EP. 24 When you are the strong person that is always there to help others ...

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Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

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experience. I'm your host Aurora, life coach and companion

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on this beautiful journey called life. I hope you feel good, I

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hope you feel safe, maybe even motivated, and empowered and

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strong about yourself, and life in general. Maybe you're not

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feeling well, at the moment, maybe you struggle, maybe you

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feel stuck, maybe your relationships are not running

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smoothly. Maybe you don't like your job. Maybe your kids drain

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you. Maybe your family is exhausting. Whatever it is

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you're struggling with, however you feel I hope I can bring you

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lightness and joy and contentment and help you to

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understand yourself better so that you can make decisions in

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the future that are in alignment with your True Self. That's my

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biggest mission here, I want to bring you closer to yourself.

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Sometimes we learn stuff in our childhood and our youth make

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conclusions about outcomes and situations that are not really

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serving us anymore. And we don't question them early enough. We

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just keep walking with those beliefs and conclusions. And see

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our life through that filter through that lens and kind of

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filter buster. I want to liberate you. I want to make you

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feel free. I want to make you feel yourself. I'm also gonna

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host workshops here soon in person workshops, not over zoom.

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I'm currently trying to find locations, and pincher Creek

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area and Lethbridge, Calgary, where I can invite you to join

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me to listen and to interact and to Yeah, just be together grow

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together and connect. I really love doing my podcast here. But

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you gotta imagine, I sit in my little studio here and speak

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with most of the time closed eyes into my microphone. And

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most of you give me feedback, and you donate, which is

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awesome. But sometimes I just would like to shake your hand or

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make eye contact or just have you in the same room as me. So

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I'm working on this, I want to make this come true. I'm very

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dedicated, unstoppable to show up for you, men and women out

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there. So be excited for the future to come. And today, I'm

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especially excited about my topic because it was inspired by

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a dear listener and friend. I'm not going to mention his name

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because I forgot to ask him for permission. But thank you so

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much for shooting me that question yesterday. And I'm so

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happy to not wait any longer because I know your question and

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the answer to it and us discussing and you know, sharing

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our thoughts about it later on online. Once I publish, it is

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going to bring value to a lot of people. So his question was

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along the lines of if I'm a provider, if I'm a leader, if

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I'm a strong rock in people's life, and I feel drained. How do

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I reach out for help? Or how do I recharge my batteries? What

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can I do in order to still be that strong person to recuperate

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from the ongoing giving to situations and other people. And

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this is not a surprise maybe to you but a big topic in my life

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too because I'm a genuine giver. I'm out there and constantly

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producing, creating, bringing together offering and what do I

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do to not burn out but I don't want to make this about me. I

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want to go and introduce you to the concept of

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the triangle of the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer. I

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didn't put There's that idea into the world. Sorry, I forgot

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who was the first to introduce us to this concept. But if you

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are not driving, not operating machinery, close your eyes, if

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it's safe to do, and imagine a triangle, and imagine persecutor

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victim and rescue at the tips, and they always keep each other

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in check. There's always a person to blame. There's always

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a victim. And there's always someone who joins in who is a

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rescuer. And the interesting thing about this is that

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sometimes you are the victim, sometimes you are the rescuer.

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Sometimes you are the persecutor. You're not a saint,

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we all have our faults. And we change within these roles. And

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it is very interesting to observe with your friends, your

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family, how they are stuck in certain roles, there's people

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who are constantly stuck in the rescue of role. So if you grew

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up in a household where your siblings were constantly

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fighting, and you were the oldest and you had to make

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decisions early on in your life, or maybe your parents were

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fighting all the time, and you were trying to appease them, you

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learn fairly quickly that you are in a role of a rescuer. And

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later on in life, you will take on relationships, or be

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attracted to people and situations that bring out the

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rescue are in you. Because we always seek out what we know

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because that feels comfortable. Same goes for the victim. And I

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know some people are surprised there because why would you want

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to be a victim. Again, if you grew up in an environment where

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you were the victim, most of the time you got attacked, you got

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bullied, you were made fun of it is a role that you're used to,

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and that you will seek out in the future. So you will seek out

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people that are slightly abusive or not nice and treat you bad.

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So that you then can feel like a victim. And I know it doesn't

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make any sense as an outsider, but it is really how it is

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there's studies being done that people in abusive relationships

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have it way harder than we think to get out of these

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relationships and situations and not enter a new one that is

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similar, because they are so attached to their identity. And

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this is where I want to hit hook into as a coach is that I find

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out about these different dynamics in your life and if for

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example, you are the rock, if you are the rescuer, or if you

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grew up in a situation where you had to be responsible way more

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responsible than is okay for your age. And you strongly

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identify with that role, you will keep attracting situations

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and people that how do you say that in English, confirm your

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believe your identity and it is only you who can change it

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right? We're not going to change the people and situations around

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you that is absolutely not possible ever. We can change how

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we react so and observe what kind of situation we attract. So

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what I will do in my coaching sessions is for the future we

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will get out into observer and birds perspective and what you

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how you react in certain situations and to who you are

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attracted. And this is so so friggin interesting because you

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will find out so much about yourself and your patterns. And

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as soon as you shine light on it as soon as you become aware of

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it. You can change it before you just feel confused and drained

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and taken advantage of and that's the second point. My

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first point is I want to ask you are you so strongly attached to

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the rescuer? Identity that you cannot do differently?

