ep.32 Emotional pain and aggression.

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Hello, and welcome to the Borealis experience. I'm

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your host Aurora.

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And I'm very

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happy to be spending some time with you today. Today is the

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32nd episode. And just a quick announcement that I will be

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hosting on a different platform now. So if you have iTunes and

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Spotify,

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you are safe.

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If you were listening to this podcast on any other platform,

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then iTunes, Spotify stitchers, and one other that I can recall

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now, then please join iTunes or Spotify. Yeah, I'm very excited,

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I have a new platform where I can edit better, and I can reach

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out to you in a different way. And this is very exciting for

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me, because I'm not a computer nerd on the exact opposite. But

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it's all going to be fine. I'm gonna be patient and bite

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through it. Because you're so worth it. I want you to have the

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best quality when you choose to spend time with me. So let's

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dive in. Today, I announced yesterday, I announced that I

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will be talking about emotional pain and aggression. Let's talk

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about emotional pain first, because I feel emotional pain is

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the first step that leads us to be aggressive. Do you care carry

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pain around with you and don't even know it? How do you find

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out? There's this awesome guy called eco tala. And he

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describes said as the pain body. So if you think about your

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physical body, now imagine your emotional body being just as

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susceptible to pain, then your physical body. And when someone

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is attacking us when something hurts us, it creates a scar on

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our emotional body. And can you imagine how it would look like

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feel like be like to have these wounds visible? I would hope

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that we would all be way more gentle with each other. But

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let's think about all the stuff that has hurt you in the past.

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And did you really get over it? Or is it still bugging you

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today? We can go even into your childhood and everything that

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happens between zero and seven years of age is kind of burned

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into your heart where and that stuff is really hard to dig out

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and expose and get rid of because it's really burned into

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our little spongy brain. sponge because we soak everything up

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when we're little. So all the experiences that you've made so

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far, have left an impression on you. You made your conclusions.

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You might have found resolution and closure. But no one

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navigates through life with a clean shirt. So to say we all

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have stuff that we had a hard time to let go. That is still

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bugging us. And when we get injured when we get emotionally

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attacked. Then what our brain does is detaching from that

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experience. Or whatever comes up in the future that reminds us of

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that experience will have a huge impact on us and a huge reaction

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will arise because of stuff that is being triggered. We learn

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then to avoid or resist or fight Everything that reminds us of

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that pain that has happened to us in the past. And maybe you

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are doing this consciously. But most of the time, that stuff

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happens unconsciously. And we just see it in how people react

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to us. And sometimes we don't get why people react in a

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certain way. Because we are so unaware of how we behave, that

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we only focus of what is happening

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outside. And why is that a bad thing? It is a bad thing,

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because we usually then retreat into victim mentality and blame

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others see all the faulty things that happen outside of us, but

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we can quite see what is happening inside of us that we

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could correct and where we have the power to change. And so if

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we learn to avoid pain, resist or fight potential pain, because

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it is our brain who can see the danger, but because of a

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distorted view on reality, yeah, you are so scared of being left

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alone again. Let's say if that was one thing in your childhood,

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that now every time the slightest moment of loneliness

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comes up, you just freak out and you have to, like try to

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suffocate that ugly feeling of love, loneliness. And we can

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really learn we can unfuck ourselves, so to say from from

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those avoid and detachment behaviors and can reintegrate

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and become the person we were supposed to become, again.

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Because when we close ourselves up, and like, try to protect

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ourselves too much, then we also close ourselves up to love and

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the most beautiful things in life that asked from us to be

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courageous, right? Like when you live in fear, when you live in a

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constant state of protectiveness, then you really

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miss out. And that should be enough of a reason to dig up old

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stuff and look at it and then put it to peace, put it to sleep

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forever. So let's look at some examples. We have racism, we

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have heartbreak, we have accidents, we have

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disappointment, that all can happen and deeply injure us and,

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and even shape our perception, on life and on society and on

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people in general. When we make these experiences than usually

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we see black and white, there is racism from white people against

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black people and from black people, against white people. I

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experienced it when I was living in South Africa. Like for four

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months, I had really a taste of what racism feels like. And I

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know how crippling it is and scary. But I refuse to see South

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Africa as a racist country like it's not just to then make a

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general like radical conclusion just because I had a bad

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experience. Same with heartbreak. Yeah, when you go

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through a really terrible heartbreak. Of course you have

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to heal and rest and rejuvenate and everything. But there comes

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a time where you have to go out there again with a complete open

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heart and mind and be curious about the other person and

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noticed when your mind is trying to protect you when when you're

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trying to run away from intimacy again. You're probably wondering

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when I'm finally get into aggression, but I'm getting

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there. Be patient with me. So when shit happens, it is burned

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into a memory like a scar and to avoid future pain. We

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subconscious We change our behavior. And that is so tricky,

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because, as you probably know, subconscious means that we are

