Ep. 17 Are you a good friend? [society, relationship]

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Hello, hello, this is the Borealis experience. I'm

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your host of Aurora, and I hope you're doing well. I just had a

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huge glass of water. So if you notice that you haven't been

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drinking enough water today, pause me and just have a little

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bit of water and up.

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All right, this is Episode Seven teen. Yesterday, I've talked

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about what you can expect when he chooses to grow.

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Namely, that it's not always going to be easy. You might go

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through really rocky

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phases, chaotic phases. And also growth doesn't mean that you

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will never ever encounter difficult situations anymore or

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feel strong emotions.

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And yesterday was also about keeping

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the big picture in mind going into birds perspective, and

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observing your behavior, and how it might affect your

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relationships. And that when we are trying to force something

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when we're too

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focused on something and blend, you know, you don't say blend in

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English. But when you

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forget everything around you,

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then you can get in a very

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uncomfortable,

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you can send out a very uncomfortable vibe to your

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surroundings and shut people out. And that's really harmful

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for you. So today, I want to talk about

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friendship. So we cover the relationship part of our well

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being. And if you look at your friendships, if you look at what

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happened over the last couple months,

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can you say that you are a good friend.

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The reason I want to post this

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episode today is because I feel during COVID We had to isolate

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we had to push people away if we were abiding to the rules. Or if

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we were not conforming, then people pushed us away. And maybe

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there were times where you ask yourself Is this a real friend

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can really count on the people that I trusted for so long? Or

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is it all falling apart now.

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And

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in those times where we feel lonely, uncertain,

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isolated,

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I feel it's most important to ask yourself how you are showing

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up. Because we can change others we can maybe influence them a

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little bit. But we can make them want to be our friend. We can't

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make them

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be there all the time. What you have to realize is that you can

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take charge of how you show up in the world, the energy you put

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out into that universe and take charge of that and in doing so,

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changing your relationships. So this is why this episode today

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is very dear to me because COVID was very disruptive, challenged

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us on many, many levels. And I feel on personal levels

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especially.

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So when you look at Friendship, What is friendship. For me

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friendship is the base of everything. When you look at

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your parents. Now you are in your 20s your 30s you still see

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them as your parents and you may be taking advice from them. But

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you can also see them as a friend. Look at your aunt, an

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uncle, your grandma, your grandpa. If you don't have

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family around you then look at the grocery clerk or the postman

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or

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people that you turned into your family.

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Friendship for me is the least

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most dramatic connection you can have as a human being, of

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course, you can have drama and fights and nasty times with your

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friends. But there's not that

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there's not these ultra high expectations involved.

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When you think about friendships, there's no future

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wedding, there's no parents who want to force you into

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something.

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There's no so so society, not suicidal expectations.

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So friendship is supposed to be a very light and strong bond at

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the same time.

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With a friend, you share secrets, and deep shame or

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insecurities,

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they usually open up a new world to you, because yeah, you might

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have similar hobbies or something, but they might have

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different views, different tastes, where you can just open

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up to and explore new views

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of the world.

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Your friend can excite you about new things, or just their energy

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is awesome to be around. They are supportive in tough times,

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but also can cheer for you, when you are successful, and really

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happy and content. And

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you bond with a friend on many, many levels. And you can have

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discussions and arguments with them and know that you can trust

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them,

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that they have your back,

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that they will listen to you and you will listen to them. A

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friend can also be protective.

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I remember I have girlfriends in Germany, and physically, they're

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way smaller and petite than me. And every time we went out

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for dancing, and a guy was hitting on them, and I could see

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that they didn't want to be hit on and I just invented some

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story to save them out of an uncomfortable situation. So

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another very important part of friendship is boundaries. They

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respect your boundaries, they support your dreams. And they

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want you to be independent. There's

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excitement about doing things together and spending time

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together. But there's also emphasis on independence, and

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you growing them growing at the same time.

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So let's go deeper. Think about your best friends, your the

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people you spend most time with?

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Do you truly listen to them? Or do you wait your turn when it

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comes to conversations, listening is such a precious

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skill to have.

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Because you can learn a lot intellectually, you learn a lot

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about another person, which builds trust and out of people

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who come to me

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a lot of friends who have been single and unhappy.

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And now in happy relationships.

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I was able to observe from the outset that they over time

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learned to listen. Because trust can be built when you listen.

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And if you can trust a person. When you listen to them, then

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you should just move on foot when you truly listen read their

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body language

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without adding what you want them to be,

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then you can get very, very precious information

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about them to build trust.

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So when do we start distorting reality and turn a friend into?

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Yeah, a source of love and attention for our needs, rather

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than seeing them for who they really are?

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I can't really answer that question but I find it very

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Very important to ask, what purpose

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do you expect your friend to fulfill in your life? Why do you

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have that person in your life? And have you noticed maybe that

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there's parts in them that scare you that you don't like about

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them, that challenge you on some level that you don't want to see

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about them. So you try to,

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yeah, put an emphasis on something else, I will come up

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with an example just now.

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So let's say your friend is extroverted and loves to go out.

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And this is, of course, post COVID times or pre COVID times

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better to say,

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and is kind of a social butterfly and joys.

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Feeling new energies and exploring and being adventurous,

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and you are more of an introvert and insecure and don't really

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like to go out, you like to be at home. But you're really

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inspired and attracted to that outgoing side of your friend.

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Now, of course, over time, maybe

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you will feel uncomfortable doing those things with your

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friend, good luck going out. And you will try to

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I don't want to say, put them in a small box, but drag them into

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your world into your

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little cave there that you built yourself to feel secure. Now,

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from an outsider, it's really easy to see that this person is

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going to either break out and

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escape, find space, or they will

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come into your little cave, but start losing their shine and

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doing so also losing your interest and respect a little

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bit. So that is one small example I want to put out here

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is that if you notice that your friend is better at something

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with you, can you be happy for that person and also see it as a

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way to grow? Or are you trying to manipulate yourself and that

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other person around your pain in order to not feel challenged.

