Ep.21 Heartbreak- Did you heal from it or are you still silently suffering? [self-care]

Unknown: 00:00:00

Hello, and welcome to the Borealis experience. I'm

Unknown: 00:00:04

your host Aurora, and I'm very happy to be spending some time

Unknown: 00:00:08

with you today. Today's episode,

Unknown: 00:00:15

heart break.

Unknown: 00:00:17

Have you truly healed from your heartbreak? Yesterday, I was

Unknown: 00:00:27

sitting in my truck, trying to figure something out with my

Unknown: 00:00:32

phone.

Unknown: 00:00:35

And from afar I saw our little neighbor's girl walking towards

Unknown: 00:00:41

me and I just waved to her through the window and she waved

Unknown: 00:00:46

and I look back down onto my phone. And then a couple of

Unknown: 00:00:52

seconds later, my door swings open. And I love a girl shouts

Unknown: 00:00:59

at me. Hello, how

Unknown: 00:01:01

have you been?

Unknown: 00:01:04

And in that moment, I just thought, wow, like I was clearly

Unknown: 00:01:11

communicating with my body that I was being friendly but

Unknown: 00:01:17

distant, not wanting to really connect. And that slow girl just

Unknown: 00:01:26

made her way through my invisible boundary, swung my

Unknown: 00:01:32

door open and just totally surprised me. Now this little

Unknown: 00:01:39

girl is approximately 10 years old, 11 years old and glowing

Unknown: 00:01:45

eyes and so friendly, like running around with an open

Unknown: 00:01:50

heart at all times. And after we had like a 15 minute chat. I

Unknown: 00:01:59

left driving off and I thought to myself wow this girl hasn't

Unknown: 00:02:08

been through a heartbreak yet. This girl hasn't been through

Unknown: 00:02:14

really tough situations yet. And now you can say yeah, there's

Unknown: 00:02:19

some girls who go through that and still have that pretty smile

Unknown: 00:02:23

on but with this girl I I know that she's never been through

Unknown: 00:02:30

massive pain. And it really made me think on how she approached

Unknown: 00:02:36

me how open hearted she was and friendly and wanting to connect.

Unknown: 00:02:44

And it reminded me of myself when I was at age. And yeah, a

Unknown: 00:02:52

couple of heartbreaks later, I noticed that I love people. I

Unknown: 00:03:00

love connecting. But at times I still have these walls around my

Unknown: 00:03:06

heart. My heart can be very open and joyous and light. But

Unknown: 00:03:15

there's times when I know my heart is totally clogged up with

Unknown: 00:03:22

regret, resentment, fear. And it takes

Unknown: 00:03:29

a lot of

Unknown: 00:03:31

being aware running a walk or sorry, running around mindful

Unknown: 00:03:37

and listening to my thoughts and feelings to then open up my

Unknown: 00:03:43

heart again. Today's episode is not only for people who recently

Unknown: 00:03:54

got heartbroken, got the heartbroken got dumped. It's to

Unknown: 00:04:01

all the people out there who ever been through a heartbreak

Unknown: 00:04:06

to check in with themselves and find out. Am I maybe still

Unknown: 00:04:15

clinging on to pain from a decade ago or 20 years ago? Am I

Unknown: 00:04:21

fully open and available and friendly and kind and hopeful?

Unknown: 00:04:32

feel less courageous or am I still in subtle ways? clinging

Unknown: 00:04:42

to that pain. That pain from back then that totally shaped my

Unknown: 00:04:50

mind about what love is all about and the consequences I

Unknown: 00:04:57

suffered and the cook fusions I've made ever since. So, I

Unknown: 00:05:06

think I want to call it an inventory check of the heart.

Unknown: 00:05:13

And it really doesn't matter if you're married and have kids,

Unknown: 00:05:19

and feel like, yeah, everything is perfect. It doesn't hurt to

Unknown: 00:05:26

go back and check in with yourself, Am I living being my

Unknown: 00:05:32

best self? Am I trustworthy? Am I trusting others fully? You

Unknown: 00:05:44

see, the thing with heartbreak is that we make it all about

Unknown: 00:05:49

ourselves.

Unknown: 00:05:52

We

Unknown: 00:05:54

go into birds perspective and try to find out what did we do

Unknown: 00:05:59

wrong?

Unknown: 00:06:02

Did we not listen enough? Did we not perform good enough and bad?

Unknown: 00:06:11

Did we not get along good enough with the parents and law or the

Unknown: 00:06:17

siblings or the friends? And it all doesn't matter? No. It's,

Unknown: 00:06:30

it's done. Now, you know, you can reflect about these things.

