Ep. 18 The split second you have before you react [self-awareness]

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Hello, Hello and welcome to the Borealis

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experience. I'm your host Aurora, life coach and companion

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on this beautiful journey called life.

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I'm so happy to be spending some time with you today. I hope you

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feel good. I hope you feel safe.

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I hope you feel understood and supported. And if you don't, I

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hope I can bring you some light ness and goodness into your

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life, hope and reflection and empowerment, all the good

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things. Today is a little bit of a different background noise

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than usual, no barking dogs, no lawnmowers, no quads, but I'm on

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the road, getting things done. And figured I don't want to skip

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out on an episode on posting my episode for you this week. So a

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little bit of rain and engine background noise for you today.

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The last couple of episodes, I talked about your anxiety, your

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nervousness, how to get a grip on the thoughts that trigger

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anxiety and how to make sure that you give your body

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everything it needs. So that the anxiety that nervousness is not

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actually coming from your body trying to signal you that it

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wants attention. It wants water, it wants sleep, it wants food,

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it wants touch. So you have to make sure that you fulfill all

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the needs of your body first, to then go deeper into your thought

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pattern. And sometimes we have thought patterns that really

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benefit us. Some people are really capable and strong when

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it comes to using their mind to their advantage. And for some of

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us, I belong to those people. It is difficult. The monkey mind

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just does what it does. It is taking over the steering wheel

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and kind of tries to control your life with belief systems

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that are not serving you 100% anymore, or sometimes even

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really destructive. It make your relationships difficult. They

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make your feelings about your self cloudy and unclear. And

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yeah, so today I want to talk about the split second you have

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when you have a thought, and you want to act upon it, you want to

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react you want to respond. And we always think that responding

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reacting acting has to do with the people around us we are

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responding to our environment. But sometimes you sit alone in a

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room or you're trying to go to sleep, and the swords pop up.

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And the swords become your beliefs become how you feel in

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that moment. And those feelings can be so strong that they even

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affect your body, they can put your body into an anxious or

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angry state. And then we have a whole mess going on not only in

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our mind, but also through our body and sensations there. So

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today, I want to talk about the gap, I think it would have would

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have been echo Charley, or some other super spiritual awesome

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person out there who's helping millions of people around the

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globe. So this idea doesn't stem from my ideas. But I felt like

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sharing this with you. So they call it the gap. And this is

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something that you can practice in meditation. When you sit

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there and silence and stillness and you observe your thoughts.

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And if you do that practice while you're feeling somewhat

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okay or even good, you will notice that your thoughts that

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are floating by like as if you were watching a river and your

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thoughts are just floating by that they are fairly positive.

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Maybe you think of to do lists. Maybe you think of a person that

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you want to meet in the future. You think of a conversation that

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you had in the past. Whatever your mind comes up with, and you

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just observe you don't hook into one sock and then go into the

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rabbit hole of that thought and elaborate on Assad. You just

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notice, oh, there's this thoughts floating by, you let it

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float by.

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And that was the hardest part for me to, to learn meditating

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because I thought, oh, I need to not think of anything, I have to

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sit in stillness and not allowed to scratch when I need to

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scratch. But what I've learned is when you meditate, you're

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training your mind to listen to your conscious, and to explore

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what your unconscious mind is coming up with. So you

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consciously choose the thoughts that you want to engage in. That

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is what you train when you are in a safe environment and

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stillness, silence by yourself. And you train this to then when

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you go out into the world, and you are feeling triggered by

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other people or circumstances, that you come back to that

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stillness. And remember that you have the power to create a space

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a gap. And be it only 12345 seconds before you react to that

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thought. So again, we come back to your stillness and safe place

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session, where you decide which side you're following, and which

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not. Maybe you don't follow any thought. And you just let

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everything flowed by. And you tune into your breath, you tune

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into your body and feel sensations, feel your your

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buttocks, touching the ground, fear your hands, maybe squeezing

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your legs, you're here and the present moment, and your

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thoughts are just floating by. And the more often you train

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your mind to not hook into a thought into a belief, the more

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you will feel in power over these thoughts. So that if you

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are going out into the real world, and meet with a person

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who says something that doesn't quite string, a good cord, so to

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say that doesn't feel good. You give yourself that break that

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gap before reacting. So instead of telling yourself, Oh, I gotta

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be positive all day long, I'm not allowed to react, I have a

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nice smile on my face, you know, like toxic positivity kind of

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thing. You just become aware of what happens in that split.

