Episode 27
Ep.27 Why some people cheat and lie in relationships [self-awareness,relationships]
When your emotional needs are unmet in a relationship, it can have significant emotional, psychological, and relational consequences. Here are some of the potential outcomes and effects:
- Emotional Distress: Unmet emotional needs can lead to feelings of sadness, frustration, anger, or loneliness. You may experience a general sense of dissatisfaction or emotional pain in the relationship.
- Resentment: Over time, unmet needs can breed resentment toward your partner. You may feel as though your needs are not being acknowledged or valued, which can erode trust and intimacy.
- Communication Breakdown: Unmet needs can lead to poor communication in the relationship. You may struggle to express your feelings and needs clearly, or your partner may become defensive or avoidant in response to your attempts at communication.
- Decreased Intimacy: Emotional intimacy often relies on the fulfillment of emotional needs. When these needs go unmet, emotional distance can develop, leading to decreased physical and emotional intimacy in the relationship.
- Conflict: Unresolved issues stemming from unmet needs can result in frequent arguments and conflict. These conflicts may be about the unmet needs themselves or manifest in other areas of the relationship.
- Mental Health Effects: Persistent emotional distress due to unmet needs can contribute to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. The emotional toll can affect your overall well-being.
- Seeking Fulfillment Elsewhere: In some cases, individuals may seek to fulfill their unmet emotional needs outside the relationship, which can lead to infidelity or the desire to engage in activities or friendships that provide emotional support.
- Withdrawal: Some people may withdraw from the relationship as a coping mechanism. They may emotionally detach or become disengaged as a way to protect themselves from further emotional pain.
- Impact on Self-Esteem: Unmet emotional needs can negatively impact your self-esteem and self-worth. You may begin to question your value and desirability within the relationship.
- Relationship Dissatisfaction: Overall, the result of unmet emotional needs is often a sense of dissatisfaction with the relationship. If these needs remain unaddressed, it can ultimately lead to relationship deterioration or even dissolution.
It's important to note that every relationship will have moments when emotional needs go unmet temporarily. However, it becomes concerning when this becomes a chronic pattern or when the unmet needs are significant and vital for your emotional well-being.
Addressing unmet emotional needs typically involves open and honest communication with your partner. Sharing your feelings and needs in a constructive and non-confrontational manner is an essential first step. Couples therapy or counseling can also be beneficial in helping both partners understand and address these issues. Ultimately, working together to meet each other's emotional needs is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
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A.
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Transcript
You know, Hello, and welcome to the experience, life
Unknown:coach, companion on this beautiful journey, Conclave, I
Unknown:hope you're doing well. I hope you feel safe and loved and
Unknown:handsome and beautiful. And if you're not feeling all too well,
Unknown:at the moment, I hope I can bring you some lightness. I hope
Unknown:I can make you feel less alone and help you reflect help you
Unknown:gain some insights about your relationships and yourself. I'm
Unknown:not making any claims to be able to heal people or anything, I'm
Unknown:just here for, I want to say entertainment, meaningful
Unknown:entertainment. So if you're struggling right now, with, you
Unknown:know, more serious mental issues, if you're really not
Unknown:feeling good, I invite you to reach out to a professional out
Unknown:there because there's such good counselors and therapists out
Unknown:there who are ready to help you in a way that feels good and
Unknown:sustainable and where you feel understood. If you feel okay,
Unknown:but you feel stuck. You don't really know you know what your
Unknown:purpose is. And if you are in the right relationship, if you
Unknown:work the right job, or you feel kind of numb, because yeah,
Unknown:showing emotions tired you out in the past. So you decide to
Unknown:become, you know, more numb to the ups and downs of life, then
Unknown:I'm ready to help you. And it doesn't have to be me. But there
Unknown:is great coaches out there who can inspire you empower you, and
Unknown:set you on a path that feels more juicy and lively.
