Ep.12 You don't need to be a crutch for others [relationships]

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Hello, and welcome to the Borealis experience with

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your host Aurora, life coach and companion on this beautiful

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journey called life. I hope you're doing well, I hope you

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feel comfortable in your skin to help you feel safe. And, yeah,

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let's spend some time together and to reflect about some stuff

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to liberate us from weird thought patterns and belief

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systems, or for feeling just a little bit more relaxed, a

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little bit more confident with who we are. I want to make a

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little disclaimer here at the beginning that I'm not a

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healthcare practitioner. I'm not a professional healer. I'm

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sharing my podcast here through experiences that I've made in my

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life and lessons I've learned. And this is just for

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entertainment, and yeah, to spread some goodness in the

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world. But please don't make any changes when it comes to

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medication. And see your doctor ask for professional help. If

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you're struggling intensely right now, I'm hoping to make

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you feel good. And that's kind of my goal here, but I'm not a

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healthcare practitioner. So today's episode is being

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inspired by a dear friend from Munich, a lady that I went to

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school with. And I'm very grateful for this. She recently

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became a sponsor of the show or a dear supporter. And yeah, I

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feel very, very honored and blessed that she is in my life

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and that she's supporting my little project here. And if you

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feel like you are getting a lot of value out of this or just a

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little value, please find the link in the show notes and

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support the show through an elder nation a subscription

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writing a review or sharing with loved ones, it would mean the

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world to me to be able to help more people during Yeah, weird

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uncertain times. Alright, let's dive into today's episode. I

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still don't know what the title is going to be. But I know the

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content is gonna be about how much do you need to support your

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friends emotionally and mentally and not only to your friends,

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but let's say loved ones people around you that you care about?

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How much do you need to take on? How much time do you have to

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schedule in to? Yeah, be a little therapist of your friends

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and family was the question. And the first thing that came to

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mind and people who know me know this by now that I will never

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pamper you and your victimhood. I will always draw the mirror or

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draw the picture as I see it and hold the mirror in front of your

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face. Because this is how I learned best in my past and also

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present. And when it comes to supporting others being an

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emotional crutch for others, I want to tell you right now

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without beating around the bush, that it is not your job. It will

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become your job. If you allow it or even more importantly, to say

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if your ego or your whole being only fields worthy. When you can

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be a support to others. When you feel that you are rescuing,

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helping giving advice and that can sometimes come from the

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heart you know as a genuine, empathetic person. But sometimes

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even though it is very well meant it can be your ego your

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mind that I strongly identifies with being a helper in other

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people's lives, because maybe this is how you grew up as a

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little toddler. I'm gonna give you a little example here, let's

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pretend that Mia, a little girl grows up with her mom, single

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mom, and they don't have contact to the dad. And the mom is maybe

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struggling with a slight depression field slowly. But the

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child has her everything as her rainbows, sunshine, her you

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know, center of, of her life. So whenever little Mia senses that

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her mom is in a weird or bad mood, she starts becoming the

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clown, she starts entertaining the mom, she starts maybe baking

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or singing or telling jokes, because she wants her mom to be

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happy. So this little girl learns from an early age on that

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she is responsible for her mom's emotions. And what does that do

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to her little baby brain. Because it is a primary

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caregiver. And it is happening in a stage in life where the

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brain absorbs everything without filtering out, she assumes and

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makes conclusions about love, that might not be serving her

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and future adult life. So she assumes now that she is

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responsible for her mom's well being and emotional well being

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especially. And sometimes it feels like a job, sometimes it's

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a little bit too much. But it gives her a strong sense of

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belonging and makes her bond with her mom, because whenever

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she makes her mom happy, mom is happy. And when the caregiver is

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happy, you usually get your needs met. When the caregiver is

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not happy, you usually struggle to feel heard. And understood.

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So what this little girl learns is, she needs to be there for

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her mom as a little crutch, but also as, as a feeling of being

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loved and feeling seen. And she would take that into her adult

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life, and feel loved, and a sense of belonging with her

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friends with her partners. Whenever they need her. Of

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course, they're gonna, you know, I don't want to say take

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advantage because I don't want to paint the devil out there.

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Like I want to make you aware that it is within you that you

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can change this. Your friends and family will take your

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support. Because this is what you offer. This is how you want

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to love other people. So if there's nothing else you have to

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offer, then of course, they will take that what does that to you?

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Well, first of all, you might be attracted to people who need you

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who need fixing and rescuing and that never goes down well.

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Because once you fix them, they don't need you anymore in a

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sense, or you feel unemployed in another sense. And with people

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who are confident and independent you feel anxious and

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scared because oh my god I don't know my purpose in their life.

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Like why would they love me if they don't need my support and

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love and me being a crutch. So in a sense you trying to make

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people independent from you. Because this is what you've

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learned is love. But it is not my dear one and I had to I had

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to learn it the hard way just like everything. I learned

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everything the hard way. And this is also why I love my poker

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poker so much because I got the feedback that I can give people

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shortcuts to not, you know, linger and weird situation for

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too long and I wish I had these tools 10 years ago. I really do.

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But it's okay. It's okay. It's not too late. So, I want you to

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look at yourself and really reflect about what what is law

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out to you isn't feeling needed?

