Ep.19 The silent treatment.When silence is being used to punish you. [abusive relationships]

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Hello, and welcome to the Borealis experience. I'm

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your host Aurora, and I'm very happy to be spending some time

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with you today. How you doing? Well, it's a beautiful, sunny,

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spring day today.

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Nevertheless, my grandmother felt the need to treat me with

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the silent treatment.

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For that, for some of you, it might be novelty, and might be

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something that you've never experienced in your life before,

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and you don't even know that it exists. And others know exactly

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what I mean. And others grew up with that, and give people the

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silent treatment at times, without even knowing.

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So I didn't look up any definitions now.

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To see how I would word it, silent treatment for me. And my

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experience is when you upset someone, intentionally or

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unintentionally, and that person doesn't react, respond in the

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moment, but only after, after you left the room after you left

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the house.

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After you said goodbye, that person ponders on the

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conversation that was had the fight that was had,

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and builds up so much anger, so much resentment, that they

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poison themselves. And the next time you see them, they will not

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make eye contact. It's probably very different for different

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people. But in my case, my family doesn't make any eye

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contact. They go about the day, maybe a little more aggressively

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than usual. And in my case, my family, it is the female

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relatives that I have that indulge a little more and

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cleaning and cooking.

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And

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whatever you say, they will answer with one word or two

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words, but keep it very short.

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And so to say, ignore you.

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And it's a very painful experience to go through.

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Especially if you don't know what you have done.

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Most of the time you ask that person what has happened, and

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they say, everything's fine. It's all good. It's just having

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a day. But you know exactly that. They're not just having a

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day that it's all directed towards you. And sometimes you

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ask them, Hey, like, Did I say something wrong? Are you upset,

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and they just explode in your face and tell you everything

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that you've ever done and how useless needless or whatever

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you are. So to give you an example.

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And it might be very silly for you. But I love to have a wild

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garden. And grandma hates the love trees that are growing in

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front of my house here. So yesterday she was with her at

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eight years.

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like trying to walk through ice and snow to get me to see the

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tree that she wants to cut in front of my house. Remember,

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it's not in front of her house, it's not blocking her view, is

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doing nothing in her life. But she just hates how I have a wild

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garden and she doesn't appreciate that. So she came to

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a point where she nearly fell. And this is where I completely

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lost it. And yeah, I'm not a saint either. I told her this

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was stupid. And I'm not going to cut that tree down.

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And she's gonna break a leg here or something she has to go back

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inside. And I don't want to talk about this with her. So for the

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whole day, and the whole morning this morning. She wouldn't look

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into my eyes. She wouldn't talk to me. And I know she can go

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like this in that mode, self poisoning mode and trying to

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punish me for days and days and days.

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And I just went about my business I uploaded

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An episode and did my usual Facebook

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stuff. But then I said, Ah, fuck, I just have to go and talk

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to her and hear her out and be patient. But not given like, I'm

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still not going to cut that tree down. It's an Aspen tree is a

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beautiful tree that grows next to a pine tree, or a spruce

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tree, I don't know. But I learned that those trees have a

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beautiful symbiosis.

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I know you pronounce that differently in English, but I

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don't know how to pronounce it right? Those trees give each

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other nutrients. The one tree has shallow roots. The other

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tree growing right next to him, has deep roots. So that tree

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sucks up the nutrients and the water from deep down and

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nurtures himself and the neighboring tree. So I love to

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see those. Both trees growing next to each other. And

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grandma's just like this leafy tree growing next to a needle

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tree. And I just hate that view. It looks very an orderly.

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And yeah, chaotic. And maybe you guys know me listening to my

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podcast here, but maybe you don't don't I love chaos. I love

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how Mother Nature has unpredictability and wildness.

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And

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yeah, beautiful little stories, like I just told you between

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those two little trees. And I see absolutely no use in doing

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that job. So then she makes me feel as if I'm the laziest brat

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there is on earth. And I just resist because it has nothing to

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do with how productive I am. If I resist to do that little job.

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So there's a whole thing of generational generational

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dispute going on and values and beliefs. And she wants strict

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order. And I love natural chaos. And so she treats me with the

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silent treatment. And really, if you have gone through that you

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are being

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made feel,

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I don't know, if you say that way, like the worst person on

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earth. And you really have to grow out, you have to grow up

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and out of that system to realize that the whole problem

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lies with the other person not being able to express their

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anger and resentment in the moment.

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It's not that they

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are intentionally doing that. But I think that just wired and

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they have not the ability to break out and to open up and

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gently express themselves. They either have to explode on your

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face, or they have to make you feel shitty about yourself. And

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it's a very, very uncomfortable situation to be with.

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I've only met women being able to do that. So if you are a

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woman out there who experienced that, from the other side, your

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man was doing that to you. Please reach out to me and share

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with me. But so far, I've only seen observed lab behavior, and

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my female relatives, and among females, it's a very painful

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experience to go through. Because I feel most of us want

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to hear was what was upsetting the other person. But I feel

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they believe that their opinion maybe is not worth enough or

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that they will not be listened to. And this is why they react

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like that. And yeah, I mean, I'm not saying as I said, I can get

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really loud. And if I find something stupid and useless. I

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voice it right away and this might be intimidating the other

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person and then they shut down and choose to punish me the

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silent way.

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It's not the solution though. So that's why I said to myself, I

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have to reach out to her I have to like build a bridge again

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because there's no point in sitting in that

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That misery for all too long she is suffering. I can ignore it,

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but I choose not to so awesome.

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Again, if you if experienced the silent treatment, reach out to

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me on Facebook or Instagram, you can find me under Aurora Eggert

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or the Borealis experience on Instagram. I would love to chat

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about it in a little more depth. And if you realize now holy

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shithead This is me. I'm giving people the silent treatment and

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how can I get out of it. also reach out to me and we can have

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a chat about it. Because I feel it's a very important thing to

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talk about. It's something that we might not be aware about. And

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it's so destructive and crippling, to your partner and

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to the relationship you're living in.

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Thank you so much for listening to this episode today. I feel

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it's an important topic to talk about.

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No matter on which end you're standing if you are the sender,

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the creator of the silent treatment. Please be aware that

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you have to learn to express your emotions. And to not be

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scared of reactions, you just stand your ground. And if you

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are the receiver of the silent treatment, know that you don't

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have to put up with it. You can confront that person in a very

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gentle and loving way and ask them to speak up. But if they

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don't choose to, if they choose to keep treating you like that,

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not talking to you, avoiding you, then please take your

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things and leave that situation until that person decides to

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open up. Don't expose yourself for an extended time to that

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poisonous behavior.

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Thank you for listening to the Borealis experience and sending

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my love out there to you and I will be out there for you