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And in doing so limiting yourself of growth? How open can

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you be when your friend is exposing you to something new.

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And then love languages, there's a beautiful book that I highly

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recommend, I will also put it into the show notes with the

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author, because I forgot the author's name. It's called Five

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loud love languages. And in this book, he explored on which

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levels people rarely receive love. So there's physical touch,

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there's words of affirmation, this gifts, there's acts of

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kindness or service. And the fifth one, I forgot.

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I will put them into the show notes. And it's not really

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relevant right now. But one example I want to give you here

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is for instance, if your friend

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is into quality time, so they love spending time with you as

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much as they can.

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But you're more of an independent person and for you

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buying someone a gift crafting someone a gift is the ultimate

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language of love. So you keep throwing those gifts at them,

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and they receive them and are grateful. But don't feely don't

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really feel understood.

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It is really hard to put into words but maybe if I put that

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image out for you, then you can maybe notice

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that you have been in a situation similar situation

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before.

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There's other things like in romantic relationships for

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instance, it's easier to see when someone is very into

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physical touch and needs kissing and hugging and everything

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that involves coziness, physical coziness, on

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On a daily basis,

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the other person receives love

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through gifts. And they're not much into physical touch, they'd

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rather receive gifts from you, but have their freedom and

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space.

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They love you just as much as you love them. But they receive

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love on a different frequency, if you want to see it that way,

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like, we're all little radio stations. And if you want to

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connect with someone deeply, then you have to listen to that

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person and tune into that frequency. And the art is

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without losing yourself at the same time.

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I will go deeper into that at later stages.

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Of course, you want to be seen as who you are, and you don't

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want to

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totally give yourself up. Right, you want the other person to see

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you as who you are, and be treated. But you might miss out

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on very magical insights, if you just make it about you, and how

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you think that other person receives love.

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Then, when it comes to being a good friend, and good person out

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there in society,

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are you conscious of what energy you bring into your

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relationships.

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So there's people who, for instance, stay

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on the news 24/7,

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update it updated, I meant and soak everything in are very

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active on social media, soak all the news in. And whenever you

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meet that person, they unload everything on you, be it good or

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bad. You totally receive all that energy that they soaked up

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for so long. And maybe that's not what you want to receive in

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that moment. So

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maybe you can be conscious of the next couple of times you

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meet up or talk to a friend or a relative or an acquaintance. And

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see,

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what kind of energy are you bringing to the table? Are you

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complaining? Are you sad about some something that happened in

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the world that you can change any way?

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Are you upset? Are you powerless, and just notice how

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the other person is receiving that energy.

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And then make changes in the future. So if you notice now Oh,

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shit, like I've been complaining about my relationship for the

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last three months. And I can really see and read now in my

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friend's body language, that she's overwhelmed and listening

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to all of that. And she even gave up giving me advice because

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she doesn't know how to help me? Or

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do you keep sharing stuff that they're not really interested

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anymore? Or have never been? So it is just about noticing? What

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do you put out there? And how do people react to that? It's

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really interesting to see. And

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then at the same time, do you overshare? Or are you a very

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secretive person? Do you make other people talk? And are you

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more of a Yeah, introvert when it comes to information to you.

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And that's also a very hard thing because how can people

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learn and trust you? If you don't open up about vulnerable

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stuff if you don't share with them? What scares you and what

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what excites you if you only there for the other person to

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soak up their energy but you don't really share yours?

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Do you have strong opinions that turn people off? A few during

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COVID now and even previously, there were a lot of people out

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there on Facebook expressing their opinions and I think it's

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good. I think it's a beautiful thing to to finally hear people

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talk but it shouldn't be to a point where

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it is all or nothing black or white. And that we don't try and

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understand the other person anymore. That's when we

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Turn people like really off and don't want to listen to them

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anymore when we feel they're just monologuing away and don't

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even care about our stance on that.

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So you might be intimidating your people, or unconsciously

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push them away and you don't even see it because you feel

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you're just expressing yourself. But at the same time you make

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that other person feel really shitty and not heard and seen at

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all.

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And then a very important thing, too, is how do you set

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boundaries? And how do you respect boundaries from others.

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Time is a very

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important or interesting thing, when you look at people who meet

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up with friends and can spend five hours with them. And the

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other person has friends where they just meet for half an hour

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coffees, and then they vanish off into their life again, and

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you don't really know what they're doing. So if you have a

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friend who, whose attention span is very short, then you can

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communicate to that to them. And

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they might tell you Well, yeah, I get overwhelmed. I need more

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time with myself than with other people. And I have to recharge

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my batteries. They feel depleted right now. How do you react when

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a person sets a boundary? And really does it in a loving, warm

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way? does it trigger you? Does it make you feel scared?

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And then

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what about you? How do you set boundaries? Do you have

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boundaries at all? Are you running around serving other

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people? And totally neglecting yourself? Do you have boundaries

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with yourself where you know, now I have to stop giving and

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have to start

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putting energy into myself. So boundaries and how we

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communicate needs are going to be very big topics I want to

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talk about because I feel the really juicy good relationships

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are based on respect and genuine curiosity and boundaries and

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expressing needs falls under respect and how much do we

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respect the others? How much do we feel respected?

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Wonderful. Thank you so much for listening today. I'm very

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excited to be out there tomorrow. Again, I might be

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posting a meditation later on.

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Thank you for being here spending time with me. Despite

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Aurora