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But keeping keeping this identity alive by putting

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yourself in situations and where you will keep feeling drained.

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Because there's also a pride thing involved, your ego

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involved that you don't want to ask for help, because people

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come to you to ask for help, right? You are the strong person

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and you have to be the rock, you cannot take care of yourself,

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because there might be a new person calling you soon up, to

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ask for help again, because you so strongly identify with this

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helper syndrome, so to say, and the people around you can sense

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that especially the people who are always in need of something

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they can smell, and see and your energy and see in your physical

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appearance, how you use your body, that you are a person who

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wants to provide who wants to be out there. Really? That's the

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case? And do you want to keep attracting people into your life

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that are not capable of sustaining their own life? What

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do you want to attract people that need you, but don't need to

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get rescued? Right? It is on you how you choose the people who

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come close to you. And if your ego is stronger than your heart

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and keeps attracting people that make your ego feel good because

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you feel needed because this is what you learned when you were

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little. When you were there for other people you felt needed and

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loved. And when you couldn't be there for anybody, then you felt

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neglected and bad about yourself. So we will have to

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look at this. How strongly do you identify with the rescuer

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position. Second thing I want to talk about is boundaries. People

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who strongly identify as a leader, as a supporter, as a

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helper as a coach, nurses, a lot of nurses and doctors have

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incredibly remorse and guilt feelings. When they set

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boundaries, a person who is not used to setting healthy

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boundaries, feels very shitty. At the start, they feel guilty,

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they feel horrible. Because they feel they're letting people

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down. They feel they're giving up their identity, right? Your

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ego is gonna say, wait, wait, we are a helper. What are you doing

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here? Like you can just get fired? Yeah, or lose your job as

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a rescuer. So your whole nervous system is going to enter a new

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realm of experiences once you start setting healthy

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boundaries. And I put an emphasis on healthy boundaries

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because sometimes we overdo it, we sometimes we could really

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help our little neighbor there. And it's not a big deal. But we

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overcompensate because so many other people suck energy from

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us. Right? That's when we burn out because we are not capable

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of saying no to other people and to the people who are sitting

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right in front of us. We say no. And then it's actually yeah, not

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nice and not fair. So it's really difficult. I get it, and

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I struggle with that too. But you really have to find out, be

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it with your coach or a strong friend who is very, you know,

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honest and clear with communication. Where are your

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boundaries? Where do you overextend? And why do you do

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it? And how can we make you feel comfortable and saying no. So

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first thing was how strongly do you identify with the role as a

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rescuer? Second is set boundaries. And really apply

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what you learn with your coach. Right? in counseling, you

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usually learn, oh, wow, you have problems with your boundary

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setting and you're being given tools, and then you take off and

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stop the counseling sessions. With your coach, you're gonna be

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held accountable, and she or he will keep giving you tools on

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how to stay on track how to stay true and how to build strong

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relationships where you actually feel energized and not burned

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out.

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Third thing I want to address is, I mentioned that before,

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please be 100% aware of who you let close to your heart, who you

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let close into your intimacy space, and who you spend time

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with. Do you keep attracting people that are obviously in a

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situation where they need help. Do you feel sexually attracted

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to people who need help who need you because, again, what you

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have learned in early years is that when you feel needed,

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you're worthy, when you don't feel needed when the person is

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independent, what is your job, what is your purpose in another

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person's life when you are not need it as a rescuer. So be

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very, very aware of who you are close. And my next point will be

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your worse. You are struggling with intense worthiness

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problems. If you think that you are only worthy once you serve

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other people, and don't get me wrong here, serving other people

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is an deep, deep part of our DNA, we are herd animals, we

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need each other. And there's studies coming out right now

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where giving love supporting others as an individual is

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actually boosting your immune system more than receiving love.

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Isn't that so incredibly interesting. Because all we

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think not all of us, but some of us is like, oh, I need to get I

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need to take I need to receive and only then I feel loved. But

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the studies are coming out right now that people who are giving

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themselves to others and supporting others feel healthier

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in their mind in their body. All this to say is you need to know

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why you are engaging and supporting other people. And if

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you have it, anchored like it in this way. And the suggestion is

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the why if you have the reason why you want to feel needed, is

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because otherwise you don't feel seen and valued. We have to go

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and change this. Right? I'm not going to take away from you that

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you love to be a leader. But for you to understand that your

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motivation, your intention to help another person. If it is

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anchored in your self worth, you're also not going to help

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them to an extent that is good for them because as soon as they

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feel good, you will feel weird and drained. And as if you don't

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have a job, quote in their life anymore. So he will start

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manipulate yourself out of the situation because you don't want

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to be with a strong person because if they don't need you,

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you don't feel loved. So, this is the next point we're going to

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explore. Is your worth attached to the need of helping others.