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Second, when somebody says something that triggers you. Or

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you feel your heart rate going up, or you feel like you're

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tensing up, or you lash or you feel like running away, notice

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the reaction, the physical reaction that you have. And

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notice the thoughts that pop up, and don't engage in them. So

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let's take Auntie Susan, who's on your case, because he's still

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not married, or you're freshly divorced, and you're single and

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you're enjoying your life, but you really shouldn't be enjoying

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your life because you should get married again and have children

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bla bla bla bullshit expects expectations from the outside

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world. Instead of becoming defensive with autism, you just

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take a breath, take a couple seconds. And also add this

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little sentence to your repertoire to your tool set.

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This is her experience. This is her expectations towards

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herself. She's trying to put that onto me. And I choose to

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not take it it's like a gift. And I'm not gonna receive it

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because I don't want it it's not in alignment with my values in

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that second and those couple seconds that you take a break,

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breathe, think about what was just gifted to you. You will

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then be able to gracefully react and to respond in a way that is

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so kind and so loving and so direct. And so awesome

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boundaries setting style, that you can say something like I

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really appreciate your concern about my happiness and how I

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should live my life but I I think I'm on a different path.

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Now, I think I want to, you know, explore who I am,

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become the person I meant to be. And let's see how that's gonna

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unfold. So what you're doing there is you stay in connection

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with that person, you don't act as an asshole, even though

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that's would be the quick fix, so to say, and you tell the

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person to fuck off in the nicest way ever, when nobody can say

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anything. And you set a boundary. So that person knows

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now that, okay, well, that person has different values than

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I have. Maybe I want to keep a distance to them, maybe I want

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to be curious about them. But you basically tell the person in

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front of you how you want to be treated. What I used to do, and

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I'm still doing it, very guilty of doing that, I start avoiding

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people who make me feel very uncomfortable, I just smile and

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nod, and then walk away. And in the end, I feel shitty, I feel

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so bad, I feel eaten up from the inside, and I'd dump everything

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onto my boyfriend, who then has to help me to feel better. And

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that's not fair. If I was to set boundaries right away, if I was

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to train my mind, to not react in the moment when a person

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triggers me to know that I have the strength to set a boundary

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and to tell people, Hey, this is not making me feel any good. And

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this is not what I want to talk about right now. Then I feel

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empowered about myself, and the other person also knows, okay,

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in the future, they don't need to bring up that topic again. So

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what I'm doing is that I'm standing up for myself, at the

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same time standing up for my relationship, protecting my

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boyfriend from being a miserable little bit. And the other person

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knows that I want to stay in contact with them. But I have

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conditions under which I want to be in relation with them. So

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this is the split second that you have before you really act

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before you respond. And you can widen that gap to your liking.

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To the point that people will repeat their question and be

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like, Hello, are you here? Are you listening? And you'll be

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like, Yeah, I'm listening. I'm just trying to respond in a way

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that is reasonable, but also true to myself. So don't be shy

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to try it out. Especially when you are in a good place. But

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also, if you don't feel so good right now. To make space to sit

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in stillness and silence and to not engage in your thoughts.

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Especially if you don't feel good to just let them float by

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and to see what happens to tune into your breath to fear your

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body. And this is a tool that you can take into the world

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where ever you go and it will serve you so well. I know this

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first. All right, I'm gonna leave you with this. Check out

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my website, Aurora Eggert coaching.com Find out how I can

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support you on a deeper level. If you enjoy my podcast, make

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sure to leave a review share with people you care. And I will

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be out there for you very soon again. Also, if you have

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requests for future podcast episodes, shoot me a message on

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Facebook and I will make sure to have it out there in a timely