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I hope that winter is not strong now. Is it? Is it a need of

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yours that you feel you need to be of support to others

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otherwise, it's not a genuine friendship or relationship. This

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wind is getting too strong. And to see it, like if you have a

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friend and they have a friend, and you observe how they relate

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to each other, like I, when I started making that observation,

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I realized that there was people in my friend's life that was

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there only for entertainment purposes, they wouldn't never

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asked in depth questions, they would also not ask how my friend

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is really doing, they would just go about their life and, you

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know, spread their energy and be very entertaining. And I just

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thought, huh, that's very interesting. So even if you're

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not empathetic, if you don't carry around other people to

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shit, you can be their friend. Wow. So that then made me

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realize that me and my friends, we were constantly being each

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other's therapists. Yeah, we would have fun on occasion. But

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we would also use each other as emotional crutches. And this is

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when I started going to therapy and finding a professional and

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also hiring a mentor and a coach, and a yoga teacher. I

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covered myself up with professionals, because I

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realized that I'm first off overwhelming and burdening the

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people around me with my struggles. And I'm not really

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moving forward. Because, yeah, they give you great advice at

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times, but sometimes also not so great advice. And once I

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transitioned, like working on my stuff with professionals, I was

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able to change my friendship dynamics, my relationship

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dynamics. And that was, that was quite a change. Because at the

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beginning, I felt like I'm unemployed, I can't be my

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friend's therapist anymore. Well, that's great, because now

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I have so much more energy. And as long as as what I was there

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for support, they would also always rely on me. So as long as

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you water your neighbor's garden, your neighbor is not

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going to come up and you know, take the hose away from you that

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your neighbor is going to enjoy that you water his garden, and

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might even plant more plants for you to have more to water. But

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as soon as you stop watering your neighbor's garden, he now

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has to come up with his own schedule and time and energy to

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provide for himself and the same goes emotionally, mentally, for

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the people that you used to be a crutch for. They now realize,

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holy shit, I gotta take care of my own life. Now, my friend is

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not there anymore. She's, you know, enjoying her life and

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wants to connect with me on a different level. How you, you

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know, own up to my shit. Sorry for swearing so much. So, in a

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sense, you enable people to use you as a crutch. If you strongly

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identify as a rescuer, a helper, you know, an emotional support

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person. But watch out how much you extend yourself because you

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are giving energy away. And people would be better off if

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they came up with their own energy to help themselves. So to

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set graceful boundaries. And for next time when when a friend or

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a family member comes to you and wants to unload everything on

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you. You can start saying no in a kind way. You can start saying

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you know what, I'm, I'm struggling like with my own

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stuff right now. And it's really hard for me to give you advice

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because I'm not in your relationship. I'm not in your

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situation. I don't have all the insights and then when they try

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to give you more insights. You then just say, No, I feel this

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is too much right now. my nervous system cannot handle all

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this information. And by saying these sentences, and you would

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think, Oh, it's just words, but you feel so relieved and

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empowered. And the other person might feel a little bit awkward

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at the start. But they will also realize, okay, well, then I have

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to find somebody else or I actually have to reach out to a

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professional. So the whole dynamic, sorry, dynamic of the

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this relationship will change. As soon as you set these kind

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boundaries. But the first thing that has to happen is your

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awareness is who are you? And what did you strongly identify

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with? And this is what my coaching is all about. And this

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podcast is all about is, who are you? Are you your thoughts? Are

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you your feelings? Are you your past experiences? Are you with a

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belief systems that you mindlessly copy and pasted from

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your family and your, like society and culture that you

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grew up in? Who are you? What makes you you? And how do you

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choose to show up for yourself in the future? And for the

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people that you love and for society? And what fields most

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authentic? How can you reclaim that power that you had given

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away, and now you blaming others around you, because they only

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treat you as well as you treat yourself as cliche as this

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sounds. But if you don't have boundaries with yourself, if you

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cannot say no, if you don't have the discipline it takes to enjoy

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freedom of time and freedom to be yourself, then people are not

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going to do this for you know, even worse, it is going to feel

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as if they take advantage of you, but they're not. They're

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just treating you how you treat yourself. And you need to learn

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and to find out who you truly are, in order to give people

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kind of a roadmap directions to how you want to be treated and

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talk to, and how you want to socialize, and how you want to

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relate to the people that want to be in contact with you. And

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this is the most beautiful journey to be on I am on it. And

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it's it's enjoyable every day. And I help other people to walk

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that path. And it is so exhilarating to all of a sudden

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see people reaching a point where they feel oh my god, this

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is me. This was me all along, but I didn't allow it. I didn't

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want to see this because it creates discomfort and change at

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the beginning and that's never fun. It's you know, it's it's

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weird at times, but you will feel your sense of self more and

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more and isn't that worth it? All right. I'm gonna leave you

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with that. Also, if you live in Canada in Alberta and BC, I

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highly encourage you visiting the yard to be part of the year

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and experience member and to have a place where you can just

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relax and be and you can share if you want to share or you can

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just sit by the fire and do a little bit of gentle movements

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and release tension and find a place where your mind can just

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wander and curiosity and not worry and where you can make

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sense of yourself and connect with people who are on a very

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similar journey that's my my latest thing is to bring people

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together who are on a similar path and to have them connect

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and it's just yeah, very beautiful to be a space holder

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like that. I'm gonna leave you with that was so much love and

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care and if there is request for future podcast episodes, never

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hold back. If you're curious about coaching and starting a

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journey with me, it can be over zoom or in person reach out and

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ask me all the questions that you have. And if you want to

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stop by the year here in southern Alberta beaver minds

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please stop by shoot me a message and We'll make time to

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to get a little visit in alright take really good care of