Unknown: 00:06:36

You can be aware of certain behavior. But I think you had

Unknown: 00:06:42

your reasons to. Like, I think we tend to put ourselves into a

Unknown: 00:06:51

victim position, or maybe even a perpetrator position and can

Unknown: 00:06:58

really find peace. I've gone through many, many heartbreaks,

Unknown: 00:07:06

and the biggest I want to say was in 2014, I had moved to a

Unknown: 00:07:15

different country to be with my boyfriend at that time. And

Unknown: 00:07:20

after a couple months, it was just fights and very nasty

Unknown: 00:07:25

between us. So I had to pack my things and move away. And it

Unknown: 00:07:32

took me years and years and years to heal from that pain.

Unknown: 00:07:40

Which doesn't mean that for you now it's gonna take years and

Unknown: 00:07:43

years and years. But what I invite you to do right now is to

Unknown: 00:07:50

focus in on yourself and to re totally honest with yourself on

Unknown: 00:07:57

how authentic you showed up in that relationship. Maybe you

Unknown: 00:08:04

broad past pain, pain from your childhood, into that

Unknown: 00:08:10

relationship, and you were not able to communicate clearly feel

Unknown: 00:08:16

good about who you are. Feel confident about who you are,

Unknown: 00:08:23

maybe you're still struggling was so many insecurities. And it

Unknown: 00:08:27

was burden the relationship. I really don't know what it was

Unknown: 00:08:34

that made her or him run away or made you guys broke break up.

Unknown: 00:08:42

When you look at your childhood, what are the examples of love

Unknown: 00:08:48

that you observed and experienced? In my instance, I

Unknown: 00:08:54

can say they were very well functioning on a societal level.

Unknown: 00:09:02

They were well functioning when it comes to financial needs. And

Unknown: 00:09:06

I always had shelter and clean clothing and also food to eat.

Unknown: 00:09:14

But on an emotional level. They didn't understand each other,

Unknown: 00:09:19

they were too different. My dad is someone who loves heated

Unknown: 00:09:24

discussions and loves to have kind of that friction with his

Unknown: 00:09:29

partner. And my mom was always more scared and avoidant of that

Unknown: 00:09:36

behavior and couldn't clearly communicate her boundaries. And

Unknown: 00:09:41

it was just on an emotional level. It was a huge mess. Which

Unknown: 00:09:46

doesn't mean that I'm ungrateful. I have deep respect

Unknown: 00:09:49

for both of my parents. But when you being like very harshly

Unknown: 00:09:55

honest with yourself, what did you how Did you experience love?

Unknown: 00:10:02

How did you define a healthy relationships? And really

Unknown: 00:10:07

relationship? When you look at your chart? Is there things that

Unknown: 00:10:13

you carry around as a train as it's sadness? is an anger,

Unknown: 00:10:21

resentment that you might have brought into your last

Unknown: 00:10:25

relationship here? Do you distrust your partners, because

Unknown: 00:10:32

maybe someone in the past has cheated on you or your parents

Unknown: 00:10:38

cheated on each other.

Unknown: 00:10:42

So no matter what it is, no matter what your luggage is,

Unknown: 00:10:46

when you look back, you have to now focus on liberating yourself

Unknown: 00:10:54

from that. Because if you want to live a fulfilled and content

Unknown: 00:10:59

life with yourself, this is the work you have to do for

Unknown: 00:11:05

yourself. And it is only then that you will attract a person

Unknown: 00:11:10

into your life that is really meant to be with you. You know,

Unknown: 00:11:16

when I saw that little girl yesterday, I just said My

Unknown: 00:11:19

goodness, like she's not wearing any masks. She's totally

Unknown: 00:11:25

herself. She thinks she's the beautifulest girl that there is,

Unknown: 00:11:31

and she truly is because that's what she's radiating. And she's

Unknown: 00:11:37

just very light and smart and awesome to be around. Can we get

Unknown: 00:11:44

back to that self? I'm 120% sure we can. We just have to help

Unknown: 00:11:52

ourselves to on dig ourselves, again, from all the mess from

Unknown: 00:11:57

all the masks that we feel we have to wear. Because we're

Unknown: 00:12:03

still not in full acceptance of ourselves. We might have been

Unknown: 00:12:08

bullied at school back then, we might have had experiences where

Unknown: 00:12:14

we felt deep shame and rejection towards ourselves. But if you

Unknown: 00:12:20

carry this into our loving, romantic relationship, it will

Unknown: 00:12:27

show at some point you will either be super jealous, super

Unknown: 00:12:32

insecure, or super guarded. And people who are trying to be with

Unknown: 00:12:39

you will not be able to reach you. And the painful thing is

Unknown: 00:12:45

that sometimes they don't communicate that sometimes they

Unknown: 00:12:50

just react to your guard and reject you. Even though you want

Unknown: 00:12:58

to be close or annoy you with painful questions, because they

Unknown: 00:13:05

want to be close and then you reject them. It's a whole mess

Unknown: 00:13:11

when you're trying to be in a relationship with somebody, and

Unknown: 00:13:15

you're still wound that you will be bleeding all over that person

Unknown: 00:13:22

and your relationship. And all this without your awareness. So

Unknown: 00:13:28

this is why I feel so many people wake up one day and are

Unknown: 00:13:35

being left alone or being divorced. Because for them, it's

Unknown: 00:13:47

out of the blue. It is they can't make sense of the

Unknown: 00:13:52

separation, it was all normal. And then from one day to the

Unknown: 00:13:55

other, she packed her things and left. You were not aware of the

Unknown: 00:14:00

red flags of the little things that accumulated over time.

