Ep.31 Self-Abandonment and how New Year's resolutions are a waste of time if you don't like yourself [self awareness]

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Hello, and

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welcome to the Borealis experience. I'm so happy to be

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back to be reconnecting with you. I hope you're doing well. I

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hope you feel peace. I hope you feel confident about yourself, I

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hope you feel good about the path that you're on the journey

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that you're engaged in. And if that's not the case, if you feel

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confused, stuck, frustrated, lost. I hope my podcast will add

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value to your life and support you inspire you make you feel

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your heart and your soul. On a deeper level. I have a puppy

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whining in the background. So that's my my challenge today.

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But we'll just go with the flow and I will not let myself get

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distracted. So it's

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January, January.

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difficulty speaking today.

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It's January 7 2024.

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We brought Christmas behind us and the New Year celebrations. I

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hope you feel right. I hope you had a good time with friends and

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family or with yourself if you decided to spend the holidays

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alone. I totally understand this too. But yeah, I hope you don't

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feel burned out. Because a lot of people that I talked to right

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now are kind of happy that things are over. They had a good

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time with family, good food and great outdoors activities

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together. But it can also be a lot, a lot of texting, back and

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forth coordinating, trying to please everybody or

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accommodating everybody trying to not step on people's toes.

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Trying to not feel triggered when it comes to family. Sorry,

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family. So it can be a lot, there's a lot of expectations

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involved. There's a lot of you know, out of routine, days

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happening. And that's good. Let's get it messy. Let's get it

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chaotic. But then it's also nice and exciting to go back to

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routine. And maybe starting a new routine, right New Year's

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resolutions, goals, dreams, whatever it is. intentions, a

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lot of people talk about setting intentions now instead of having

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a New Year's resolutions, and I totally applaud that embrace

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that myself. Sometimes having resolutions are great, but it

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can be too rigid, it can be you know, too big of a change that

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we all of a sudden want to engage in. And then we drop it

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after two weeks or maybe after two days already, get frustrated

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with ourselves and then end up in a position that is worse than

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when we first started. And I want to help you with that. I

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don't want you to feel frustrated, I don't want you to

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you know not set set goals or chase after your dreams. But

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what I want to encourage you and make you aware of is that

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sometimes we are with ourselves with our relationship to

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ourselves, our life. We are in a spot where we tend to self

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abandon, we put ourselves last. We have very harsh self talk. We

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have belief systems in place that are not necessarily you

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know, heart opening and kind towards ourself, or others. And

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then we come up with a new year's resolution. Let's say we

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want to have a successful business by the end of the year.

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While we want to lose 15 kilos throughout the year. We want to

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exercise regularly. If those New Year's resolutions meet a person

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that constantly abandoned him or herself. That's not going to

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work out. You're just going to hate yourself even more you're

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going to feel like the biggest failure ever, if you have a

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coach who tells you, yeah, awesome, set your goals low. And

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then, you know, we build on that. And that's great advice

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for a person who's been working on themselves and loves

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themselves already. But a lot of people are not there yet. And

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that's perfectly fine. No need to feel embarrassed or no need

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to feel less than or not enough. But a lot of people have to

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realize that they look into the mirror in the morning. And they

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absolutely hate what they see. They can't even bring up a

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smile, they can can't even look into their own eyes. And how can

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a person like that all of a sudden, engage in practices that

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are completely self loving and hard opening, right, just like a

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person who has been living on the streets for the last couple

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of weeks or months, all of a sudden going to a spa, they will

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not feel comfortable. Because their nervous system is still in

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abandonment mode, survival mode, having to fight or flight mode.