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absolutely not aware that our behavior is changing, that we

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becoming more dark or more

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heavy or more aggressive even. And that affects how we relate

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to people and things. And in turn affects what we bring into

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our life attract into our life, you don't have to be all too

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esoteric to understand that I don't want to say because I know

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you can follow me. But once you shout into the forest, you

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receive back, there's a quote like that in German, please

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correct me if I'm wrong. If you have a bad mood and you behave

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aggressively, then there's a huge chance that the feedback

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will be negative as well, except if it's a person who can cut

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through your bullshit and see your pain. But usually, it has

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to be a person that knows you for a long time. So your

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behavior changes on a subconscious level. And you

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attract things out of some that you don't really want. But you

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don't understand why. And this is because of the emotions that

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we send out into the world, and that make us feel stuck and

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influences greatly how we make choices, our decision making is

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hugely dependent on how we feel about ourselves and others. And

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this is what I want you to be aware of today. And that even

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changes the way you see yourself and you feel about yourself, and

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you see and feel all that others, all of it is affected.

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So let's go deeper into an example here. Let's say that in

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high school, you were bullied that one time because you were

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not a good sports man, sports woman, and people started making

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fun of you. So how do you step into the world, then you step

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into the world thinking that you are not sporty, not capable of

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any physical activity, and you retreat you may be not because

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of a passion, become an artist, because you think you're not

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worth being a sporty person, because he had that shitty

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experience. And it can be the other way around too. You can be

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born into a family of intellectuals and bankers,

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accountants, whatnot, but be born into a soul being an

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artist, a singer, a songwriter, or a painter. So how do you feel

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about yourself when you bring back a painting from school and

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your family says well, but your math grades suck. But your

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English skills suck. So how do you feel then about yourself of

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course, you're going to think that you're a useless piece of

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human being who has nothing to serve the world. So the

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experiences you made in the past that might have shaped you that

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you maybe have forgotten about and and really affect the way

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you see yourself and then the society around us that at

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sometimes some point in our life has taught us that we are not

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okay how we are and we have to change to fit in because

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otherwise we get excluded or whatnot. And I feel this is the

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root cause of aggression and aggression is the most Miss

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understood emotion that there is because yeah, you can be an

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aggressive car driver or sportsman, sports woman. But

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aggression among people is deriving because of feeling

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misunderstood, feeling, powerless, feeling not seen and

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feeling as if you don't matter. It's a deep feeling of sadness.

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That turns people into evil, aggressive people. And I can

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talk from experience because I've been there and I have not

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completely healed from it yet. I still have tremendous aggression

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inside of my chest, but I learned to channel it out. And

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to be aware of it and go deeper, if you can think about a

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pyramid, aggression is more on the top level of the pyramid of

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emotions, and lower levels of emotions, like

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the deep base of aggression can be shame, and sadness. And if we

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would learn to see it in ourselves, and then reflect that

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into the outside world again. And if we could teach people to

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see it in other people, and not react to the aggression that is

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happening, but seeing the bullshit that is going on

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underneath, we would be such a strong society and so supportive

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with each other. I don't know if you can hear it in my voice. But

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this topic is really dear to me. aggression is really a tricky,

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tricky emotion because it pushes people away, when you want them

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to be closest, when you finally want to express yourself, yeah,

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when you held back your sadness and your powerlessness and your

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shame for too long. And it just bursts out of you, and you want

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to make people hear you. But it comes out as this aggressive,

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ugly language, where people have two choices, they can make this

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how do you say they can play them? not hearing, not seeing,

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just receiving, but actually being shut down. So they keep

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being in your presence, but don't really understand you and

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just wait until you're done. Then there's the other person

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who snaps back, which makes it most of the time even worse. And

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then there's the person who can see that you are in pain and

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then cuts through and just gets in there. And it's there for

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you, even though you were aggressive. And those are the

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people who really get you who really want to be close to you.

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And we have to learn to express ourselves better. And that

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aggression is a nice tool is an awesome, awesome emotion to

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sometimes get things done and to be successful. But when we

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interact with others, when we want to feel understood,

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aggression can be the way to go. It pushes people away, it scares

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people, especially when it is a man and a woman and the woman is

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the enabler and the man is reacting aggressively, then the

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woman will not change her behavior. The way it'd be best.

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She will be scared she will be defensive. And she will

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manipulate and fuck you up in other ways then you actually

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want so this is my first episode about aggression, aggression,

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aggression, and it was not the last.

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I'm finding it. Awesome to talk about it. It helps me a lot.

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If you follow Bill Burr, if you know the comedian, then look up

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some stuff from him. He's hilarious and he talks about his

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aggression quite openly. I'm going to leave you at that. take

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really good care of yourself. We covered a lot today. And don't

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forget iTunes, Spotify and Stitcher are the platforms where

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you can find me in the future. Lots of love Aurora with