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Alright, once we weed through all this I will also go and ask

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you directly how good are you at receiving? Love support? How

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much can you surrender to your pain and admit that you're

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actually struggling? Because I know there's a lot of helper

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rescuers leaders out there who sometimes don't want to admit

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that they need help. Once you got to the point that you

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realize okay, you really need help. How open are you to you to

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receive Excuse me?

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Because sometimes we are so strongly identified again with

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the leader position with the helper that everything that is

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being offered to us we kind of laugh at we boil down I don't

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that, oh yeah, I know this. Right? Again, you're stuck in

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your ego, if you cannot receive love, receive support. And

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that's something where the coach would also go deeper and with

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you to help you be more receptive and open to receive

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from others. So it's a very important thing to address

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because it's good to blame others to not being able to help

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you not capable, or to simply not finding anybody out there

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who can help. But maybe those people are just around you, but

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you're not open to receive support from them, because you

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want to be seen as the strong one among your friends. But my

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dear listener, if you are in this position, right now, you're

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also missing out on a big, big point here, because it is. And I

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know that term vulnerability is being overused. But by being

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vulnerable, that we're going to make that strong connection,

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especially with the people that we keep supporting the people

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that are sometimes even dependent from us, right, our

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children, if we can just admit to them, Hey, I'm struggling

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right now, can you help me, maybe not so much with your

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children, because it's not so much their job to, you know,

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rescue you and support you. But maybe you don't need to be

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rescued. Maybe you just need to have somebody listen to you. But

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what I'm trying to say here is that you need to be open to this

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and surrender to your situation. And open up. And next, we're

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gonna go and find out what are you doing right now? As a self

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care pro with self care programs, so to say, what what

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kind of rituals Do you have? Do you meditate? How do you

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meditate? Right? I have people in my life who meditate, but

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they do it in such an abusive way, that it totally misses the

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point of meditation, because the ego tells them all today, I

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meditated for two and a half hours. And yeah. Do you feel

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better at the end of the day? Or do you feel like you had to

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check off that meditation point on your to do list? Same with

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exercising? So I'm going to go through your list of the things

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that you do already? And see, are these things really

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benefiting you making you feel better at the end of the day? Do

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they make you a better person? Do they make you feel awesome

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physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally? Or can

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we tweak them a little bit? Right? I'm not going to take

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away your habits. But I'm going to explore with you, are they

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good for you? And can we replace them with other practices. And

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then we're gonna schedule in your self care practices into a

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calendar, if you are somebody who, you know, schedules their

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days and is very organized, it is very easy to do. If you are a

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mom or a dad, a person who is not really okay with Excel

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sheets, then we're going to find a way there too. And we'll go

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with the feel good. And we'll find out why a self care so hard

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for you to keep consistent with do you feel that it is useless?

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Do you feel you're taking away time from other things do you

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feel is it is selfish? And we will go through that belief that

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you have that

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makes you have resistance to self care and kind of reprogram

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your brain because self care is so incredibly important. And I

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know I think it was in the 80s and 90s that people were

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bragging about oh my god only got two hours of sleep. I worked

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until midnight and then I worked on my hobbies till six in the

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morning. No, this is so crazy abusive. And again, there's

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studies coming out right now, where at least six to eight

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hours is necessary for a human being to function probably

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healthily, I mean, over an extended time for them to not

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suffer Her heart attacks or whatever it is in their 60s and

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napping is even being subscribed by doctors. So it is really

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interesting to look into self care and what you do right now

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and to see if it is really yeah, good for you or if it is missing

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the point. All right, my dear friends, thank you so much for

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requesting this episode. I'm very excited for every request

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you send in. I hope I was able to help you out to bring you

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value and to Yeah, help you make sense of yourself and how you

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approach life. Of course this is all very superficial and once we

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are in a coaching session, it's it goes to the meat to your

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core. And we start changing from there for the better. And yeah,

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I'm excited to connect with you if we haven't already. Add me on

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Facebook, Aurora Eggert, or on Instagram Aurora Eggert

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coaching, and if you want to spare a second 15 seconds,

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please leave me a review on Apple podcast. It helps me so

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much to get the word out there and to help people around the

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globe which is my my biggest dream. All right. I want you to

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be healthy. I want you to be strong. I want you to be your

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best self because those people are the most magnetic and

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successful people out there. All right, take really good care of

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yourself. And I will be out there very soon again.