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And then you want to start to you know, draw them a bath and

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spend money on a massage and go to the hairdresser and have your

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nails done and engage in a coaching journey. That might be

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not in alignment with the person's nervous system, it

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might be too much, like too much of a drastic change. And then

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you cannot expect good results. You can have a great mindset,

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very positive, very, right, push through the day, everything is

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great, and kind of harass yourself to feel happy. But on

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the inside, you know that you're lying to yourself on the inside,

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you know that you're not ready yet for this. So you got to dial

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back a little bit. And realize and accept that you don't like

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yourself. Otherwise you wouldn't abandon yourself. And if you

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were not to abandon yourself constantly, you could

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consistently engage in self care practices. But there's something

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inside of you that keeps manipulating the situation. And

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what is that little thing inside of you? What is it that prevents

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you from being consistent from showing up from being punctual

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from being orderly from being this loving, open heart, a

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person that absolutely adores him or herself and respects and

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loves other people? You got to come back to that you can't run

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away from it. You can, but it will cost you so much more

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effort and energy and will just be a great waste of time.

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Because again, on the outside, you will look like oh man, he's

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got it all together. Oh, man, she's got it all. But on the

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inside, you know, you're lying to yourself. And I'm always,

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always always if you're listening to this podcast for

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the first time. Here is what I do is that I want to get you to

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the point where you look from the inside out and not from the

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outside and not from the perspective of how do I fit in

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how do I function? What do other people think of me? How do I you

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know, communicate with other people. That's important too.

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Because we all want to belong. We all need to belong for

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survival. But I want you to go within to make space and time to

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learn about yourself. Who are you? What part is it inside of

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you? That keeps abandoning yourself that prevents you from

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showing up from for yourself sorry. What is it that makes you

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think that you're not deserving of nicely you know, running

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business and above Then life, what is it inside of you, that

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doesn't accept this beautiful relationship that you're in. And

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you keep pushing your partner away. You keep building walls,

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you keep blaming and shaming and all along, you know, it's

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something inside of you that you need to heal. What is it inside

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of you that makes you feel less than that? Has you compare

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yourself all the time? And not always, but often I go back in

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time with people, with my clients during the coaching

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journey, and we explore what happened, what, what really

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messed up your sense of self? And can we heal that? Can we

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change your perspective on that? Right? I had a client the other

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day, and she said, she's basically an orphan. She has no

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parents she never had because they neglected her. They made

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her feel shit. They, you know, emotionally, physically abused

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her. She's an orphan, she says.

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And she has a shaky foundation. So she is successful now. But

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she's always scared that it's going to be taken away from her.

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She's always scared that that hard that curtain? How do you

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say that house of cards will collapse one day, because she

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has a shaky foundation. Because her parents are just, they were

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not parents for her. She didn't grow up with caregivers that

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loved her, supported her. And so she doesn't really believe

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herself in her success. And that's such a tragic story.

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Because this woman is so extremely beautiful and so

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capable and so intelligent, loving. And yet she believes

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that she's not worthy because of her upbringing. So what we do is

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we go back in time, and we find situations where she felt this

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way, for the first time. And then change the perspective,

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learn more about her parents, her upbringing, and so on, and

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so on, and so on. So we sometimes have to go back in

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time, right? Because a lot of people ask me, oh, I want to

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start coaching. But I heard that's, you know, we only look

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into the future, and we build strength for the future. Yeah,

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we do all that. But sometimes you got to go back to your

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roots. And you got to heal from the roots. And make sure that

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you know, how worthy you are. Because no coaching in this

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world is going to help you if you think you're not worthy of

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it. And no, you know, New Year's resolution and self care

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practice that you want to engage in is gonna, you know, be

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consistent. How do you say that my English is really bad today,

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you will not be able to stay consistent. It will not be

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sustainable. If you don't love yourself, and was your mind was

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the ego, you can, you know, keep forcing it and keep showing up

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and go to the gym and lift heavier weights. But it's going

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to be harder and harder. It's going to take more and more

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effort. If you don't go back to your self abandonment issues.