Unknown:So
Unknown:without any further ado, I'm going to dive right into today's
Unknown:podcast episode. These last couple of episodes I talked
Unknown:about your needs and how important it is to know yourself
Unknown:and know your needs and communicate your needs. Because
Unknown:I strongly believe when we don't do that our desires, our unmet
Unknown:needs will come out in one way or another and usually not in
Unknown:the nicest way. Because we are not creatures who can survive or
Unknown:want to live all too long without having our needs met. So
Unknown:people who constantly feel that their needs are not being met,
Unknown:and maybe who also haven't learned to communicate their
Unknown:needs, will start to feel depressed, suppressed by their
Unknown:partner or family.
Unknown:Those are the people who tend
Unknown:to cheat and lie and manipulate. Because maybe in the past, they
Unknown:learned that there is no other way to have their needs met. So
Unknown:it seems extremely sorry. It's extremely important. To be
Unknown:honest with yourself and to keep checking in like an inventory
Unknown:check. Where you assess your relationships, you assess your
Unknown:lifestyle, and you make sure that you find out in a brutally
Unknown:honest way, what is working out and what is not working out
Unknown:anymore. If it is your romantic relationships, and you
Unknown:constantly feel that your needs are not being met, there is a
Unknown:change that has to come and it's either you starting to express
Unknown:in a different way that you need your needs met, or you starting
Unknown:to set boundaries or leaving the situation all together. And this
Unknown:isn't just for romantic relationships. This is also for
Unknown:situations at your workplace or for instance, in friendships, or
Unknown:with your family or acquaintances So as people you
Unknown:meet on the street, you need to feel expressed, you need to feel
Unknown:seen and heard. And there is no way around that in order to feel
Unknown:healthy and good as a human being. And unfortunately, a lot
Unknown:of us haven't learned in the past how to express our needs.
Unknown:And today, I want to talk about these weird things that we do to
Unknown:have our needs met. So like I said, earlier, we would start
Unknown:lying, we start lying to people that we actually love and
Unknown:respect. Because if we don't lie, we feel our needs are not
Unknown:getting met. We start cheating, because we don't feel heard and
Unknown:understood and seen by a partner. For weeks and months,
Unknown:and maybe years, we have expressed a desire. And for some
Unknown:reason, they don't take it seriously. Or we haven't found a
Unknown:way to communicate in a way that people want to listen to us.
Unknown:Maybe people are scared to hear our truth. But what I noticed
Unknown:with my clients is more often than not, it is my clients being
Unknown:scared to express their needs out of fear of being rejected or
Unknown:looked at weirdly, you know, a child who goes through puberty
Unknown:and then youngster age, has been told that yeah, you shouldn't be
Unknown:crying, you shouldn't be showing emotions, you shouldn't be so
Unknown:difficult and complicated. You should just conform and go with
Unknown:the flow. If you hear these sentences on a regular, and
Unknown:forgive me if I'm wrong, but I feel society. And the school
Unknown:system tends to communicate these values to us that we're
Unknown:supposed to conform and shut up. Then in adult years, in a
Unknown:romantic relationships, we feel that our emotions, our needs or
Unknown:desires are not valuable enough to be communicated. So we grow
Unknown:up navigating through life, thinking that people just don't
Unknown:care about us. People trample all over us. And we kind of
Unknown:slowly but surely, slide into victim mentality. All along,
Unknown:thinking that this world is a dark place, not a good place,
Unknown:not a safe place. But we don't reflect about ourselves on how
Unknown:we communicate our needs to the world. And maybe we do it in too
Unknown:subtle of ways. Maybe we don't communicate it at all. And to
Unknown:make assumptions that the other person should know what we need
Unknown:is absolutely wrong. In relationships, especially in
Unknown:romantic relationships, we have to, at the beginning, over
Unknown:communicate, we have to be so clear with the other person
Unknown:about who we are and what we need, that they truly know that
Unknown:we value ourselves and that they know who we are, if you do not
Unknown:take yourself serious, and do not communicate to the outside
Unknown:world, how you want to be treated, which boundaries you
