Ep. 26 Expressing your needs in a mature way [relationships]

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Hello Hello and welcome to the Borealis experience on

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host of The Life Coach and companion on this beautiful

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journey called life. LPC good. Love to end inspired and safe.

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And if you're not feeling quite well at the moment, I hope I can

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bring you some light, some lightness and love and yeah,

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alleviating feelings of loneliness. Last time I talked

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about the importance of acknowledging your feelings,

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knowing what your feelings mean, how they get triggered, how

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something or someone can evoke feelings within you is so

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incredibly important. Because when you know yourself, when you

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know what you know, upsets you, or lights you up, or turns you

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off, or turns you on, it's just so much easier to make

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decisions. You will pick people and choose friends. People, you

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want to be in contact with people you want to be working

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with more consciously. And in doing that, you will just enjoy

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life so much more. Once you know what you want, who you are, you

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make better decisions that are in alignment with your values,

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you are a happier person. And a happier person is a loving

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person, a compassionate person, a curious and open minded

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person. And the more we are curious and open minded, the

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more we affect the people around us, the community in an a

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powerful, positive way. And that's my mission here. To help

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you unlock your potential to help you heal from past stuff

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that you still might be carrying around and to become more self

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aware. Self awareness is really the key to success. Because once

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you become aware of your blind spots, once you realize the

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mistakes that you've made in the past and learn from them, right

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not to live in regret, but to learn from mistakes, you are

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moving forward in a very empowered and conscious way. And

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that's just so beautiful to witness. And, yeah, that is what

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I'm doing with my podcast here with my coaching with my

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retreats that I'm hosting with my classes that I'm teaching,

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and I'm just so incredibly grateful for all the beautiful

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people I'm attracting into my physical space, called the year

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experience. If you haven't checked it out yet, please check

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it out. You can see and learn everything about it online,

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Aurora, Eggert coaching.com or pay me a visit. And we'll spend

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some time in the forest by the ute by the fire and the year I

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meant. So today I want to talk about your needs and having your

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needs met. If if you don't know what your needs are, if you

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don't know what your values are, it will be very, very hard for

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you to navigate through life. You can navigate through life

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but you will bounce from one experience to another aimlessly

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like traveling and meet people that might serve you but also

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meet people that might harm you. You need to find out what your

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values are. What are the five let's say five values that you

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want to adhere to no matter what. And then making decisions

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based on that picking people you want to spend time with based on

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that. And learning to express your needs because people cannot

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guess them. People need to know what makes you tick, what sets

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you off. And most importantly, you need to know what your needs

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are people who don't know what their needs are and still enter

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relationships Usually past the lovey dovey phase, the big chaos

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and drama sets in, because especially romantic

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relationships, will bring out your shadows, like your blind

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spots, your stuff that you haven't worked on, and your

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partner will turn from a lover, that is exciting to meet into a

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trigger monster, want to call it and set you off on a regular

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basis, and you will do the same with him or her as well. So if

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you don't know what you need, from yourself from the world,

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from your job from your relationships, then life is

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incredibly hard because it's so unpredictable. And very chaotic.

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The better you know your values and your needs, the more clear

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your path is. And the more enjoyable life is. And like I

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said earlier, to learn to express your needs in a way that

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people can understand you and want to listen to you to express

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and set boundaries in a way that people want to listen to, is

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extremely valuable. That's when emotional intelligence also

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comes into play, to regulate your nervous system and your

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emotions. And to express yourself in a way that people

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understand who you are, and what you're made of, and what you

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need and what you don't need in your life. Excuse me, the more

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we live a life that is unconscious, right, where we're

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just drift from one side of the shore to the other. And we're

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kind of flowing with the river, but don't know where the journey

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is taking us. The more it's going to be difficult for you to

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have relationships, and relationships that are nurturing

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and supporting. Because people don't know who you are. They're

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just going to go about their life and love you the way they

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think is good for you to be loved. But that might not be

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what you need and want. So you then wake up in a relationship

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and you realize, oh my god, like what have I done all these

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years? Why am I stuck in this? And where was I was I asleep for

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so many years and now I'm you know in my 70s or 80s.

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So, to know how to express yourself in a way that people

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can adapt to you or work around you or work with you is

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extremely

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crucial. And your needs are sometimes how do I say this

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best. Your very like genuine genuine core needs are formed in

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your childhood. And if you had a very, you know smooth childhood,

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you're very easy going and you know how to feel loved and give

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love and everything is smooth. But if your childhood has been

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somewhat dysfunctional, and difficult, you might still base

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your adult needs on childhood pain and trauma that happened.

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Let me give you an example. A child who feels abandoned

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because the mother has to take care of the sibling more often

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than she used to because the sibling is sick now. The child

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feels abandoned and doesn't really know how to express their

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discomfort and pain is feeling so it starts to throw tantrums

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and starts to become loud it starts to break things at starts

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to behave in a way that is very difficult to understand as an

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outsider but for the child it's just a desperate way to

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communicate to the Mother Hey, I need to I want to spend time

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with you. And can we find ways to make make this happen? Right,

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this is how an adult would express a need for connection.

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But a child doesn't do that a child doesn't know how to

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communicate effectively, quite yet, but still expresses the

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pain in a way that it is very clear that something is off. But

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oftentimes, we don't know what the child really means. And as

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an adult, you have to learn that throwing a tantrum and breaking

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things and screaming around and being aggressive is not going to

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get you anywhere and are accepted to jail, or have people

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file divorce, you have to learn to identify what's rubbing you

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the wrong way. And then express it in a way that people have an

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easy to understand you and you have to trust that people who

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love you want to understand you, and then will, you know,

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accommodate the need or find a solution or compromise. A person

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who has no interest but you being a nice, you know, little

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trophy as a relationship partner. You can identify then

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if you express your needs on it in a very honest and vulnerable

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and genuine manner, then this needs should be met if that

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person loves you. But yeah, knowing your needs, knowing how

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to express them and not expressing them from a place of

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wounded childhood wound, a teenager, wounded person who

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went through heartbreak is extremely crucial. And I'm gonna

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go into more depth in the next couple of episodes here because

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I feel there's a lot of people who showed interest, especially

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in my intimacy classes that I host for individuals and

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couples. How do we create intimacy? Once that spark is

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gone? How do we break down the walls that were built around our

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hearts because we feel our needs are not met. We need to feel

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heard. We need to feel understood. We need to feel

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loved. And we can only do that when we feel that people

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understand what our needs are. Yeah, I think I'm going to leave

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you with this. I'm going to send you out with so much love and I

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promise I will keep talking about this topic that is very

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dear to me and take really good care of yourself. Until next

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time, bye bye