Ep.5 Why is making changes so difficult?

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Hello, and welcome to the Borealis experience, I'm

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very happy to be spending some time with you today. The

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COVID-19 confinement is not too hard on you, I know, the

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struggle is real. A lot of people are suffering from

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loneliness, anxiety. Uncertainty is really tearing people apart,

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because they don't know how long this is going to take. And yeah,

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it's very, very tough times that we can use to be more resilient

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in the future. And just work on ourselves and reflect and see

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what we can do differently. Once everything is more easy, let's

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just say easy, because it's not going to go back to how it was,

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there's going to be a new normal, and that's totally okay.

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And you can use this time now to be functioning well, in the new

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normal, we all don't know how it's gonna look like. But the

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stronger the connection you have with yourself, the better you

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know, who you are, what you need, the stress you can take.

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And the stress you can take the things you want to allow in your

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life or the things you want to discard, like not have a new

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life anymore, you can make those decisions with this podcast

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here. I want to help people to be at peace with their past, and

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maybe even teach a radical acceptance. Because if you want

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to go out there and be a functioning member of society,

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you need to know what you have to forgive yourself what you

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finally have to let go in order to focus on the present and the

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future. I talked about undivided, unconditional

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attention presence the other day. And that is in my mind, the

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number one tool you need to to connect with people, but also to

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connect with yourself. So in the meditation sia that I post, you

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can put your phone aside and just listen to my voice guiding

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you through that meditation, and helping you to spend some

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quality time with yourself. And today I want to talk about why I

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believe it is so so hard to change habits that don't serve

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us anymore. It is habits or behaviors that annoy us that

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don't lead us anywhere that I want to address today. So let's

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start with habits. And I think habits and behaviors just go

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very, very closely. But hand in hand, let's say habits are

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things that you could see, from an outsider's perspective. It is

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things that you do, be it smoking, be it consuming drugs,

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be it like little tics, OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder,

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people that want to control all the time, or more behaviors. But

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let's start with the habits. Let's go into smoking and maybe

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binge eating, emotional eating. The thing you have to know

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there, if it's about you, or if it's about another person. It is

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a very deep rooted need that makes us do those things. And

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that's why when we decide to not do those things anymore, just

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from a mental level. It is very, very hard to do. Of course you

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can muscle through and you can force yourself to give up that

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habit. But a more sustainable way to approach this would be

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to go back in time and really find out what the need is that

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those habits are fulfilling. So when it comes to food, I gave

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you an example a couple episodes ago, your relationship to food

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is highly influenced by your family and the way you grew up.

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And the relationship you have now is also influenced by how

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you view your body. A lot of people who binge eat feel shame

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and don't like their body at all. And that shame that

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sadness, that depressive heavy feeling, makes them eat food,

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because it gives them a sense of happiness and joy. Temporarily,

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of course, it's a cycle because they feel good while they eat.

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And then afterwards, you feel shame and guilt, and it starts

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all over again. When it comes to emotional eating, it's pretty

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similar to you experience an emotion that you don't want to

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experience, be it loneliness, or anxiety. And in the past, as a

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child, your parents or your caregivers sooth you with food,

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then nowadays, of course, too, you will help yourself out with

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food, and it will give you a good feeling temporarily. And if

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you know that it is that deep loneliness that makes you engage

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in those happiness, then you can try and fill that void or fill

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that, like exchange that habit, if he would take it away from

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someone, there's a void, and some people rather keep that

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habit that behavior in their life instead of being in that

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void. So what I like to say there is that you have to find

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something to substitute the behavior that you want to

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change. And for a lot of people, it is sports, and then they

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exaggerate with sports and get addictive that way. I always

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like to guide people into the creative direction, like start a

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new hobby, create something that gives other people joy and

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support them. Because a sense of belonging and supporting others

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can be so much stronger than your feeling of loneliness then.

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And if you learn to I don't want to say escape loneliness,

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because feeling lonely at times is okay too. But if you know

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that, you can create something while you are alone in order to

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serve others. It can be a way bigger, can have a way heavier

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impact on your well being then engaging in binge eating or

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going back to your cigarette. I'm sure you understand where

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I'm trying to go with us monologue here. Another thing is

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behavior. So if we have people in angry states or depressed

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states, we can also go back in time and find out what made that

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person so angry. What what makes that person so depressed

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nowadays. And I know it's very simple to say and there's not

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only one cause there's so many causes that lead to depression

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and anger, difficulties with angry feelings. But it is a

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start to go back and to see what happened for me to feel that

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way. And how can I help myself out there

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again? And how can I learn to express myself in different ways

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in ways that people want to listen to me? People want to

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help me and when it comes to depression, it is so critical to

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not isolate and to talk to someone professionally and to be

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really honest with how you feel and when it comes to anger

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management and you're not happy with how you react in certain

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situations you can also go back and see that anger is kind of

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second level emotion and underneath there's always

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something else going on it can be guilt it can be shame it can

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be sadness but you learn to react angry because it gives you

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some sense of power you feel people are listening to you you

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feel you're not a whiny little bitch but you are angry powerful

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person but anger only goes so far and pushes people away and

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raw honesty being honest with your people that are around you

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and vulnerable can bring you so much more in life so in this

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episode i just started talking about change and why it is so

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hard to change i think i want to make it very clear that it is

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extreme hard work to change habits and behavior and to

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wanting to grow out from a box that makes you feel bad about

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yourself or doesn't fit you anymore a lifestyle that is not

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good for you anymore know that your previous lifestyle served

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you up until now and now you want to create space and kind of

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paint a frame on the wall and picture where you want to go so

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if you are struggling with binge eating then see you said see

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yourself not being binge eating anymore and being at a very

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peaceful stayed with yourself when you're alone and creating

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something for other people or just being good with who you are

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and when it comes to habits like smoking picture yourself not

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smoking picture your nails beautiful and shiny your teeth

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nice and wide your lungs beautiful and fresh so really

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have that picture in front of you of where you want to go

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after letting go of your old habits and the same goes for

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behavior be it anger or having a tendency to isolate and avoid

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people when you don't feel good picture yourself how you would

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interact in the future how you wouldn't be able to express

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yourself clearly and people would understand you and he

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would have deeper and more meaningful relationships because

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you are facing your shit and you want to get rid of old stuff

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that is not good for you anymore so it is very important to see

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what led you to have that habit that behavior go deep look at it

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and then let go of it and at the same time picture yourself with

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new habits the new you the new person you want to be and then

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we can be all more successful in changing and growing and growing

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is such a hard work and very challenging at times but i'm

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sure if you followed me for a little bit now it is so worth it

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because it brings you back to yourself and it opens up a

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totally new world thank you for listening to the borealis

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experience i love it so much to have someone of you on my

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instagram now i just started it a couple of days ago and it just

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fills me with joy that people enjoy my content and really

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yeah

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are there and spend time with me and don't want to fall into

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depression and don't want to fall into like get sucked into

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those tough times that COVID is offering us right now so from

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the bottom of my heart thank you so much for listening and for

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being curious about my work here take good care of yourself and

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we'll talk very soon again by your host aurora