Unknown: 00:14:06

Because maybe you have a huge blind spot from back then that

Unknown: 00:14:13

you carried into your relationships. And the person

Unknown: 00:14:17

that is leaving you is just doing what is best for her or

Unknown: 00:14:22

himself. It has nothing to do with your worth. It has nothing

Unknown: 00:14:28

to do with you not being lovable. You are so endlessly

Unknown: 00:14:33

lovable and you are so worth it, to get to know yourself again,

Unknown: 00:14:40

and to be completely raw and honest with yourself again. It

Unknown: 00:14:47

is only then that we can live at peace with ourselves it is then

Unknown: 00:14:53

we can sometimes make sense of why a relationship broke up. It

Unknown: 00:14:59

is now by blaming the other person, and by blaming an entire

Unknown: 00:15:05

gender, and by going out now still wounded and trying to date

Unknown: 00:15:11

and getting more and more disappointed in the end,

Unknown: 00:15:16

it is all about going within and seeing what still needs to be

Unknown: 00:15:23

healed. What is it at the beginning of you guys

Unknown: 00:15:27

relationship that you were so successfully hiding from that

Unknown: 00:15:31

person that over the years came out bit by bit, and then they

Unknown: 00:15:38

didn't like what they were seeing. Because you were putting

Unknown: 00:15:41

on a show, you were not being authentic. So the person doesn't

Unknown: 00:15:46

really know who you are, and the end. And sometimes when it comes

Unknown: 00:15:52

to jealousy and depression, insecurities in general, we very

Unknown: 00:16:03

successfully hide this from our partners at the beginning. And

Unknown: 00:16:08

we think that in putting a lid on and suppressing it and

Unknown: 00:16:12

pushing it away, it will go away. But those things want to

Unknown: 00:16:18

be addressed deeply and have to be spoken out. I remember I

Unknown: 00:16:28

record that episode for you about shame, and how when we

Unknown: 00:16:32

express what we're deeply ashamed us about ourselves to

Unknown: 00:16:37

our partners, how we can create deep intimacy. The same goes

Unknown: 00:16:44

with your wounded parts, with your stuff that you need to deal

Unknown: 00:16:52

with. Once you are aware of that stuff, you can go out there and

Unknown: 00:16:57

communicate this to people. And sometimes people are willing to

Unknown: 00:17:02

go that path with you, and heal together with you because they

Unknown: 00:17:07

can relate to your story. And sometimes you will find yourself

Unknown: 00:17:13

all by yourself. And this is okay too. This only means that

Unknown: 00:17:19

you want to learn to be sufficient enough and totally

Unknown: 00:17:26

independent. Maybe you've only learned to exist in a

Unknown: 00:17:32

partnership in a family dynamic. Maybe it is time now to realize

Unknown: 00:17:38

that you are so endlessly precious, so worthy. You are

Unknown: 00:17:44

enough and so strong, that you can allow yourself to be

Unknown: 00:17:50

independent, and to make your own little experiences here and

Unknown: 00:17:55

there. I hope I can bring you resolution and healing. I would

Unknown: 00:18:02

love to hear your thoughts. I would love you to message me on

Unknown: 00:18:07

Facebook or on Instagram and share your pain and what you're

Unknown: 00:18:12

going through right now or what you had to go through in the

Unknown: 00:18:16

past or what do you still feel you need to healed make sure you

Unknown: 00:18:22

subscribe to my Youtube channel and to my podcast here on Apple

Unknown: 00:18:27

podcast. And if I was able to touch your heart and to provide

Unknown: 00:18:34

you healing, please leave me a review on Apple podcast it would

Unknown: 00:18:38

mean the world to me. And if you have any questions, shoot me a

Unknown: 00:18:44

message on Facebook always. And I will be out there very soon

Unknown: 00:18:48

again for you. And I will post more episodes about heartbreaks

Unknown: 00:18:54

because I feel it's very important to talk about it and

Unknown: 00:18:59

to once and for all heal and not run around with half broken

Unknown: 00:19:05

heart and keep being disappointed or keep hurting

Unknown: 00:19:09

other people. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for

Unknown: 00:19:14

listening to the Borealis experience here. I'm your host

Unknown: 00:19:18

Aurora and I will be back out there for you