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And how does self abandonment look like? Well, self

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abandonment has many, many faces. Right? We can have a

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morning routine or we can have a plan for how our day wants to

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unfold how we would feel best. And then somebody comes up and

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say Hey, can you help me with this? All right, then I'm going

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to help you with this. Because that person has helped us in the

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past. We're going to show up for them now. All right, and then we

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sit down and we want to get worked down. Finally everything

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is quiet. We start working 10 minutes into the work. We think

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I never got back to that person on Facebook. I better get them a

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message sent because otherwise they be upset it, then I'm on

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Facebook messaging. Next thing you know, I'm on social media on

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tick tock on Instagram, everywhere checking if there's

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messages or notifications or anything I need to get back to

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half an hour goes by, oh shit, okay, I gotta go back to work,

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then the phone rings and there's a person who needs help. And of

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course, you're not going to, you know, let them down and you show

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up for them. And then so your whole morning went by, in the

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evening, you wanted to subscribe to a yoga class. And now your

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husband tells you or your partner or whoever wanted to

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show up for you that they don't have time to babysit the dog or

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your child. And yeah, he goes your self care practice. You

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have belief systems that when something goes wrong, that life

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is against you, when somebody is upset or angry or treats you

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like very poorly, that you deserve it, you have a hard time

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setting boundaries, you have an extremely hard time expressing

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your needs. Especially when it comes to your family and your

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relationships.

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You

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have a feeling that consistency and structure is restraining you

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restricting you it doesn't feel good. So you don't like

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structure. Because back then, at school, maybe you had a bad

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experience with a teacher and now you hate authority you hate

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discipline you hate, you know, being punctual, you don't like

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structure, because you have a negative condition, conditioning

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with with structure and discipline, but that's needed in

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order to be successful. So there's a tug of war, inside of

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you, when you want to get things done, that you have a genuine

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resistance to discipline, you can stay focused because of

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that. And you get frustrated at yourself. And when people treat

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you poorly, you believe them, you don't stand up for yourself,

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when people need something from you. You give them you know,

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you're all which is great. But we have to find times where we

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say no. So to work on that first and to train, standing in front

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of the mirror and to train to accept all parts of you. And to

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bring up the parts that you resist. And absolutely, you

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know, dislike and reject and to engage on a journey to embrace

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those parts. Because if you keep living in denial of those parts,

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they're gonna keep limping behind you, you know, like a

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shadow like a sad, starved little dog. So you got to give

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it some intention, even though it's not comfortable. But

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otherwise, there's no point in engaging in great New Year's

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intentions, resolutions, however you want to call it goals and

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dreams. Because once you get there once you have the perfect

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body once you have the great relationship, once you have the

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job once you have the running business, you will not feel like

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you deserve it. It will not be sustainable. And then what was

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all the effort for you got to train your whole nervous system,

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your whole being to be the biggest, greatest gift of love

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to this world. That is so incredibly unique and magical

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and needed. And then you were engaged in practices that are in

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resonance with that. Everything that you do before embracing

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yourself and loving yourself is going to be a waste of money.

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All right. This is my message for you today and I'll send you

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out into the state and this evening was so much love so much

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respect. I can't wait to meet with you in person, be it at the

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year experience or over zoom. I'm always there for questions.

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If you have questions, you know, regarding this episode, if you

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ever requests for a future episodes, never hold back. And

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if you're curious about a coaching journey with me, sent

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me a message. And I'd be glad to, yeah, share with you how I

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approach this thing called coaching. And yeah, if you have

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a partner, if you are in a relationship, we can certainly

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include your partner, or even try out a one time and Timothy

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class, which I highly recommend, before engaging on a longer

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journey. And if you're single, and want to heal from past

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heartbreak and feel, yeah, you are not on a on a good path

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right now with being single and you want to change things around

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but you don't know how, then I'd gladly serve you as well. All

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right, take really good care of yourself. And as you know, this

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podcast is kind of a build up a progression. Very timeless, so

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go back to old episodes, you can conveniently pick them up or

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titles, whatever you find most interesting, and this podcast is

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offer free and I wanted to keep it that way. But if you got some

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value out of it, please consider leaving a review on Apple

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podcasts or Spotify or rating. And there is a donation button

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in the shownotes buy me a coffee. Of course I won't buy a

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coffee with the money. I will put it right back into my

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podcast expenses or incomes to cover the expenses and I'd be so

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ever grateful to receive any kind of feedback was so much

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love. Take good care of yourself. Bye bye