wants

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to be in a relationship like that. I'm going to stop right

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here because relationship coaching is a way different

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topic. But I hope you get my drift, that some needs are

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simply not natural,

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and are way too much for another person to fulfill. In a

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relationship. We're not in a dependency but in an

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interdependent relationship where we need each other, but we

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can't abuse each other to fulfill each other's needs. We

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have to be very conscious about who we are Once again, the

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better you know yourself, the healthier relationships you will

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have, because then you will exactly know, shit. I'm dealing

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with a sex addiction. And I have to be careful to not overwhelm

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my partner, I have to find a way to heal, and to set expectations

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that are healthy towards myself and towards others. So first

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thing you look at your needs. Second thing, once you've done

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the detective game, you need to look at how you can fulfill your

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own needs. And now please Don't roll your eyes. Because I did

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that for probably a decade or longer. I thought, I just can't

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fulfill my needs, I need other people. I need friendship, I

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need relationship, I need romance. Otherwise, I don't feel

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I exist, and especially my needs, they can't get fulfilled.

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If I'm not in a strong connection with a person. What I

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was doing there was not only under estimating how much I

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could meet my own needs, but also putting the people in my

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life under pressure to always having to fit my needs, and

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otherwise was guilt trip them or make them feel shitty about not

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being a good friend. How horrible is that? Yeah, I feel

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lots of shame for this. Until I found out, damn, I gotta heal, I

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gotta, you know, I'm clinging too much to people, I need to be

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okay with being alone. I need to start meeting and fulfilling my

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own needs. And it is very much possible. If you start with your

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body, first, your body needs sleep. Most importantly, if you

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don't get enough sleep, please go see a therapist, a doctor

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asked me questions. Sleep is so incredibly essential. Next, you

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need water, you need food, you need shelter, you need to feel

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safe and good in your environment. And if up until now

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you realize shit, I'm not not even fulfilling those basics,

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you have to start there. Because your body will keep signaling

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you that you're not doing enough and that you are not imbalanced,

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not healthy. And this will deeply affect your mind. We go

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further into your relationships. Do you feel supported? Do you

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feel seem to you feel heard? Do you feel understood? Do you have

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friends that you can have fun with but also talk? Real talk?

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Are you close to your family? Did you make peace with your

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family? Or are you running around escaping from family

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events? And feeling like there is a huge hole inside of you?

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Because nothing really could replace your family so far? So

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do you need to work on forgiveness? And then we go

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further into your job your workplace because you spend so

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much more time at work then sometimes with your family and

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friends? How satisfied are you there? Are you chasing and

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pursuing your purpose your dreams? Or are you just getting

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the job done for a paycheck? Right? The more we have our

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basic needs met and feel good in our life. The less we need,

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right we need so much. We need distractions. We need fancy food

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we need junk food, we need alcohol, cigarettes drugs, when

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we are not satisfied, but the more we are satisfied the less

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we need, the better companions we are as well. So going back to

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the list, we were stuck at your workplace.

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How do you feel in your city in the talent? Do you feel

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connected? Do you feel a sense of belonging and if you're not

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we need to work on this. Because if there is a big hole, you know

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like in a Swiss cheese you can only have so many holes and if

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you have too many holes, it's just too painful. So we have to

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fill the holes from the bottom up. Your Foundation has to be

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strong And then you will see that you will get less needy,

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that you can meet your own needs. And it is from that

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place, that you can be this awesome radiant person who

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attracts people that are awesome and radiant and loving and

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giving. And situations that are just so expansive and awesome.

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But you have to do the work first, there's no way around,

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and you cannot run around and expect from your friends to fill

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your holes because they have their own holes to fill, it is

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not their job, they were not born to fulfill your needs, you

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can fulfill them first. And once you know who you truly are, you

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will meet a person if this is what you want. And then comes

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the third part, the communication, you will learn

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how to be extremely confident in communicating your needs. And

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the person in front of you will know shit, that person is

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serious. This is what he needs. This is what he wants from a

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relationship. Right? You will not be in a position anymore,

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where you like, Oh, thank God, this person is dating me and

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hanging out with me. Because I hate hanging out with myself

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anyways, I want to be distracted by another person and I want to

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be serving a person I want to be a provider. Nobody wants to fill

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that hole, it's too much. People are gonna keep running away,

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ghosting you, you will not be able to make sense of why people

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are rejecting you. Because you are too much. And I'm really

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scared of saying this because I know some of you might be

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listening and already feeling. I'm too much my problems are too

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big. I'm not enough, I suck. I don't find my place in society.

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But please understand that if you sit with yourself and become

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really radically honest with the stuff that you keep carrying

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around or running away from the stuff that still makes you sad

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that you can't let go off that this is what makes you feel not

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enough. It is not the people around you. It is not the

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constant situations that you run into when you feel at the end of

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the day, everybody rejects you and nobody wants you just

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because you haven't done the work on yourself. And at the

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same time, isn't that so beautiful that you don't need

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any drugs, you don't need anything outside of you not even

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for sex, we haven't talked about sexual needs, you don't need

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another person to have your sexual needs met. I want to go

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so far that you don't even need porn, you have your own

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imagination, you have chances are two hands 10 fingers, if

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it's nine fingers, eight fingers are just five, you could still

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use them wisely when it comes to pleasure. And you can learn to

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pleasure and appreciate yourself on a level that no one ever did

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before. Because you didn't allow them maybe or maybe they were

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just not the right fit. You have to give it to yourself first.

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And then you can go out there and share with other people from

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a place of

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self reliance when you don't need the other person but you

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appreciate the other person. And this is how people are gonna

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stick to you when they know that and that they're not fulfilling

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some kind of weird role. But that they there because you just

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love their companionship so much. And you learn from them.

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You listen to them, and you're just excited to be around them.

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And it is not some weird notion of I have to rescue that other

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person. I have to feel like a provider because otherwise I

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feel useless. No, you can't do this. You have to meet the

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person on neutral grounds and then explore from there, which

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kind of roles you both are interested to play. And during a

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relationship that can also change. You just talk about it

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your ex pressive about it. You notice things and then you talk

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it out. All right, I'm gonna leave you with this. That was a

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lot. I got really passionate. I love to get passionate with you

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because I care so much about you. I care so much about people

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looking at themselves and seeing the mess they're sitting in and

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then sorting through it decluttering and becoming clear

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and radically honest with themselves. That's the most

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beautiful thing for me to witness. So I'm going to leave

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you with this. As you know, this is a donation driven podcast,

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there's a link called buy me a coffee in the show notes. If you

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have a couple seconds, please click that button and get me a

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cup of coffees for me to keep this podcast sustainable. Of

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course, I'm not going to buy myself coffees that money goes

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right back into this podcast. And yeah, I'm very excited to

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connect with you connect with me on Facebook or Instagram, Aurora

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coaching or simply Aurora Eggert and I will be out there for you

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very soon again, I show up for you calm constantly. And I'm so

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excited about all the feedback I received. You guys are awesome.

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I appreciate you and I'm so grateful to be on this path with

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you. take really good care. Bye bye