Unknown:don't want to have violated and what your needs are. You cannot
Unknown:expect anything from anybody, not even from your parents or
Unknown:your caregivers or your siblings. Because we are all so
Unknown:incredibly unique, unique in a in a very beautiful way, but
Unknown:also unique in a very complex and complicated way. So just
Unknown:imagine yourself being
Unknown:a little computer with a very unique
Unknown:software. And the software needs to be and needs to get updated
Unknown:on a regular basis. You can't run around with your software
Unknown:from when you were 13 years old or three years old. And your
Unknown:software is very unique and has to be expressed and out there
Unknown:for other people to see and understand. And they don't have
Unknown:a manual for that software. Only you haven't, but you don't need
Unknown:doesn't have that manual, if you don't do the work within and
Unknown:finally get to know who you are. That's, that's really the thing
Unknown:that the red line, the threat that I keep repeating, you have
Unknown:to know who you are. And if you happen to cheat and lie, you
Unknown:have to know why you're doing that. If you tend to manage
Unknown:manipulate people guilt trip, people blame people always point
Unknown:the finger at people saying that they trigger you and they are
Unknown:difficult, and they don't love me, you have to start looking
Unknown:into the mirror and really realizing that you are the
Unknown:common denominator. And you have to find out what your needs are,
Unknown:and how you want to communicate them in the future. Because what
Unknown:my strongest and biggest intention is, is for you, and
Unknown:five years, 10 years, 20 years down the road to look back and
Unknown:to be so effing proud of yourself and of the decisions
Unknown:that you made of the action you took of the boundaries, you said
Unknown:of the needs that you communicate it, I don't want you
Unknown:to look back and regret. I do not. And I work with a lot of
Unknown:elderly people right now. The people who regret the most, or
Unknown:the people who ran around in their lives on autopilot, they
Unknown:were not self aware, they didn't learn their lessons. They didn't
Unknown:reflect about their actions. And they just kept making mistakes
Unknown:or mistakes or mistakes. And then they reach old age. And
Unknown:they're super depressed, and don't even want to be here
Unknown:anymore. And the people who age, I have people in their 90s, mid
Unknown:90s, even who who tell me that they stood up for their values,
Unknown:they set boundaries, they apologized for their mistakes.
Unknown:And then again, they apologize for their mistakes. And they
Unknown:learn from their mistakes. Those are the people that are happy
Unknown:and content. When they reach the deathbed, I want to say so and I
Unknown:want this for you to I don't want you to look back and regret
Unknown:that you were living on autopilot. And it's okay to lie,
Unknown:it's okay to cheat. I'm the last person who's going to judge you
Unknown:on that. But it is not okay to be unaware of why you're doing
Unknown:that. And to keep repeating
Unknown:this safe to say self destructive
Unknown:behavior because ultimately, when you manipulate when you
Unknown:cheat, when you lie all this, you are doing yourself an
Unknown:enormous disservice. And you're hurting the people around you.
Unknown:Having these uncomfortable conversations first with
Unknown:yourself and then with other people will be the fundamentals
Unknown:of creating beautiful relationships. And that is what
Unknown:I want for you. I want beautiful, kick ass resilient
Unknown:relationships that you can count on. And the most important
Unknown:relationship is the relationship with yourself. To Know yourself
Unknown:to know your needs, your limits your boundaries, to know why you
Unknown:have an unhealthy default system that you want to address. And
Unknown:then slowly let go off. Alright, I love you so much. I respect
Unknown:you so much for the work you do for the self reflection that you
Unknown:have. And I'll be out there very soon again. Bye bye. Also, if
Unknown:you want to meet me in person Gatestone coaching journey, join
Unknown:a yoga class be the public yoga class or one on one please come
Unknown:visit me at the year to experience. I'm also hosting
Unknown:intimacy retreats and workshops. And yeah, I'm always eager to
Unknown:collaborate and work with people together to create something
Unknown:unique for people who want to experience something cool in the
Unknown:forest in a yard and do something for their soul and
Unknown:their mind. Until next time, bye bye. Don't hesitate to reach out
