Ep.20 No tears shed, when you can't feel/express sadness [emotional health]

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Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

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experience. I'm your host Aurora. I'm so happy to spending

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some time with you today. Last time it was Troy Vincent,

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hosting the show. And I really hope you enjoyed the interview.

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Today it is just you and me. I decided to talk about a topic

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that was requested over Facebook by a dear listener, I really

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appreciate your comment, every comment on Facebook every like

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of course, but the comments are so important because they truly

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show me who you are and what you're going through. And that

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way I can serve you and help you. We are herd animals,

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animals, we need each other. If you open up to the right person,

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you can really experience like magic and deep healing and deep

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connection. That's why I love my job so much. And my podcast

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here. If you feel like supporting my podcast, don't

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hold back, I put a link in the show notes. It's called buy me a

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coffee and there you can buy me a coffee. Or what also means a

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lot to me and helps this podcast is to leave a review on Apple

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podcast and a rating. Just a five star rating would be

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awesome. All right, I'm gonna leave my humbleness behind and

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dive into today's episode. Now. I want to call this one. No

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tears shed. So what my friend and listener explained to me

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shared with me is that several people, very important people in

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his life had passed. I think he said over the last 20 years he

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has lost his parents and other family members and people who

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were very close to him. And up until today, he could not shed a

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tear

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for them. Why is that? I'm gonna explore while I'm with you. On

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today's episode today what first came to mind is that I could

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totally relate.

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I could totally feel what he feels. Something happens. Where

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you've learned. Be it social media movies. Yeah, from other

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people. You are supposed to be sad. No, you are supposed to

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cry. And it just doesn't come, the sadness just doesn't come.

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You are more rational than others. You are a problem

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solver. You are a rock for other people, maybe even the provider

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of the family. And you just can't come up with the time. But

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it is more the space and the energy to just crumble and cry

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and be sad. What I've experienced then is that when

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others do I look down on them. Or I feel like Yeah, well, but

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how are you going to function in society now? How are you going

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to get up tomorrow and go back to work? How you going to be

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that provider that you need to be for your family. So it's not

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only looking at yourself and seeing that holy, I can't even

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cry but looking at others and seeing that they react very

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differently to you. Now what is normal? What is good? What is

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expected from you? What do you expect from yourself? I fear if

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we don't show these emotions, we beat ourselves up or we feel

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strange or we can't really make sense out of it because people

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around us obviously react differently. I also feel that

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when you are in a position where you have nobody next to you that

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you feel could hold space for you, then what is the point, if

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you're surrounded by people who need you, who need you to be

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strong, who need you to be the provider, who never like on a,

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you know, daily or weekly basis, really, truly ask you how you

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are doing. If you learn to not open up to these people, because

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they are so dependent on you, or they cannot hold space for you

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to show true emotions, then what's the point of opening up?

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I don't think it's a, you know, rational decision that we take,

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when we can't cry. When everybody around us would cry. I

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think it's a feeling of safety that we're lacking. We know that

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our feelings could not like we could not get the support we

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needed if we were to crumble. So we hold it all together, all

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tight. We don't allow anybody to come close. We put our heads

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down and become workaholics, or indulge in video games or

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cooking or porn or whatever it is that is out there that can

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distract us. We kind of stuffed that pain down. I really don't

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think and believe that you're lacking empathy and that you're

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not capable, to truly connect with a person and to truly love.

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If you did not cry at your parents funeral, I believe that

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you are a deeply sentient being. But you didn't find the space to

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express these feelings yet. You didn't give yourself sir. Sorry,

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you didn't give yourself that time. You were kind of in a rat

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race, and had to function more than to feel and go deep. And

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you know, that's not a bad thing. That's what our brain

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does. Our emotional body does. When we are in survival mode,

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kind of, you know, I think if we are in an environment, if we

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live a life, where you can express your feelings where you

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can just, you know, let it all out for a little bit period,

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just 90 seconds. Apparently, what we've learned the last

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episode and emotion last 90 seconds. Everything that goes

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beyond is your decision. But yeah, I believe if you have an

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environment where you know, you can talk about your feelings,

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then maybe you could have shed a tear and expressed yourself how

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you feel. I really hope I'm, I'm on it. I'm onto something here

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and I can't wait. I'm burning to hear the feedback from my

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listener to know if it was a help. I think we have to learn

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to surround ourselves with people where we can feel safe,

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where we can express ourselves and know that it's not only

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going to deepen our relationships with these people

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and make us feel safe, but it is also deeply healing for our

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bodies. Because imagine your body being a cup of water and

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the emotions that you go through and that you don't express. It's

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just like paint or salt or sand that you add to this cup of

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water. And the more that you stuffed into that cup of water,

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the less water is going to actually going to be there and

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the more stuff is going to clutter up and clog up your

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heart and your arteries and to stuff and your body stuff and

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your energy, right, you're going to be dense, you're going to be

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more aggressive, you're going to be more triggered, faster

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triggered if you hold these emotions in. And after

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suppressing your emotions like that, of course, it's not going

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to be easy to Yeah, just listen to one of auroras episodes, and

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then oh, you know, I'm gonna release them in a quiet and safe

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place. No, that's not how it goes. But for next time, when

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something happens, truly, like, Listen to your intuition and

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find out okay, do I have people around me that I could pour my

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heart out? was a deeply connected to that person that

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people are expecting me to cry for? Or was that relationship,

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not that good, because that's another point. If that person

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that passed away, is gone now and your life is better, then

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that's okay, too. You can make peace with that person, even

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after they passed, and still send them love and appreciation

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for all the good times. But if they're not truly missing in

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your life anymore, then that's alright. as well. You know, so

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many times we think that society is expecting us to function a

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certain way to react a certain way. And then if we don't, then

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Oh, my God, we are the weird person out. We have to beat

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ourselves up. Now we have to feel ashamed and guilty. Because

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we didn't react the way people wanted us to. Maybe you still

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hold deep resentment towards the people that passed, and this is

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why you were not able to cry. It is really important than to work

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it out with a coach or somebody that you trust, to let go of

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that resentment and to air out that energy. To have you express

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what hurts you most. And to reframe that story. And to know

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that, hey, that person is gone now. They're never going to be

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able to harm you again. And they worked outside of the norm or

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they hurt you. Beyond Yeah, incredible pain, and we can heal

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that. So explore what it is. Is it that people are not making

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you feel safe? Is it that you hold? deep resentment? Is it

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that your living situation is so tight? That you think if you

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were to express yourself, you couldn't function anymore, it

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would go so bad, it would go so deeply sideways, that you

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couldn't hold your job anymore, or be in a relationship anymore,

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or be a father or mother anymore. I'd love to explore

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this with you together. So if you hear this now and feel I'm

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talking to you, please send me a message and let me know what you

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think it is. And then we can explore further. I'd love to

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support you and love to find out with you what it's all about. Or

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Alright, I'm going to leave you with this and know that this is

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a safe place. You are a good person, you are a person with a

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growth mindset because you wouldn't be listening to my

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podcast, if you were not. So also be very grateful and

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appreciative and proud of yourself. Okay. I'll be back out

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there on Monday for you. In the meantime, connect with me over

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Facebook, add me on Facebook. I'm always curious to see where

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people come from listening to this podcast, sending my love

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out to you. Bye bye